I know it must sound terribly old of me, but WHAT IS WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY? I grew up with school shootings, drugs, depression, Nirvana, video games, and sex, but I'm glad that my generation can't be credited with inventing the choking game. That name's not colorful metaphor. And it's not a game. There is only one player: a middle school aged kid. And there is only one goal: To choke oneself nearly to the point of death.

Above: Darth Vader and Captain Antilles encounter takes on a whole new look in this context.

Not exactly a sport, is it? Though it would be an interesting (if pointless) addition to the summer olympics. Now normally I'm not one to hop on the bandwagon to save our children from, well, anything. I smoke pot, drink, I used to steal and swear like a sailor, but I'll be damned if I'm going to wrap a noose around my neck for fun. If you want to try soft drugs I say be excellent and live the dream, or something, but there are drugs and then there's stupidity.

You don't really have to respect Kurt Cobain, or Lucie Grealy, or Janis Joplin, but they at least went out in fairly impressive and glamorous spectacles of self destruction. No rock star is ever going to be found dead of an accidental overdose of rope around the neck, and neither should you. If you're going to take up something that could lead to death at least make it something that's cool. And let me tell you, choking yourself by accident in a closet is not cool, kids.

Kurt, I don't care how much Heroin you did, Come As You Are still kicks ass. But if I ever find out you wrapped a noose around your neck trying to get high my Nirvana shirt goes out the fucking window.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not some adult getting down on people. I'm 22. My plans for the following week include setting off some irrationally modified fireworks while drunk. I've done stupider stuff too. One night during a camp out when I was a kid a friend of mine wanted to find out what smoking was like. He made a cigar out of some leaves he found on the forest floor. We spent the better part of an hour coughing. And then there was the time we were so hungry we ate some molded hamburger buns and started hallucinating... DON'T get any ideas, I'm watching you!

Above: The only thing I remember after eating that mold was either watching or hallucinating the badger badger mushroom video for hours before we started talking about chocolate pudding.

But this crosses the line. The reason you have a neck is to get oxygen to your brain, which is a very important part of your body. An argument could be made for smoking marijuana, drinking, or whatever being natural, but there's no reason within nature or logic to choke yourself. And bringing yourself to unconsiousness is stupid stupid stupid. It dosnt matter what drug you do, blacking out is ALWAYS a bad sign, because it means that your body is going through too much shock. Even huffing aerosol (which by the way is another dumb thing to do) dosnt make you black out. Your brain likes oxygen, and when it dosn't get any it starts to die. That's why you black out. And when your brain dies you're probably not far behind.

In the past blame has always been placed on video games or music for stuff kids do, but there's really noone to blame for this but kids themselves. I'm not saying we should get down on anyone, but let's face it, there is no sane reason that a parent or teacher should have to tell their child not to choke themselves. Parents should spend their time trying to find out what their kids are interested in, or teaching them right from wrong, not following them making sure they're not using Fido's leash as a noose.

So, to the young people of the world, I say that the responsibility lies solely with you, with us. If you see someone playing black out, tell them it's not a good idea, and that there's a reason it leaves bruises on their neck and hurts. Tell them they could probably get high in more traditional ways like sugar or a lot of cola, or just a hug, or weed. There are groups that spread the word such as http://www.stop-the-choking-game.com and parents are always interested in what you're doing, though telling them about something this stupid might meet with a few weird looks.

Besides, the choking game is SO five minutes ago. The new thing all the cool kids are doing is taking off their clothes and going out in the snow til they nearly freeze to death to capture that feeling of hypothermia. Sound unpleasant and dangerous? Yeah, but it's the same thing as this stuff if you think about it, and neither are a very good idea, though if anyone tries to get you or someone you know to play the choking game you should just go right back to them and tell them to play the freezing to death game I described. Just make sure they don't actually do it.

One final note, if for some insane reason you actually feel the need to nearly kill yourself just to get high, make sure there's someone around you trust. If the thought of having a friend see you passed out and drooling with a cord around your throat makes you feel embarassed than think what you'd feel like if your parents found you like that and you were dead. The only way to win the choking game is not to play at all.

I'm J. M. Hoffman, and this has been a Chefelf 5 exclusive. Remember, Chefelf 5 puts children first as long as they're of legal age to view perverted crap like this.