You'd think that not knowing a damned thing about the guy, never having seen him in person, and being an ignorant American, I would not endeavor to write up a lengthy discourse on his circumstance, personality, and place in life.

 

But, son, it's just plain unAmerican not to make ignorant stereotypes up about people you don't know. So, in the spirit of patriotism, I'd like to present this wildly inaccurate and fantastical profile of Sime Sublime, the first contributer to my site. If you want one that's "Accurate" or "not made up" or, as President Bush and our  intelligence agencies would put it "UnAmerican" you can check out his real biography.

 

Sime was born in the waters off the Western coast of Australia, the son of forbidden love between a mermaid and two porpoises. It's not forbidden for a mermaid to make love to one porpoise, but it IS forbidden for her to have a menage a trois. Plus it's believed that a dildo was involved and in the state of Texas that is punishable by death, as is everything else.

 

But he did not drift to the shores of Texas. Rather he set ashore in Perth, Western Australia. There he crushed the city under his jackboot until a kind hearted man showed him the true meaning of St. Swiverns Day and he repented from his life of hard core bondage action and his day job as the popular eighties youth band, Menudo. Here's more!

 

Name: Sime Sublime

 

Occupation: Former Menudo.

 

Age: Older than the stars and the sky

 

Religion: Shinto, the Japanese ancestor worship. His god is his grandfather who forgot his name and then fell off a roof.

 

Politics: Capitalist pig-dog

 

Sex: Male

 

Gender: Blackistani

 

Hobbies: Observing the unstoppable force of erosion. Also, riding Donkeys around the wild deserts of Australia. Also, shooting people and leaving them for dead in the Perth city hospital (he would do a lot better if he rode donkeys around the Perth hospital and left people for dead in the desert, but noone is perfect.)

 

Favorite band: It's part of his name. That's right, the popular alternative/funkadelic group "Sime"

 

Titles: The puffinesque, the Green Knight (hey these two are actually accurate!)

 

Likes: Water. Motor oil. Paper. Papa Legba (a voodoo deity)

Dislikes: Me.

 

Favorite quote: "Cross that line and I'll cut off your teddy bear's head" - Buddy from Six String Samurai

 

Favorite dish: Kimchi

 

Pets: A black mamba he named "Mr. Bitey." Also, Steve Irwin, who constantly chases Mr. Bitey around while making come-ons to him in an Aussie accent.