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Ahh, what is there to say about Zoo Tycoon? Well, you run a zoo in the name of profit and power, charge too much for
undercooked food, and generally have a good time as your animals play, eat, frolick and make little animals.
I think
the last time I played this game was over a year ago. That was before I realized that the only thing this game had to offer
was choosing which type of ground your tiger likes to shit on best. I never paid a dime for the game though, my sister bought
it.
So, in the name of all that's good on the internet, in the name of Seanbaby, Maddox and Miguel, in the name of
comedy itself, I will once again thrust myself wholly into the game in order to try to derive some kind of humor out of its
reeking, stinking intestines.
As I immerse myself, I'm faced with a choice. What kinds of animals should I make? The
answer, the only answer, is obious. MONKEYS! I will set out to create the ultimate monkey park, complete with everyone's monkey
needs. There'll be monkey soup, monkey hats, monkey stuff(Editor's note: I would pay to go to a park where they sell
bags of monkey stuff), monkey food and of course, monkeys! How could anyone not like the park?
 Above: Okay, so the monkeys didn't like it.
I resolved to fix my problem right away. I needed to start in a new direction, and I quickly decided that this direction
would be making those monkeys produce babies. What's more fun than a baby monkey? I wasn't really sure that the cage could
take any more overcrowding, but I resolved to add at least as many girl monkeys to the mix as I could
But I was in
for a surprise. The monkeys weren't happy with the girls. Maybe it was something I did. Did I manage to purchase second-class
monkey skanks, or was it something deeper? Could these possibly be.... GAY MONKEYS? We've heard of gay penguins in the screening
room before, and I even saw a TV special on gay monkeys (no joke, I seriously did). I decided to let time tell me if I had
gay monkeys, because there would soon be smaller monkeys roaming around if the monkeys were straight.
Though the monkeys
weren't satisfied with getting women, they were very pleased with the few shelters I gave them to help them get their monkey
buiseness on. Overall though, the monkeys still were not pleased. I kept getting messages (seen at the top of the screenshot)
that the Chimps weren't enjoying themselves and would like to go back to Africa, if you please. There's also the slight problem
of the national govt. not letting me adopt any more animals because the chimps are having a shitty time, but I'm going to
gloss over that one.
By this time the cage was getting rather crowded, but there must have been something I was missing
to help them accomplish their goal of making babies. Viagra? Weed? Monkey porn? It was too bad that I couldn't buy any of
those things, but if I ever make a mod for a game, it would be including Monkey Porn in Zoo Tycoon.
Instead, I supposed
that I could actually make the cage less shitty and more to their liking, but I ruled against that, seeing as I'm an asshole.
After
a while and no little Curious Georges, I decided action would have to be taken if I ever wanted to see a baby monkey. I put
at least seven shelters in their cage, and about 10 jungle gym sets. It was getting seriously crammed, and I mean fire-hazard
crammed. If a guest went skitzo and threw a molotov cocktail in there, there'd be enough fried monkey to feed all of Iceland.
Above: Believe it or not, I have nearly fifty monkeys crammed ass to crotch in there. A few are (hopefully) doing
something in the shelters other than sleeping, so they're not all on screen.
So, the monkeys still weren't making sweet monkey love. Drastic measures had to be taken. I decided to.... enlarge their
shelter. I consulted my local Zookeeper for some reccomendations, and here's what he had to say.
What? The monkeys don't like the vending machine? I payed $150 bucks for it!
Finally, after nearly an hour and $100,000, I decided to leave it be. If the monkeys don't want to boogie, then they shalt
not! I promptly demolished the cage and sold them all as dog food.
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