This biography was written and filled with malicious lies by Slade. If you want the real thing click here.

I've known JM Hofmarn my entire adult life. Seeing as how I've only been an adult since November, it's not that long, but I really feel that we have something special. Not in any faggy sort of way though, because that would be queer. It's more in a drink beer and watch football together sort of way Or a make fun of stupid politicians and plot government overthrow sort of way, depending on our moods. Anyway, I've known him my whole life, so who better than me to properly tell his story?

He was born a frail and humble child in the mean streets of london, and when he was just a wee lass fell in with the child laborers. He always starved in between working 24 hour shifts at the coal mine and then 52 hour shifts at the sweat shops, so one day he said to his forman when he wasn't given enough gruel that was made from the bones of dead children, "Please sir, I want some more."

Of course, the mean old bastard threw him out, where his story was stolen by charles Dickens and embellished heavily. Artful Dodger? The man couldn't bluff his way out of a paper bag, let alone run from his own shadow. But I digress. On the mean streets, JM learned about the cruelties of captialism at its best and food at its worst, and resolved to become the world's first communist revolutionary chef.

In betwixt years of strife and turmoil, he had various affairs with Puffins and Lemurs, which contriubte to his current opinion on the Puffin/Lemur issue. He trained with a master sensai in becoming a vampire ninja and learning the art of medieval broad sword, both of which he now uses as parlor tricks to impress people to get them to publish his writings when traditional methods have failed and violence wouldn't work either.

It took years of practice, memorizing The Communist Manifesto and General Tso's War of Cooking, but eventually, in between raising hell and fighting off the undead with toothpicks, he became the genius of humor we all know and love today. Or hate, if you're the sort who's a complete wanker.

Name: Johnny Mulder Hoffma(r)n

Occupation: Batwrestler and dungaree buster

Age: Twainty won and six thirds or so

Religion: Roman Alcholicism

Politics: Kommunist, Komrade.

Sex: Not a chance, ladies. Or dudes, for that matter.

Gender: Androginous

Hobbies: Smithing, mealgrinding, underwater basket weaving, drinking, slaying demons, throwing fireballs, swordfighting, saving the world from the evils of the oppressors.

Favorte band: 80s Hair Metal band Limozeen.

Favorite quote: "Don't call me a dumb blonde! That's a sterio system!" - Christina Applegate on Married with Children

Favorite dish: Tuna noodle casserole, with a touch of white bris sauce

Likes: Pain and suffering, living bunnies, pina coladas, getting caught in the rain.

Dislikes: Monetary systems with unfair income gaps, Israel, getting eaten by Grues, rolling 1s on his will saves, Cthulhu horking his beers and jetting from a party.

Pets: The earth, air, various people who have dropped by his house during satanic rituals who've had to have their minds broken so as not to talk.