The long awaited penis election has not been without its share of controversy. In fact, there are serious problems in the electoral system. The main problem
being that after everyone votes the choice is turned over to an electoral committee consisting of me, and then I declare myself
the winner.
However, being as the same parties that control the chefelf 5 network also control the voting (me and me again) we're not
going to be focusing on any of those serious problems or the legitimate concerns of those who mention erectile democracy disfunction.
Instead we're going to provide brief and well edited interviews with opposition candidates while making them look like idiots.
Slade, the main opposition candidate in the free and democratic election taking place, has complained of voter intimidation,
and of my habit of enslaving him and forcing him to edit vast documents of what is mostly just gibberish with a few big words
thrown in, which I then tell him is the writing of William Faulkner.
But of course these are all lies and overreactions, just like all those crazies who claim crazy theories about global warming.
Now, honestly, I think we can trust our elected government oil tycoon to tell us the truth about oil related problems. And
hey, just because the world is warming, dosn't mean that the world is warming.
In the same way, just because the ruling Hoffman coalition MAY have killed a few of Slade's supporters, dosn't mean we're
trying to intimidate them. The balloting process is completely free, as is ensured by the Hoffman coalition soldiers standing
nearby with high powered rifles. But you don't have to take our word for it, let's ask a fellow who not only voted for me,
but also checked his ballot in his own blood:
Voter: "We give our lives for J. M.'s penis drawing skills! Hurrah! Hurrah! Now please to release my family from the snake
pit."
But of course some aren't terribly convinced. Slade, for instance, attempted to call in UN wang watchers, who were put
off when the ruling government simply told the world not to interfere. In an about face the UN was poised to arrest Slade
for wasting its time, but after they discovered he was an American they pretty much had to let him do whatever he wanted.
Slade wasn't contented at just escaping, and he made a very well spoken speech about his concerns. Please note that we've
edited his words slightly:
Above: A file photo of Slade
Slade: "I am a dirty commie. J. M. draws better penises than me."
So there you have it, the opposition are evil and will destroy our way of life. The only chance is to stay with the status
quo and keep the one party dictatorship and your television, going. In future elections you may even be able to choose between
two dictators, such as a J M who wears a red tie, and a J M who wears a blue tie. In the same way you can also choose what
channel to watch this completely unbiased coverage on.
In not quite as fake news, it appears that Slade's girlfriend has the best penis of all, with Barend and Spoon Poetic trailing
her. J. M.'s sister, Walking Carpet, and Icey all managed to get a vote each and noone else has placed so far. In order to
gain some understanding of what his girlfriend having a better penis than him will mean to Slade we spoke to a veteran talk
show audience member pictured here
to ask about the ramifications of this. As she bobbed her head sassily she put forth this advice to Slade:
"Boooeeey! Yo girlfriend got a better penis than you, foo! You got to learn to be the bee-atch now or girlfriend kick you
to the curb."
Her words were followed by thunderous applause from the audience. But not to worry, they were all lowered indo a vat of
hydrochloric acid soon after for being suspected Sladists. But mostly for being talkshow audience members.
Special note from the Hoffman coalition: Slade is a commie just like the beatles!!!!!!!!!
