You have to love a horror film that's willing to combine two deadly sins just on the cover of its box alone. The first
sign that this is a quality film comes when you see that, contrary to the box cover above, the frogs are not giant, and are
in fact just regular sized frogs. The second one is when the description actually makes use of the word "shindig". Anyhow,
yeah, that should give you a feel for what this movie is going to be like. Shindig.
The film opens with a baby Sam Elliot in a canoe. I'm not indicating that this was an actual baby, just that it was Sam
Elliot in his pupae stage, before he became an interesting actor and made his appearances in good stuff like Tombstone or
The Big Lebowski. I have no idea what heathen gods Sam Elliot sacrificed to to allow his career to continue after starring
in a film like this, but they have to be pretty damned powerful. Maybe he sacrificed the rest of the cast and crew, since
none of them were ever heard from again in the motion picture business.
Anyhow, Sam Elliot isn't here to tell us about The Dude. No, he's here in 1972, in all his grainy splendor, to tell us
one thing: If you pollute, and are either mentally or physically handicapped, frogs will kill you. He starts out this thesis
by studying pollution at great length. If you ever threw a paper cup in a swamp you contributed to the opening sequence of
this movie. Sam Elliot literally paddles aimlessly around a swamp for ten minutes taking pictures of trash while the credits
roll. Theres some stock footage from National Geographic interspersed, but it dosn't at all create suspense.
Anyhow, asshole rich kid is drunk and his speed boat capsizes Sam's canoe. This both establishes him as an asshole rich
kid and gives us a good idea who's going to get it first. Sam is plucked out of the water by asshole's sister, Blonde Haired
Breasts. They take him to their stupid island where complaining about frogs ensues and introduce him to their wheelchairbound
grumpy father and their idiot family. By no means should you think that I am being insulting. I am stating the truth. I'll
tell you why later.
So anyhow, plot starts to move at this point. Some jackass was out spraying poison at the cripple assholes behest. The
poison sprayer hasn't come back, and it's not very likely that he decided to take his bounteous fortune in poison to Mexico
to live the high life. It is unknown why he chooses Sam to do the job of finding the amazing poisonous retard.
So Sam goes out and finds the guy dead, what a surprise. Sam figures there might be something wrong and they try to phone
for help, or a coroner, or pizza. But gasp! The phones have been cut. By the frogs, presumably. Asshole rich kid goes out
to investigate and initiate telephone repair with a rifle. WITH A RIFLE. He fails to find out how the phones were cut off,
since everyone knows theres no explanation for it. However he decides it shouldnt be a total loss and goes to shoot at something.
He shoots himself. In the leg. With a rifle. I don't know how or why, but he does. In the fucking leg. Then he falls over.
Then he gets covered in spiders and spanish moss and screams a lot. Apparently the tarantulas, a species from the Western
desert, have air dropped in on the slight chance that this kid might shoot himself in the leg, perhaps in an ill fated attempt
to avoid the draft.
It should be noted at this point that I watched this film with my friend, Chris The Wizard. Part of his great knowledge of worldly lore is a knowledge of animals that are sold as pets. He has
a hermit crab for a familiar. Back to the point though, Chris informed me that the animals that were, I'm not going to say
killing, but assisting these people in suicide, were from no less than three different continents. According to the video
box, many of the animals they imported for this united nations of reptiles escaped and assraped the ecosystem of this island.
It is at this point that we remind you, not for the last time, that the film has an environmentalist message.
Well anyhow, in the mean time, the shindig has started. And oh what a shindig it is. Capn Handicap has invited his whole
fucked up family. There's his token black butler and maid who are afraid of snakes, which requires him to promptly shoot one
hanging from the ceiling. Theres his fucking disco son who needs to die. He walks around like he's in a beegees video and
the neckline of his shirt seems to be inching ever down towards his navel to reveal more of his hairy chest. Dude, if you're
being attacked by reptiles the last thing you want to do is show off your mammal-hood.
His girlfriend is great too. She's black. But not a token black chick like the butler. Oh, she may be scared of critters,
and she may be sassy, but she has something that sets her apart: She's PROUD of her African heritage. Her proud African heritage
however seems to consist of coming from a village where people wore table cloths and curtains for clothes. I know what a daishiki
looks like, and this was not it. It was a toga made from a very busily patterned table cloth.
Then theres his scheming kids, I think they might be husband and wife. They both hate him and are waiting for him to die.
It is clear that they will live a happy life and not get eaten by creatures at all. There are also various other jerks I dont
even remember the names or relations of.
Then there's cripple pope's sister and brother in law, or brother and sister in law, I don't really care. She's a butterfly
catcher with some kind of disorder that I cant even catalogue. At the very least she's ADHD. The fact that she likes to catch
butterflies means she has to die. I don't know what her husband did though, but he does look awfully bald.
And then there's the kids. In disco kid clothes. One of them is wearing red satin pants at one point and the other seems
to have moments when its a girl and moments when its a boy. The frogs opt not to kill these kids, which just goes to show
you they may be murderous, but at least they don't have anything against future homosexuals.
Back to the plot. There are people dying everywhere now. Cripple jerks sister wanders off aimlessly, apparently after butterflies.
Then she gets chased in a circle by a snake.Upon completing the circle of horror she's bitten by the same snake she ran from
and dies.
Her brother or husband or whatever wanders off into some water where he totally fucking kicks an alligators ass. However
after he beats it he mercifully lets it live. This proves to be a bad choice since it then kills him. He didnt particularly
let it live really, but he was winning the fight for a while until the thing inexplicably killed him.
Then some other dumb chick, for reasons not known to me, wanders into about a foot of water. The water is apparently that
new quick drying water and she gets stuck. A turtle comes. I scream, but not in horror. It was more a scream of surprise at
the audacity of these film makers. The woman, unlike many of these guys, dosnt even do it the favor of falling down. No, she
is killed by a (note the use of the singular) turtle while standing up with her arms and one leg free while the turtle apparently
does something that makes her die.
Then theres one of the asshole sons. He randomly gets into some water for some reason and is in no way attacked by a snake.
Theres a picture of him, then it cuts to some national geo footage of a snake swimming, then back to him looking scared, then
back to the snake, then you see some blood on his hand and he dies. Personally by the looks of it and the ammount of blood
on his arm, I think what happened was this:
Idiot: Oh shit! They're trying to use footage with a completely different grain and resolution of a snake in open water
to imply that I was killed by a snake in a swamp? Only Sam Elliot could survive shame such as I feel now. I must cut my wrist
on this boat and die!
Then theres another guy who tries to get the lamest death award. He goes into a greenhouse crawling with skinks. A skink
is from South America. There are also some slightly larger and slower lizards. You're wondering at this point how much help
the lizards are going to have killing this guy? A lot. There's poison everywhere. Huge glass jugs marked poison. These guys
have to be the biggest fans of poison in the world. And they leave it in plain reach where any kid could get to it, and where
skinks can get to it as we. But even this isn't enough help to allow a skink to kill someone.
The poisons are knocked off very slowly, one at a time. Idiot does not at all find this odd. However after about the thirtieth
bottle mysteriously falls, it causes a chemical reaction that makes a gas that is poisonous to humans but apparently does
not effect skinks or other reptiles, much like in that James Bond movie, Moonraker. This didn't sound like a Bond movie though,
more like a bad episode of Captain Planet.
I found Captain Planet being whipped and molested by Captain America, in the same way that regular planet is dominated
and abused by regular America. Between his cries of agony I managed to get these words:
Captain Planet: Oh shit don't remind me of that. I was busy with guys like that chick who was kind of
hot, and the porky dude. So I sent some fucking amphibians and little pet lizards. I thought, hey, maybe it'll be kind of
byblical. I never dreamed how stupid these people were. I didn't think it would turn into a massacre! Luckily we covered the
whole thing up pretty well and blamed it on Loot N. Plunder. Haha that sucker-- Oh shit Cap, use some lubricant will you theres
no way that mighty shield... Hyurgh!
So, there's the word from Captain Planet. While the lethal version of the planeteers wreak havoc, Sam Elliot is leading
the surviving family members to get off the island. It should be noted that without Sam Elliot they probably would have all
covered themselves in gasoline and glued flint and tinders to the frogs.
So, the black folks decide to flee, but are apparently eaten by birds. Wow, that's not derivative of anything. They don't
even show the actual attack, just some scattered table cloths and some birds flying overhead. It appears that the last of
the curtain cutting tribe of Mogadishu is dead. A moment of silence please. The message of this part of the film is that no
matter how ethnic you are and no matter how little you have to do with pollution, animals still want to kill you. Clearly
this is a good way to encourage conservation.
Well, the mourning dosnt last long, because Sam Elliot decides to save the kids and the chick who by now should be his
love interest but dosn't seem to be. Maybe being around all the disco clothes and red velvet pants has effected him. Anyhow,
old cripple guy dosnt want them to leave and would rather that everyone got slaughtered. How he became the patriarch of an
even remotely successful family I don't know. He stays behind with a gun and a dog in a fairly well protected house with his
bottle of whiskey, which everyone has been drinking from frequently. The whiskey may be the only explanation for what happens
next.
But the frogs are smart. They're also strong. They break out the windows and come in. So now there are frogs inside. And
he's in a wheel chair. And there's frogs. And he's in a wheelchair. And theres some frogs. And he's in a wheel chair. Oops
he falls over and dies. That's it.
WHAT THE FUCK? The frogs somehow murder him by just being frogs and croaking and hopping. Movie, this is possibly worse
than the turtle biting the chick to death. I've been around frogs before, and even if I was an old man in a wheel chair I
don't think they would be very lethal.
So, they've slain a crippled and drunk guy. This might be considered unfair, but remember, they are frogs. They probably
had as much of a chance of dying as he did. Well anyhow, Sam Elliot leads the surviving three people to safety after having
a temper tantrum where he shoots an alligator, hops out of the boat, and starts beating everything in the water to death with
a paddle. He's the hero because he loves the aminals.It is at this point that we remind you that this is an environmental
movie. The movie mercifully ends when a group of four crazies from a swamp, soaking wet and toting guns, is picked up by a
single mom. Her son has a frog. The frog ends the movie. It is to be assumed that they decided to let the frog play in the
exhaust pipe after rolling up all the windows.Sam Elliot survived because his moustache came from the future and acted as
a rebreather. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out the before and after section below:
Before the seventies ended Sam Elliot was on some heavy drugs. His moustache did not exist and he played in shit like this.
That's him in the middle, but you can probably tell because he's the only one that wasn't cast for his chest.
After the seventies ended Sam Elliot apparently cleaned up his life and got out of the habit of getting drugged up and
then signing contracts to do movies based on who offered him the most strippers. Here he is above in The Big Lebowski, which
involved actual actors as well as hot women, and contained no frogs. It is theorized that if you mention Frogs to him he'll
draw a six shooter and kill you several times before you hit the ground.
