Blake, my best friend and current worst enemy of anyone who fucks with the US army, is a genius. It's necessary that people understand that because he might become a full member of the site. However not everyone who reads the site has been exposed to Blake, so I thought that just as a primer I would give you all some background on him by listing his brilliant inventions.

Now, honestly, some of these were not so great. Some of them didn't work at all and some of them might seem mean or stupid. This is not the case. When the inventions didn't work it was because Blake simply couldnt be bothered to make them work. Most of the time he just trifles about with his inventions, but they still show a grand creative flair that hasn't been seen since Thomas Edison.

Of course none of these inventions help humanity in any way. And none of them really have much of any function at all. But the laughter and fun they bring cannot be valued. Many of these things are still a private joke amongst our friends to this day, years after they disappeared back into the depths of time. And now without further adieu, here are Blake's Inventions.

The Idiot Blade is probably the most legendary of Blake's inventions. It started its life as some junk metal laying around the yard. It was about five feet long, making it a bit longer than a normal sword. Blake had wanted to make a really nifty sword for quite some time since his old weapon broke in battle with Tom the Wizard*

So Blake went into his father's workshop and cut and sharpened this thing into a single edged five foot long sword of insanity. There was no hilt or handle to speak of, but it was about 2 inches across until it came to a point at the top. I did battle against him once and the thing was so unwieldy he nearly cleaved his own shoulder off. He later decided it needed a better test and so he attacked a junk table that was left in the yard.

The battle between Blake and the table was the stuff of legends.The table did get pretty effed up, especially since it was pretty badly damaged by the elements already. However Blake's sword soon began to warp and then bend, and a large part of it broke off until he was left with something that resembled a three foot long heavy spatula. This was called the Spatula Blade, but it was of absolutely no use for melee.

Blake thought it might be a good ranged weapon, but with its weight and shape even Blake's great strength couldn't throw it terribly far, leading Chris and I to joke that it was only useful if your attacker was crawling slowly towards you. This last bit of the idiot blade eventually got tossed in an old fish tank, rusted, and then disappeared. It might still be around somewhere. In our desire to understand the idiot blade Christ and I made up some stats for it.

Idiot Blade

2 handed weapon

1 d8+5

Masterwork item.

Subtracts 5 points from INT but adds 1 point to STR.

Last known to be wielded by Blake.

*Tom is a wizard somewhat like Chris in that he appeared for a while and then vanished. He always had amazing abilities to cause fun stuff to happen, such as swordfights or LANs, and his powers allowed him to slay the fuck out of bad movies. He was also able to fix most any computer problem and he totally PWNed at Unreal Tournament.

Fahcuel (pronounced FAH-quewl) was a sock puppet. But not an ordinary sock puppet. Fahcuel would fucking kick your lilly ass. Charles (a guy we used to know who didn't quite understand Blake's genius and was pretty negative) did not like Fahcuel. Fahcuel started out as a sock with some eyes drawn on it, but Charles attacked and cut a hole in it after the tenth time Fahcuel popped up behind Charles and tugged on his ear (one of Fahcuels many attacks)

So, for a time Fahcuel was vanquished, but Blake eventually duct taped it back together. Charles set Fahcuel on fire because Fahcuel punched him. Fahcuel was rebuilt again, this time with parts of broken CD and metal bottle caps. Fahcuel was now a deadly weapon. Charles and Fahcuels wars continued, as Charles repeatedly tried to burn the earstwhile sockpuppet.

In Fahcuels final incarnations he had Gundam parts, cds, knives, and various otherthings as armor, but none of this helped him when Charles finally got ahold of him and burned him to nothing. Thus another of Blake's great triumphs was laid low by the cynicism of fools.

By My Self was yet another tactic in the battle between Blake and Charles. Charles would destroy one of Blake's action figures or inventions, Blake would shove a cat's butt in his face. Charles would order people to get a job or stop acting silly, and Blake would build a rifle that shot his urine at people.

But nothing Blake created could save him from one of Charles' most morbid and diabolical tactics: The Bodies. It went something like this:

Charles: What are we going to do about the bodies?

Blake: Shuttup Charles.

Charles: That's not going to work they're piling up we have to do something about the bodies.

Me: Shuttup Charles we'll burn them.

Charles: You can't burn the bodies there's too many of them. What are we going to do about the bodies.

Blake: Shuddup Charles, Shuddup Charles...

Charles: The Bodies. The Bodies. The Bodies. The Bodies. ETC.

It really got annoying if he kept at it for a while, and it seemed as though the alliance of Blake and J. M. would fall until Blake developed By My Self. He had asked Charles and I to help him do something and we both declined, and so he began the following ballad:

By myself

By myself

By myself

By myself

I will do it all by myself

By myself

By myself

By myself

By myself

I will do it all by myself! (repeat ad infinitum)

After the invention of by myself caused his annoyance circuits to overload and the subsequent development of the piss cannon gave us a weapon against him Charles was a mere shell of his former self, a bodiless spirit of malice that could do no further harm to me, Blake or the Gundams.

The System of a Down song was a relativley simple invention that was developed thanks to Stronghold Crucader. It kept saying my people were starving and Blake began to put this to melody after the game repeated it for the bazzilionth time (I didn't feed my people. If they wanted to eat they should have thought of that before they let Blake's forces win the battle for the pitch pits north of us.)

System of a down was on and eventually the lyrics blended together into Blake screaming the words "starving people" along with some gibberish. It soon became evident that if you screamed loud enough with a few intelligible words it sounded almost just like a system of a down song, and we considered sending in the lyrics to them.

Cat butt was just that. A "game" where the only winner was Blake and the only objective was to shove a cat's butt in Charles or his sister's face. There were various tactics. He might grab up one of many small cats around and then hold then just the right distance from the side of someone's face, then say "Hey Charles" and when Charles pivoted his head to the side and saw the cat's butt Blake would victoriously exclaim: "CAT BUTT!" It was permitted by the rules also to just shove a cats butt in someones face no matter what they were doing.

Fatcat was never used in cat butt, because she owns the house and everyone in it. The other cats were just kind of popping up and Fatcat looked upon them with disdain, so it was ok to shove their butts in peoples faces or put them in drawers. All of them have since disappeared and we attribute this to the wrath of Fatcat.

Stay tuned for part 2!

What day is it? * Who are you? * Where am I? 
Can anybody hear me?