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Articles wherein cereal and liquor are mixed:
Happy St Spasigs Day! - What could be more Irish than lucky charms? Lucky charms with Irish Cream, of course! (3/12/07)
Whiskey VS Corn pops - Whiskey, Cornpops, Apple Jacks, Apple Schnapps. By the pricking of my thumb something thrown up this way comes (10/1/08)
Six String Samurai review - Spinnach monsters, kids in car trunks, and one man slaying the post apocalyptic
Russian army to become king of Lost Vegas = GENIUS!(6/17/05)
Blackwood Farm review - My slanderous review of Anne Rice's horrible novel, not
to be confused with her other horrible novel, "Blood Canticle" Or her series of horrible novels, "The Beauty Trilogy"
Star Wars RotS - Was the conclusion of the saga worth seeing? Tune in for the definitive answer on
the subject. My opinion is all that matters. Admit my superiority or perish! Bow down before me! (5/25/05)
Howard's: Australian for Fear - Sime Sublime describes a completely useless campaign to make Australians
more afraid of union workers, or something. (8/5/05)
J. M. Does the news part 1 - J M comments on protests, terrorists, and the first ever rampage not inspired
by a video game or Marilyn Manson(8/22/05)
J. M. Does the news part 3 - J M comments on fatty lawsuits, the true cause of deaths in Iraq (gays, of course)
and more! (8.28/05)
A New Vacuum - J M talks about a scam infomercial for an appliance he's likely never used(9/6/05)
Return of the Rock - J M, Dorothy and The Rock unite in the final battle against the Lazer Storm(9/18/05)
J. M. Does the news part 4 - J M comments on al qaeda's promotions system as well as vital news about Jelly
Pufflemur and his own personal plans for the coming month.
Immortal Review - Final Fantasy Spirits Within + Fifth Element + Aeon Flux + Crap = This (12/12/05)
Coronado Review - Could Jennifer Anniston overthrow the government? Apparently yes, but I hope
not. (12/18/05)
World Combat Dating - J. M. recruits some folks to help him battle another dumb site he's found.(7/7/06)
Elastic Steel - In the sequel to WCD, J. M. takes on an Eastern European who can kick his
own face. (7/13/06)
King Solomon's Mines - A rendition of Hagards masterwork that features Russians and nonsense. Yay! (8/10/06)
J M VS Nair - JM Puts depiliatory cream on his cock. A good time is had by all until the horrid
burning ensues. (10/31/08)
Dragon Heart 2: A Bit Unhinging - JM buys the well recieved Sean Connery flick only to discover its coupled with a movie that lacks any sign of Sean Connery!
Mexisteak Surprise - By J M Hoffman(5/18/05)
The Most Dangerous Substance on Earth - Some insanity I crapped out when I was half exhausted from work and half insane from
work and half listening to the voices from my shoulder. Oh shoulder I love you ever so much.
I can do better - The first act of my first full length play. It's Oscar Wilde meets Jerry Seinfeld.
Homosexuality, insane fetishes, stalking, and somehow an incredible amount of light hearted humour are just some of the facets
of this play about the quirkiness of human romance.
Hunter's Paradox Chapter 1 - My first novel. The story of a young vampire hunter coming to terms with the world
and searching for himself.
Glamis The Great - A satire on the fantasy and gaming genres.
It contains hillarious fantasy novel situations looked at through the window of logical thought as well as numerous video
game and movie references.(6/10/05)
Women in Web Humor - A tribute to the oft unappreciated women who make the web go round.
(9/8/05)
Worlds Beyond Belief - The tale of a brave group of idiots
who brave alternate dimensions, also of idiots.
Protest: NOW TESTIFY! - The final installment of my report, where, sadly nothing is tipped over or set on
fire. (10/16/05)
Fuckin' Ebay - J. M. battles demonic dvd merchants in this forum exclusive(10/17/05)
Blake Inventions pt2 - More than half of the reasons why Blake is considered a prophet by some people who
scream on street corners for a living. (1/10/06)
Operation Eagle Strike
The Begining - J.M. Writes of the ideas that led to OES and several false starts (2/6/06)
An Adventure - J.M. Continues to prepare and is swept off into adventure by Chris The Wizard
(2/9/06)
The Aftermath - And so it ends, and what is left is cheeze wiz and madness. (2/21/06)
Stupid Online Petitions - A petition to get people to pay attention to that petition about the Cosby Show...
(6/2/06)
Tiger Woods eats own shoulder - Tiger Woods chooses a strange way to celbrate his victory in some golf tournament.
Chefelf 5 News: Identity Theft - Maybe you've heard about this identity theft thing. I don't see what's wrong with
it, I enjoy my new identity as Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters. (6/23/06)
Chefelf 5 News: Oil Prices Rise - Slade reappears from the aether to write about some odd phenomena. Apparently gas
suddenly costs a lot if you hadnt heard. (7/24/06)
Interviews:
Interview With The Barend -
J. M. Hoffman attempts to fathom a creature with 5000 posts...(6/5/05)
Jesus is lord dot com part 2 - The epic struggle to avoid laughter when Christians say stuff like "Halleleujah praise
jEEEsus" continues. And, inevitably, is lost by J M Hoffman.(5/28/05)
Debauchery, part 1 - J. M.'s comprehensive guide to everything on the internet that is wrong,
offensive, or gross, this installment examines terrorist chat rooms..(7/27/05)
Debauchery, part 3 - This part focuses on Christians who get sexually aroused by hating gays. (8/3/05)
The "Answer" - The first article by Saint Floppydisk, leader of the Jelly Pufflemur Christian
Baiting Lazer Squad. (8/9/05)
A tour of heaven - Saint Floppydisk confronts the crazy arsed Christians of heaventour.org(8/28/05)
Fuck Fred Phelps - J M takes on possibly the most crazy arsed Christian ever in the first of a series
of articles(9/3/05)
Christian Gallery - Saint Otal Nimrodi meets a fellow who wants everyone to learn the definition of the
word faggot.(9/12/05)
Fun with Pat Robertson - J. M. learns how he can leg press 2000 pounds with pancakes and discovers that the true meaning of gods love
is calling people Nazis all the time.(3/14/07)
J M Hofmarn biography - Slade Displays his knowledge of J M Hoffman but there's more display than knowledge.(6/3/05)
Sime Sublime - J M Hofmarn practices the American art of writing about stuff one is ignorant of.(5/30/05)
Slade - Sime Sublime strikes back in style with his scathing biography filled with revelation's
about Slade's previously unknown father, a bicycle.(6/6/05)
Chris - A biography of a fellow who occasionally appears at my house to drag me off
in the middle of the night. I think he's a wizard (By J M Hoffman, 8/26/05)
Blake's Biography - The life of our spiritual leader is detailed here, come and be enlightened. (1/19/06)
Advice
Exams - Sime gives all of you some much needed help for taking exams at school, but no help
for medical exams. Not that I need any. Don't look at me like that. It's just a small rash. That's all.(5/30/05)
Roofing Compound part 3 - J. M. Helps you climb your stupid ass around on your roof. If you can't think of
anymore adjectives.(6/8/05)
Internet Fashion Revue - J. M. pretty much talks about other sites updates because he cant make one of his
own. So very, very sad. (3/31/06)
Fun Facts About Canada - J M has been to Canada once. He is now the world's foremost expert on Canada. All bow to his widom.... Wisdon... Fuck.
(3/10/07)
Fun
Publishing quiz - J M Hoffman produces an accurate online simulation of what its like to try to get
published.(6/9/05)
Special events:
Less Is More part 1 - The first rebuttle I made to the evil that is Less Is More( JP VS LIM 6/27/05)
Articles of Alliance - J M is offered an alliance with Chyld and his friend, a shopping cart full of twat
(JP VS LIM 12/28/06)
Frogs Review - A reviw of a horror film about some frogs and some idiots (Scary week, 10/23/05)
King of Zombies Review - Saint Floppydisk reviews a film about some homsexuality, and some unimpressive zombies.(Scary
week 10/25/05)
Objective Ministries - Saint Mirithorn and some crazy Christians help us all understand why Halloween
is such an occult orgy (Scary week 10/27/05)
Lost Voyage Review - Saint Otal Nimrodi reviews a film that is not Event Horizon, no matter how it tries
(Scary week, 10/29/05)
Classic Horror Novels - J M finished off scary week with synopsi of some Victorian era novels, and some arse
buggering. (10/31/05)
God Loves Soldiers - J M kicks off Christ[ianbaiting]mas with an article about a site that
could just as well be called God loves helicopter deer hunters.(Christ[ianbaiting]mas 12/22/05)
Citizens United for a Decent
Internet - J M, on a lone suicide mission against the web's craziest Christians, makes fun of
a guy who thinks terrorists stole his grapefruit.(Christ[ianbaiting]mas 12/25/05)
Faith? - J. M. Continues his all J. M. Christian baiting specail with an article that actually
hardly insults anyone. (Christ[ianbaiting]mas 12/28/05)
Repent America - J. M. Finishes off Christ[ianbaiting]mas with an attack on some more Christian biggots
(Christ[ianbaiting]mas 1/1/06)
Mazes and Monsters - J. M. takes on the original anti-gaming movie, with special guest- baby Tom Hanks!
(Winter-een-mas 1/25/06)
Nintendogs - Blake reviews a game about some dogs and some repetion and some dogs and some
repetition in his debut article(Winter-een-mas 1/26/06)
Zoo Tycoon - Saint Floppydisk shows why the apes hated Charlton Heston so much. (Winter-een-mas
1/28/06)
Street Fighter 2 - Chyld takes time out of his battle with J. M. to provide this review. It's "Turbo"
(Winter-een-mas 1/29/06)
Lego Star Wars - Otal Nimrodi actually liked a game, but only because he didnt have time to hate something
(Winter-een-mas 1/30/06)
Mortal Kombat animated review - Dorothy reviews a MK animated series with as much zeal as any boy could muster for
a fighting game, perhaps more! (Winter-een-mas 1/31/06)
Hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami:
A how to, by Emu - Emu's exhaustive treatise on hitting bears in the crotches with salami is
the first work submitted to the themed writing event, and so far, is the bench mark for quality.(HABITCWAS 1/30/07)
Ninja Duck's Story - Ninja Duck, our old buddy, comes through with the second story, this one more
fictional.(2/13/07)
Stephen Colbert VS The Bear - Jane Sherwood sinks her teeth into HABITCWAS. From what the doctors say, there won't
be too much permanent scarring.(2/20/07)
Tragedy at Jellystone - Gobbler, our resident kraut, writes a surprisingly dark HABITCWAS that has it
all, love, death, crotches and salami! (2/21/07)
The End of Durf Persimmon - Icey the Icelander leaves us hanging in suspense as we continue our international assault on bears balls (2/22/07)
The Beginings of the Kingdom - Saint Otal Nimrodi of the JPCBLS gives us a fascinating history featuring Chefelf, a salami, and a bear's crotch.(2/27/07)
Durf VS Iraqi Interrogation Guy - What happens when J M and Slade take both their salamis into a bears crotch? No, not sexual innuendo: Great fiction! (3/5/07)
The L&E days of J M Hoffman:
1 The reign of the Iloo - From way back in mid 2003. My first article with L&E about internet enabled toilets
2 Asking for a raise - My second article, about 2 months later, had me debating how to ask Lucas for a raise.
At that time I barely knew him and had only worked at the inn for a month or two!
4 The Candidate - The sequel to my asking for a raise article. I actually made a little movie to accompany
it but it never got shown.
5 How to become a Redcloud - A guide I made to joining the ranks of the L&E elite. Unfortunately its not a
very good guide.
9 The Return of Sauron - A piece me and Blake(pen name: Bugs Jedith) wrote during the height of our love
for LOTR.
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