I moved slowly up the ladder, grabbing the overhang from the roof as soon as I could. I got one hand on the corner of the roof, feeling the grit of the shingles dig into my skin and then the other hand clung to the roof as well. Finally I pulled my upper body up and got most of my weight on the roof, then I slung my leg over the lower portion of the roof and then I was up. I decided to look down from the front of the house, which was probably not the best idea, but I did get a picture.

I caught my breath for a bit and then slowly approached the other side of the roof. The house is on a slope with the front, where the ladder was, being about ten feet off the ground, and then it goes all the way back until the other side is perhaps thirty feet up. That was the side I was going to. There is a chimney on the outside wall of my room and it was commonly believed that the tiles around this chimney and the stuff around it were bad and thus that this was the problem that let water in. I sat down on the roof above the chimney, looking down to the fall I'd be treated to if I made one false move. Oh yeah, this was going to be fun.

I took out my weaponry. I first decided to try the blue blowout cuz I like things that are blue. I stuck all of the pack in my mouth one at a time. It tasted sweet and blueish and not overly fruity. I searched the wrapping for any explanation of what it was supposed to taste like besides blue but I could find none.

Next came the Extra Artic berry nonsense. Oh shit! It tastes like cherry nyquil with menthol. Aaaagh that's some bad gum. It has this terrible aftertaste that's worse than mouthwash because it leaves your mouth dirty rather than sterile. I felt used after just the first stick but the blue blowout's unidentifiable taste helped a bit. Fifteen or so more sticks. I tried to eat them as quickly as possible but my jaw was going sore. Ah and the taste by now was intolerable. Once I had the whole pack in my mouth was bulging with roof fixing goodness. I cannot help but think that tar might have tasted better than Extra artic berry.

I chewed it as long as I could to attain proper chewed-ness but my jaw and the taste demanded that I get on with it. The wind was picking up as well and I knew that if anything looked at my cooler-mat-ladder contraption it would likely collapse or burn down. And so I spit a huge wad of nasty blue and red gum into my hand. The latest few sticks had only been partly chewed so they showed up as specks in the wad.

I stretched it out and blew on the area between roof and chimney to remove as much debris as possible. Then I plopped the line of stretched gum down and began to smear it into the cracks with my thumb, moistening my fingers with spit as I went. I smeared it all over the space between the chimney and the roof where the water would be most likely to get in. It did get stretched a bit thin in places but I'm sure it'll be ok when it dries. That done I took a moment to admire my work and started the most deadly part: getting down.

I looked down but try as I might I couldnt see the top step of the ladder that I would be aiming for. I considered jumping but figured it would be too risky. Finally I settled on hanging my lower half over the edge while clinging to the roof for dear life. I had not worn a shirt because of how hot the day was. However this caused a slight problem: I was essentially going to be sliding my stomach and chest over several feet of high grit sand paper. I stretched my feet all the way down to feel around with my toes. After a few minutes of frantic foot wiggling I found the very corner of the ladder and soon felt along the edges to determine where it was.

I started to slide down, groaning as the shingles scraped my chest. I finally got one foot on the ladder, then the other. I clung to the roof a while longer as I descended, finally leveling out and letting go, hopping off as soon as it was feasible since the structure could collapse at any moment. I hit the ground, grateful to be fairly stable (physicly I mean, not mentally. I mean anyone who nearly commits suicide to stick gum on their roof is clearly nuts) Truly, it had been a great day for drinking, a great day for gum, and a great day for self endangering stupidity. And when you think about it, isn't that what America is all about?