The King of Zombies

I’m going to be honest and upfront with you right here. The King of Zombies is a truly terrible movie.  It’s so bad, in fact, that It’s funny if you’re a savvy internet humorist with lots of wit, popcorn, and a friend to watch it with.  It’s funny how I fit all of those qualities, but life’s strange like that.

Anyhow, if this article is well-liked, I plan to review such features as “The Gorilla”, and “The Brain that Wouldn’t Die”.

I’m also going to let you know that this movie was very reminiscent of Scooby Doo, so much so that I was bordering on e-mailing Cartoon Network to ask if they ripped this off (Lazer Squad, ATTACK!).

I’ll get right to the story. A plane is flying in a storm, and there are two white guys and a black guy in it. They’re flying over the Caribbean to an unknown (at least to me) destination and purpose. (Cliché alert!)

The plane quickly crashes, and the black guy wakes up lying down with his arms folded across his chest like he fell asleep. They’re in a graveyard. The black guy starts freaking out, and thinks one of the white guys wrapped up in a sheet is a ghost. (Scooby Doo alert!)

Of course, once they start to explore the island, they find a strange mansion with an even stranger butler and a very strange master. This master I speak of, he looks like Dracula. (Cliché alert!)

Now, as proof of how illogical this movie is, Dracula takes the guys to his study for a drink with his catatonic wife, and almost gives away his plan in the first half hour! It’s lucky for Dracula that the plane guys were so dumb. Here’s what they said:

White Guy 1: “This is a very strange island you have here…”

Dracula: “Yes…We’re very isolated, and we get our supplies from ships.”

White Guy 2: “When’s the next one?”

Dracula: “Two weeks away, but nobody leaves this island without my wanting it…”

*very awkward pause that is reminiscent of Austin Powers*

Dracula: “Of course, I don’t mean you. You are free to go whenever you wish.”

I imagine the various characters were thinking something like this.

Dracula: Whew, almost let the cat out of the bag… Nice save. I rock so hard… I love myself; I think I’ll go upstairs now…

White Guy 1: Hmm… there’s something suspicious about this… I can’t quite put my finger on it…

White Guy 2: I feel like a clone of White Guy 1…

Black Guy: I hope you die right now, won’t you drink my chemical?

Dracula’s wife: Blargh, I have no hat. Rock me like a hurricane.

It’s fairly amazing that no one figured out that Dracula wasn’t a good guy, especially with all these clichés floating around, but what do you expect from a movie that’s reviewed with “Crappy Movie Reviews” under its title?

Anyway, they go to bed and the black guy is made to sleep in the servant’s quarters (he was apparently the white guys’ servant…). He makes chit-chat with a hot chick and she mentions something about zombies. Then she says “You can’t just clap your hands around here and zombies come runnin’.” She demonstrates this by clapping her hands and bringing the two most ridiculous zombies that I’ve ever seen. They were basically two burly black guys. That’s it, no makeup, no nothing.

Black guy runs up to whit guys’ room, to find them sleeping in the same bed… Now, I’m sure that nothing sexual was going on there, but I’m also sure that Martians came down and ate my ass, and I still have my ass.

I’m skipping some of the boring parts here, it’s basically them investigating and finding nothing but a whole lot of nothing.

Later, Dracula goes to a bookcase and pulls a book off the shelf to open a secret passage. He goes down to see the cook, who’s poking another white guy in a chair and chanting things that sound like the song “Ranky Tanky”. He asks her how breaking into the captain’s memory is going, and she replies “Not well. We may have to perform the Rites of the Calamari (It wasn’t really Calamari. I made that up because I forgot what it was named.)” These rites sound dangerous to me! Now we’re getting somewhere!

He replies “Good”, and radios off to some government whom he’s trying to steal the Captain’s secrets for.

More boring stuff here, and somewhere in this muddled crap White Guy 1 picks up Dracula’s daughter and White Guy 2 gets turned into a zombie.


The Black Guy goes into the White Guys’ room to get a gun, and Dracula convinces him to come into the basement, where he hypnotizes him into being a zombie (Well, not really. The Hot Chick sees him later and realizes he’s acting like an idiot.).
So they somehow get into the sub-basement in time for the Rites of Calamari. Dracula sees them and orders White Guy 2 to Attack the Intruders! White Guy 2 turns on Dracula after White Guy 1 persuasion (don’t you remember loving me?!), and knocks him into a poorly placed big fire pit. Really, even for Voodoo rituals, those things should have railing.

So this movie basically ends with a big happy huggy ending, except that there’s lots of brainless zombies and White Guy 2 never got cured.

My ending would have the US testing their atomic bombs on that island, just at the climax of the movie.