George Bush has often been compared to Adolf Hitler, and I can see the similarities - they both invaded very hostile and
well armed countries in the wrong season for one thing. And of course you can draw a very clear correlation between Bush and
the villains of the Star Wars Prequels, as seen in this image:
But why hasn't anyone ever compared the dumb lord of Texas to The Dark Lord of Mordor? Well, I think I can explain that
with a few points.
Guards:
Sauron's realm was guarded by fucking evil that does not sleep. You CAN'T get past evil if it dosn't sleep, no matter how
inept it is. You sleep, evil dosn't, that's just not a winning combination. No way is that fucking ring getting through.
Bush's realm is guarded by idiots with guns in airports and a few signs that say "no hurricanes or flooding allowed"
Enemies:
Sauron picked a fight with some midgets and some pointy eared hippies and a kind of scruffy looking guy.
Bush picked a fight with people who drive planes into buildings before they eat their breakfast falafel.* Then he picked
a fight with a country where guns outnumber people, and then he got in a fight with John Kerry, who fought in wars Bush never
even knew existed, and he's also managed to make an enemy of Howard Dean, who's righteous rage is second only to Zach De La
Rocha. If Howard Dean said the word I'd be ready to start tipping over shit and starting fires in an instant, that dude is
harsh.
*this article brought to you by Abu Akbar Brand Breakfast Falafel: now with 20% more fiber, for the terrorist who dosnt
have time to stop waging jyhad for constipation
Intimidation:
Sauron is a big fucking burning eye atop a tower of pointy spikes. You don't want to fuck with Sauron.
Bush is a big fucking moron who cannot safely make a speech or ride a bike.
Minions:
Sauron has trolls, oliphants, fell beasts, spiders, limitless supplies of orcs, a balrog of morgoth, saruman, the uruk
hai, the ring wraiths, and Wayne The Goblin.
Bush has some poor kids who didn't have money for college and got suckered into fighting his war by a military recruitment
predator.
Hardware:
Sauron's people had knives. Pointy knives. Knives that burn with the fire of a thousand evils! (COOOOOL!)
Bush's people have inadequate body armor and defective combat vehicles, which are probably worse than the oliphants since
Legolas could climb onto them more easily and fire a rocket propelled grenade arrow.
Follow through:
Sauron promised his minions manflesh. To a certain degree I think it's pretty clear that this promise was fulfilled, and
would have been fulfilled in the event of victory.
Bush promised his minions WMDs. Either due to the actions of the fellowship of the nuke, or because he was just a liar
with no idea what he was talking about, the WMDs never appeared.
Geneva convention compliance:
When Sauron's orcs captured Frodo (the orcs that took Merry and Pippin were under Saruman, and they were enemy combatants
anyhow.) they locked him in a room after searching him for weapons. This is compliant with the geneva conventions.
When Bush's troops capture Iraqis, Afghanis, Americans, etc, they like to strip them naked and make them form human pyramids
while having their goolies electrocuted so that their screams sound out the tune of "what a wonderful world" Bush may be reading
a different copy of the geneva conventions than I am, and his copy may be called "Don Rumsfeld's complete guide to caring
for your new pet terrorist" but I still think that's illegal and fucked up.
Sidekicks:
Sauron had Saruman, a man who's hobbies include powerful magic and army raising who was just coming along in hopes of increasing
his own power.
Bush has Blair, a man who's hobbies include performing oral sex for the president and came along in hopes of.... aww...
fuck I don't know, I'm going to make a snap judgement and blame making policy decisions after too much Gordon's London Dry
Gin.* It's good to the last drop.**
* I am a fucking sell out.
** Please dont believe this. Gin is one of the most dreadful liquers ever devised. It's like Vodka with nasty.
So, in conclusion, there is very little comparison that can be made logicly between Bush and Sauron, except that they're
both evil beings who betrayed Lord Illuvatar and joined with the dark god Morgoth. Don't argue with me on this one, I'm the
only human being on earth who's read through the Silmarillion and all those god damn notes in Lost and Unfinished Tales. It's
somewhere in the millionth marginal note by Christopher Tolkien right after the one where he writes "In this passage my father
was trying to convey his desire to cut off frodos skin, to wear his skin, and to become him."
