So, what does he have to say to justify this? Let's listen.

 

"If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses — because that goes straight to the bottom line — then I hope I can help the country in some way"

 

I think what he means by getting prepared for a disaster is that he wants to stand by the side of a road leading to Louisiana and Florida with a sign that says "YOU ARE FUCKED, ASS FACE". But that's not going to help the country much, since bums make more amusing signs and require much lower consulting fees.

 

He went on to incontinently yammer out this little nugget:

 

"officials need to take inventory of what’s going on in a disaster to be able to answer questions to avoid appearing unaware of how serious a situation is."

 

What the fuck does that even mean? Take inventory? "Well, my house floated away, but when taking inventory I discovered that my septic tank remained where it is, and I found some gum in my pocket, my inventory sheet indicates that it's double mint. I may be drowning in waters made up mostly of human waste, but I can still double my fun. Thanks Michael Brown!"

 

 

Whatever beaurocratic jargon all of that was I'm pretty sure it's the reason this guy got axed in the first place. Not satisfied, he continued to make a fool of himself:

 

"Hurricane Katrina showed how bad disasters can be, and there’s an incredible need for individuals and businesses to understand how important preparedness is”

 

Hey, I don't know to be honest, but I think if you live in California you're pretty much resigned to the fact that your house is going to collapse on you and become your own personal tomb. And if you live in Florida you have to understand that after summer and fall Florida has a good chance of not being there anymore. So you're already as prepared as you're going to get.

 

And suggesting preparedness on the home level is just insane. I'm a good American here, I have my home already wrapped in plasti wrap and duct taped to be air tight. That's why I have this funny light headed feeling in my head. But the point is that while I write this from behind my anti-terrorist gas mask I'm still going to be just as fucked as anyone, BECAUSE IT'S AN EFFING DISASTER, GENIUS!

 

Just because Michael Brown instructs your kids to avoid eating anything that looks like a chocolate bar that they find in the buoyant sewer that used to be your backyard dosn't mean that you're going to be any less likely to drown than the guy who didn't pay an insane amount of money to be told that he was screwed.

 

And after a disaster hits money dries out a lot quicker than stupid advice from a guy who got fired by the Bush administration. Shit, I've been kicked out of no less than two learning institutions, a few monuments in DC, 1 sidewalk, a few stores, Donald Rumsfeld's lawn, two jobs, and various yahoo chat rooms, but at least I've never been booted out of a place where even Dick Cheney is an accepted member. When I mentioned this upon meeting him, Brown shot back with the following:

 

“I’m doing a lot of good work with some great clients, my wife, children and my grandchild still love me. My parents are still proud of me.”

 

Brown then added "So there, stupid face!" With a slogan like "Michael D. Brown LLC: Because my parents are still proud of me." It's a wonder that he has any clients, much less great ones. Experts on the retarded speculate that his first act with his clients is to advise them on which kind of adult diapers to wear to prepare for the impending disaster... of poopie.

 

Following Brown's example, others have decided to try to get paid to do things they are not good at. Members of the rock world have joined forces to form the powerhouse drug rehab consultancy of Courtney Love and Def Leopard Limited. This in turn inspired Summer Curtis, below, who was  fired from a day care in Carolina for barricading a toddler in a bathroom.