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Jesus Is Lord pt1

 

Aymen, muh brothas! It's now that time in the J M Hoffman hour of power when I bait Christians by openly making fun of their whacky websites. Note that I'm not against Jesus, or most Christians, just the crazy arsed ones, and the ones that think they're better than everyone, and that god's cock is bigger than Budha's, and all that other stuff.
 
So then, who is my opponent today? It's definately the greatest threat I've ever faced from a Christian website. Not only do these guys damn everyone who isn't a Christian, but they damn everyone who dosn't belong to their sect of Christianity. Not only that, but even if you're in their crazy cult you're still fucked if you don't read the right version and date of the bible.
 
According to these crazy fucks, our kind and loving God will DAMN YOU TO HELL unless you read the King James bible of sixteen eleven. Not convinced? Well let's hear some nonsens... ermm I mean testimony from the very website.
 
"REPENT ye, and BELIEVE the gospel"
 
yesh yesh, typical evangelical nonsense. "God's cock is bigger than yours, God will fucking kick your ass."
 
"Your SINS are KILLING you!"
 
Naw that's just syphillis.
 
"THIS WEBSITE IS BEING SYSTEMATICALLY BANNED!"
 
Something tells me there's a reason for that other than Satan.
 
 
Whereas Christians kill by incessantly ranting about how a woman should not be allowed a choice in what happens to her own body. Oh, and bombing abortion clinics. But from the coherent and rational arguments put forth on this site I can tell that its writers would never have anything to do with that. From a web master's prospective this is just horrible. They toss this statement up with no preamble and it links you to some other crazy site with lots of pictures of dead babies.
 
""
 
A picture of a snake. This is the first graphic you see on their web page aside from a poorly drawn version of the king james bible of 1611, which, by the way, looks EXACTLY LIKE EVERY OTHER FUGGIN BIBLE!
 
"There are hundreds of links on this website divided into major sections. For some, this can be overwhelming. You may wish to concentrate on one section at a time."
 
For once a crazy Christian website gives good advice. I think I'm going to do this article in installments.
 
"We need to get back to the Olde Booke (KJV 1611) and the olde way of holiness--hating evil and loving the Lord."
 
Ya know, I read about your old ways. They're even worse than your new ways. Somehow I think that if Jesus actually did pop up and start turning water into wine these guys would call him a drunken wizard and burn him at the stake.
 
"Why is it so rare that we see a Christian manifesting forth the attributes of God?"
 
Well, I created the universe once, but I'm not a Christian. Your problem is that you guys don't get up off your butts and start creating life and saying stuff like "let there be light" If any of you guys decide to "manifest forth" a garden of Eden let me know, that fruit sounds deeeeelicious!
""
 
Yeaah... You know if you're going to make propaganda images you could at least make them look threatening. The pope (John Paul the second I believe was reigning at the time this piece of crap was last updated) looks rather warm and amiable. The guy in a suit could be construed as sinister or just happy.
 
Maybe he's a senator who just made it with an intern. Satan looks rather pleasantly surprised. Rather than portraying him as tormenter or accuser (which is actually what his title means, his biblical name being Lucifer Morningstar) you chose to portray him as "buddy Satan" Really I don't see the benefit in that. The only part of this image that is really proper is that there are stink lines. So I suppose the message is that if you read the "wrong" bible you will smell bad.
 
 
And just what are the Sudanese Christians doing?
 
"Everything right comes from knowing the Word of God and walking in the power of the Holy Ghost. To be Bible-minded is to be Christ-minded. "
 
No, no it dosnt. People did things that were right long before the idea of one god or Jesus ever popped up.
 

"The Antichrist Slideshow

Starring: The Popes of Rome

and

The Great Whore of Revelation Chapter 17
The Roman Catholic Religion "

So if I understand this correctly, you're saying that the catholic church is a whore? Well I guess I'm in. What will I see?

"

  • Blasphemy
  • Torture
  • Licentiousness
  • Cruelty
  • Damnation
  • Whoredom
  • The power of the Devil
  • The foolishness of men who are his dupes
  • The heroicism of Christian brothers and sisters who resisted to the BLOOD striving against sin. Hallelujah!"

    Oh no! Not Licentiousness! And if Whoredom is a sin it's got to be the sin with the best name ever. Or maybe it's a kingdom. Also heroicism is not a word.

    "Satan is preparing folks for the worship of himself and his man of sin. When new agers say, "The Christ" they are not talking about Jesus, they're talking about Lucifer aka Maitreya."

    And you're basing this upon what exactly? Andby the way, in my years of reading Christian mythology (I use that word just to piss you off) I've never heard Lucifer to be named Maitreya. He is Samyaza in the book of Enoch, called Lucifer in heaven, Satan after his fall, Beelzebub, and various other names, but never Maitreya. You just made that up, didn't you?

    "Roman Catholic "Celibate" Priesthood is Full of Whoremongers! "

    "Crazy Christian "Enlightened" Website is Full of Nutjobs."

    "What can go on in the unbiblical confessional with the Romish Priest? by former priest"

    I would imagine a confession is what tends to occur, but clearly my logical thought has no place here.

    "the Roman Catholic woman, who, not less deceived by her priests, suffers a torture far more cruel and ignominious in the confessional-box, to appease the wrath of her wafer-god."

    The torture, according to this guy, is that she has to tell a priest behind a screen that she screwed a donkey or whatever. Really the idea of confession seems pretty cool, especialyl since they cant go and tell anyone about it afterwards. I think its onlt being talked up as a bad thing for women. Men have confession constantly but we just call it "bragging" Also, wafer-god. hehe.

    "Auricular Confession and Popish Nunneries Yet another former priest blows cover off lascivious, beastly priests of the Whore."

    I didn't bother reading this crap, but I do like the word Popish Nunneries.

    "The death rate of priests from AIDS is at least FOUR TIMES that of the general population Bishop says, "...Much as we would regret it, it shows that human nature is human nature." No, it shows that the Great Whore is the MOTHER of harlots and abominations! Forbidding to marry is evil--I Timothy 4:3."

    This quote speaks for itself.

    And here's some more lunacy from a link I was unlucky enough to click.

    "A picture of the Catholic Jesus. (when papists eat the bread and drink the wine they think they are eating Jesus' flesh/guts/toenails/eyeballs/etc. and drinking His blood! they "receive" their Jesus by EATING him!)"

    Wow, way to blow a ritual out of proportion...

    "Popes say non-Catholics are not saved--damned to the lake of fire! (no wonder papists are scared to consider the truth that they are in a cult! brainwashed into thinking they'll go to the lake of fire for considering and believing truth.)"

    Oh, of course. Noone else does anything like that, right? I mean it's not like you say the exact same thing the Catholics do in the next quote.

    "The worst danger of ecumenism (all religions getting together in unity) is telling heretics that their religion is okay. They will not try to find out the truth and the lake of fire will be their eternal home. Christians, fight ecumenism tooth and nail."

    Naw, you're not intolerant.

    "CATHOLICS MAKE PILGRIMAGES TO ABOMINABLE IMAGES (visit a couple of Mary apparition links here--most of 'em are hoaxes, the others Satanic. It's crazy and unbiblical.)"

    Those darned crazy apparitions, what with their ability to perform myracles and inspire people.

    "PERVERT ALERT!!!! "

    I sure am glad they decided to be graceful in addressing the Catholic sexual abuse scandal.

    ""ROMAN" Catholicism is the MOTHER of harlots and abominations (She's not a daughter, the Bible says she's a MOTHER--the one CONCEIVING, GESTATING, BIRTHING, DELIVERING, AND REARING HARLOTS, WHORES, SODOMITES AND OTHER ABOMINATIONS)"

    Yes, yes, everything births sodomites, good for you.

    "Carry some tracts and a homemade sign (white posterboard with black letters)
    about how Jesus saves."

    And what would a good crazy Christian site be without instructions on how to torment innocent people outside abortion clinics. Personally my reccomendation is for them to use white posterboard with white letters. Haleleujah!

    Stay tuned for part 2 in which I delve deeper into the mysteries of the appostate satanic website, which DAMNS anyone who accesses it to HELLLLL!*

    and it eats babies, too!

    *Note: I am exempt, because God's cock is bigger than yours.

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