Chefelf 5 News: Gas Prices Rise

CHEFELFIA - Oil prices have reached record highs, topping out at 80$ a
barrel this week as the current world crisis continues, say leading
crude oil companies. The United States has been slowly emptying its
pocket book at the gas pump, with even small cars requiring nearly 40$
to fill their tanks. Americans are learning the meaning of frugality
as the price of oil shows no signs of declining any time soon. "The
family can't go on our annual summer vacation to Las Vegas this year,"
Bill Robertson, of Peoria, Illonois solemnly told ChefElf 5 News. "My
wife loves to gamble away our 401K money, and my boy is so
disappointed that he won't be able to see the exotic dancers."

"I told daddy to ride his bike to work so we can save up," Robertson's
son, Bobby, said, already being forced to learn the painful skill of
careful spending. The boy, a small, doe-eyed, ten year-old runs a
lemonade stand on the corner of Wall-eye Lane and Redguard Drive, and
collects all of his profits inside a little ceramic gnome that serves
as a piggy bank. "I don't know how much longer the economy can last,"
Robertson, an amateur voyeurist said. "It's gotten so bad that I need
to use Bobby's money to pay for the down payments on our second
house."

Robertson's observation is one on many people's minds as the stock
market slumps, with companies reporting record profit lessening. As
prices rise, wallets and belt buckles tighten, gradually weakening the
economy. Companies have been forced to lay off thousands of low-paid
employees in some areas in order to prevent their managers from being
subjected to pay cuts, and entire industries stand ready to crumble.
Martha Grarby, CEO of the multi-billion dollar marshmallow company
Stay Fluft, is faced with the fact that the company is teetering on
the edge of bankruptcy. "I don't know if we can continue making
marshmallows anywhere in the world if something isn't done about these
oil prices," she said, her mouth full of microwave smores that she and
this reporter had been indulging in prior to the interview. "People
don't seem to realize that rising oil prices have a catastrophic
effect on industry. We use oil to keep our machinery running smoothly.
We use fuel in order to ship our products to those in need around the
world. We use gasoline to power the entire marshmallow making process,
and it is also a chief ingredient in our confectionary products."

As the wealthy, industrialized nations of the world depend on oil for
nearly every facet of life, from standardized production to dog
walking, the rising oil prices have impacted the United states, with
harrowing results. However, what is the cause of this crisis? We at
ChefElf 5 News recently spoke to Mujib Al-Shibbyoompaloopma, CEO of
the oil company Immobile, about it. "Sunrise," he said. Yes, as
frightening as it may seem, the sun rising each morning may be the
largest contributor to the growing oil prices. "The sun impacts every
major element of oil manufacture." Al-Shibbyoopmaloopma said gravely,
aboard his solid gold yacht, anchored permanently off of the coast of
Cancun, where Immobile's headquarters is located. "The heat of the sun
causes severe fatigue and skin cancer. Its light causes eye damage in
our workers, and the heat dehydrates them. It's difficult to find
anyone who is willing to work for five cents an hour for nine hours a
day, year round, with no vacation time, on top of the hazards of the
sun." The amount of daylight is also a hinderance to the productivity
of oil companies.

"In some sites, the sun is only out for half of a day, meaning that
twelve hours of work-time are eliminated due to the whims of nature,"
a spokesperson for oil giant Exoff, said during a phone conversation
from his private jet, when asked as to why prices continue to rise.
"This recent development has cut our productivity in half," he said. A
recently socialized group of former human predators, now working for
oil companies under a labor union, had this to say "We can't work
during the long, hot days," the head of the Fair Treatment of Vampires
union , Aaron Bloodwyne, said. "Vampires can only work at night, and
so they are useless during the day." He said.

Aaron's concerns may only grow in the future. Scientists report that
the force of gravity exerted by the Moon on the Earth is slowly
slowing the Earth's rotation down, meaning that both days and nights
will be only growing longer. "The tidal forces of the Moon act as a
sort of planetary brake," local scientist Kip Jungleface said. The
Earth is slowing down, and the moon is also drifting farther away from
the planet. In fact, this may happen soon. Scientists predict that in
just ten years, the Earth will have come to a complete stop, scorching
half of its surface with eternal day, and shrouding the other half in
perpetual darkness. "This is a very real concern. We're lobbying to
stop the slowing of the Earth by ejecting the Moon out of our orbit
and into the sun before the Earth's rotation is decreased enough to
ruin the ecosystems of the planet.*" Currently, Congress has not
drafted any bills to assist in alleviating the oil crisis by removing
the Moon from Earth's orbit.