While I'm busily preparing for Operation Eagle Strike the US occupation forces are instituting their own plot, named above,
which was just recently uncovered. It appears that the US military has been paying people to say good things about it, which
in my estimate is not the best way to gain respect from people you routinely murder and sodomize. Former coke head and current
president for life George "W is for Dubya" Bush, strongly condemned such things on the record before offering reporters a
wheelbarrow of money to print a story about how great he is instead.
This isnt exactly propaganda though, this administration seems to be too lazy for propaganda. Instead they pay Iraqis to
lie so that it will look legitimate. Many of the Iraqis who wrote these articles might have had motivations besides the massive
bribes. For instance, one of them was an actor who starred in the film Three Kings, but broke with George Clooney's anti war
message to write the groundbreaking editorial titled "I am love United States of freedom"
Another courageous author, or T'ool as they're called in Iraq, is Unkel Al-Tom , who wrote a fascinating article for a
paper in Mosul titled "We's gotsa do what massa says." and followed it up with a stunning expose on the fact that George Bush
has a bigger cock than Saddam. Anti war activists pointed out that this discounted pre-war claims made by the president that
"Saddam's balls are growing dangerously large and may pose a threat to his neighbors if not soundly kicked."
Above: One of the military's authors. Oddly enough one of the first images you get when searching for "Uncle Tom" on
google image is a photo of Colin Powell. If any of you happen to be pissed at the comparison between Iraqis who cooperate
with the occupation and African Americans who condoned slavery I completely understand. The situation then was completely
different in that a bunch of rich white people went to a poorly developed part of the world, took it over, commanded its people
to obey, and began systematically stealing the regions natural resources. Clearly that's not what's going on in Iraq.
All the talk about the story didn't come from morons though, which is lucky because I think my IQ drops a few tenths of
a point every time I read something Bush's folks say. Bryan Whitman, who works for the justice department, had this to say
when asked if this was legal: "Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do." And this
just in, we've just discovered from an unamed administration source that Bryan Whitman's wife, Matalie Flame, is an undercover
CIA agent who is currently running a sting on an Al Qaeda cell in Karachi Pakistan. Karl Rove wishes us to point out that
she can be bombed at the address you see on your screen. Sorry about that Bryan.
John Warner, a presidential hopeful, didn't seem terribly thrilled either. He pointed out what was obvious- That an independent
press was necessary to a free Iraq. Warner may just have a point there. I mean I'm no revolutionary war expert here, but I
don't think America got to be independent by letting Brittain run our media. I think the reason for that can be found in the
British-approved version of Thomas Payne's firey speech printed below:
"Give me liberty please... I mean, if it's ok with you and all, whenever its convenient. I definately don't want death
though, for death is surely what would come from opposing our rightful and mighty rulers."
While that may sound silly to you, it's not near as silly as this quote about the operation which earned Lieutenant Colonel
Barry Johnson the gold star of dipshit -- the highest honor Jelly Pufflermur can give to a citizen.
"The purpose of this program is to ensure factual information is provided to the Iraqi public,"
Yes, Factual information such as this frame from a news cast pictured below:
Above: Iraqi commentator Cats spreads "factual information" as dictated to him by colonel Barry Johnson.
Crazy senator Edward Kennedy said that we shouldn't have to doctor the Iraqi people's news, but I disagree. I think an
exchange program would be interesting, wherein we pay their writers and they pay ours. I'd love to see the head line in the
Washington post read "Yankee devils must be destroyed by Allah's wrath."
I imagine the sports section would be a great deal more interesting if it was entirely written about who can plant the
most roadside bombs while dodging cluster bombs, which is Iraq's national sport. It's unfortunate that only the US and the
Iraqis have teams for "roadside bomb cluster dodging", since that means it may never become an olympic sport. But then again
the US team seems to lose a player due to injury about once a day, so maybe it's a good thing it's not played more often.
I'm J. M. Hoffman and that's news to me.
