So I was hanging out at my father's place and he wanted to pick out a movie. I had picked out a piece of shit called "Coronado" and so he had to prove the old adage "like father like son" by picking up... this. I ended up reviewing both the movies, but for different reasons. Immortal was a film that wanted to be innovative, but was clearly not. The animated bits were out of place and not terribly good, harkening to everything that was wrong with Final Fantasy The Spirits Within. The plot was as simple as The Fifth Element but the film makers managed to make it as convoluted as Aeon Flux, which it seemed to want to mimic at every turn.

The film dealt with a good concept: A god gets in trouble and has to depend on mortals to help save him. There was some jabbering about Horus in the prologue but after that it went downhill. The first scene is a blue chick with a harmonica jammed in her mouth. Then we get to see Horus get bitched out by the other gods, who are all just black people with animal heads instead of human heads. He steps out of the pyramid, jabbers about returning to his children and then blows up some planes for no reason. Then we meet Mayor Melty who looks EXACTLY like the fat mayor that Aeon Flux crawled inside of in that one episode after getting the key to his stomach from Trevor.

He's talking with some animated people about some nonsense. The animation is sketchy but it works at times. The next interesting thing, and in my opinion the best part of the film is Anubis and Isis playing monopoly. You think it's symbolic but it's not. They're just playing monopoly. They're speaking some kind of nonsense language as well. The language of the Gods might just be too complicated for my mortal ears to understand it, or it might just be highly garbled english, but even either way some fucking subtitles would be nice.

The film then goes on to talk about non-humans, mutants I guess. They are apparently horribly oppressed in... the place that they are in. It's either New York or Paris 2095. Anyhow, plotwise some doctor chick wants to experiment on blue harmonica bitch we saw in the begining. There's also some kind of intrusion zone that will kill you if you go in it mentioned. Oooook.

Anyhow, the plot continues to amble along aimlessly. A floating cryogenic prison barge decides to randomly drop its cryocapsules for no reason. The judicial system in 2095 seems to be that if you're bad you get frozen until it's time to drop you onto a bridge. The cops show up and are promptly shot by Mayor Melty's people for some reason. Then it's revealed that somehow one of the capsules not only broke, but spit out the person that was in it and left his leg behind. Darn I hate it when that happens. Horus decides to inhabit the guy as his avatar and makes him a new leg by welding on some metal.

Anyhow the guy who was in it is unhurt by the fall and the unthawing process, which consisted of him falling out of the tube and then being unthawed. So he's apparently some kind of revolutionary, but not really. He's SUPPOSED to be, but all he does is talk like he wants to be Gerard Depardieu. Anyhow later on the blue chick decides to put on a space suit and walk through some door to talk to a man who dresses in black. He offers her a blue pill, but that's not the worst of it yet. He talks some nonsense and then the scene cuts to our enemy:

A fucking red hammer head shark. They have a silly name for these things like Daiaks or something, but all it is is a hammer head shark that has been painted red. It's sent to capture or kill Gerard Depardieu and Momma Smurf by Mayor Melty. But before it can get them they meet up and have semi-consensual sex, which is the strangest thing I've ever seen outside of Japanese cinema. One minute Gerard is raping her and the next shes having fun. But wait! Suspense ensues after they finish!

The most inept Nazi search guy since Hogans Heroes shows up. He asks her for her papers, shes cool. He asks if shes a terrorist for some reason and she says no. Then he comes in and sees a black feather on the bed which for some reason is bad and requires an excuse which leads to the best line ever: "Yes I uh hate violence but I do like to caress myself with bird feathers, preferably black ones." Wow lady, way to be fucked up! Hey, I like to shove candles up my ass and pretend I'm a young eskimo girl being molested by a parrot, but I don't go telling that to the FBI when they show up at my door. Nazi guy just takes this though until he realizes she dosnt have a bathroom. She just tells him she's never going to wash again, apparently because she likes the feel of that feather too much. Once again he accepts this and just leaves and is never seen again, probably because he realized that his job was interviewing perverted refugees from a Pentium Processor commercial.

Blue chick goes into the bathroom which was apparently camoflauged by Horus/Gerard Depardieu. She yells at him for raping her and he seems to feel bad despite how consensual the sex looked and the fact that she lets him hang out in her bathroom. This leads to only the second likable scene where Horus and Gerard split and are sitting on the bed chatting to eachother and the dialogue is believable and it's just basically good stuff.

This cant last though because now its time for blue chick's hair to turn to ice for some reason and next we're treated to a shitty music video of her wandering aimlessly so that the hammer head shark can capture her. But Horus/Gerard saves her and then she complains about him raping her some more while they drink wine. Now being as I have an orifice that could conceivably be raped, let me tell you, if I honestly believed someone had stuck something up my ass, I don't care how the fuck many discolored sharks they save me from or how much wine they offer, I'm not hanging out with them. And here's why:

They have semi consensual sex again soon after. Then it is mentioned that the central park intrusion zone is a risk of death. There's some morre fighting and nonsense about levels and then the red shark dies, but another one takes its place and this one has tentacles. Yay. Blue chick takes a bath and turns the water blue. This all seems to be leading up to something, but not really.

The climax involves lines like "I should have shot you the first time we met" and then more sex. Then mayor melty talks about how people are his pawns for some reason. The new shark reveals that it comes equiped with lobster claws as everyone meets in the central park intrusion zone, which by the way is a risk of death. The guy the blue chick met in the space suit now offers her a red pill and the Waichowski brothers offer a lawsuit so the film has to be wrapped up fast. The guy with the red pills simply disappears leaving his robes behind like Obi Wan Kenobi if Obi Wan Kenobi were a matrix rip off gone wrong.

Anywho Horus kills the shark and Mayor Melty gets eaten by the floating pyramid the gods live in. Then blue chick forgets everything and in the next scene she has a baby, presumably the child of Horus. Then Horus winks at us and this train wreck finally comes to an end. Let's have a look at the cast of characters:

Starring...

Smurfette, as the blue chick

What day is it? * Who are you? * Where am I? 
Can anybody hear me?