Exams - By Sime Sublime

Exams. Bane of students. We’ve all sat them at some point of time, or will in the future. So, with that in mind, I would like to impart some of my study tips to help in this most dark of days.

1. Sleep during lectures. It will allow the course content to enter into your subconscious, allowing you to forget what a spoon is. To facilitate this action, come to class in your pyjamas. This especially holds true if you sleep naked.

2. Study week is a holiday. Use this time for recreation, to allow your mind to relax and be more open so that you can harness it's latent psychic abilities to steal the answers from the teachers mind.

3. Scaling is your friend. Chances are, after the exam your grades are going to go through a form of scaling and moderating which will inevitably fit your class’s marks to a bell curve. As such, you don’t need to get a high score in the test to get a high mark-you just need everybody else to fail. Often this is much easier and more reliable. Spend your time trying to bring others down, rather then trying to excel yourself. It’s a lot easier to burn copies of Monkey Island games and hand them out to your classmates in advance of the exam, then actually studying yourself. Plus, this plan doesn’t rely on you actually knowing much about the course.

4. Catch the bus in. Don’t drive to school/uni/other the day of the exam. The bus gives a perfect opportunity to cram for the exam, so you don’t have to do any work the night before.

5. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell a joke. Humour lightens the mood, and makes the marker more likely to be lenient on later questions.

6. Sleep before the exam is good. If the cat wakes you up at 3am the day of an exam wanting food, kick it the hell out.

7. Sleep with the marker. Crude, but traditional. Also has the option of later blackmail, especially if you’re not yet 16, or you’re at a catholic school taught by priests/brothers.

8. If all else fails, make sure you left somebody out of your Monkey Island goodness. As they would have actually studied, they should have some knowledge of the unit, but will be quite depressed about not getting to play Monkey Island. At the end of the exam, slip them a copy in return for their paper. Alternately, just club them and switch the papers before somebody notices.

There you go, follow these tips and any dunce can become a nuclear physicist. This was the Green Knight, SimeSublime. Until next time, remember: 56% is 6% too much work!