So I got this email from some debt counciling service. Normally I just delete those since, despite what some might think,
the lavish spending habits of an internet celebrity havn't sunk me into a six figure debt yet. However I had to keep this
email, and there's a good reason for that.
This wasn't just another offer involving one low monthly payment, or one large lump sum, or several high monthly payments,
or several small but lump sums. No, it was one of those... from Christians. And everyone knows that if a debt counciling service
claims to be Christians they can't be a scam. I mean people might lie about being trustworthy and wanting to help you with
your debt, but who would call themselves a Christian if they didnt really follow Christ's ideas? No one could be that dishonest!
So, eager to combine the debt I didn't have into one small monthly annuity payment 3.5% APR for the first five months,
I told them all of my financial information. Maybe if I hadn't lied they'd have tried to help me, but I doubt it. They might
not be willing to turn the other cheek after all the crazy shit I put down here, and that's assuming that the email wasn't
an attempt to entrap me as pay back for the Christian baiting thing.
How did you hear about us? From spam
Best Time of Day to call? Never
Your Income
Monthly Take Home Pay? 700
Spouse Take Home Pay? I don't know how much Slade makes, but he'd best give me my cut or I have to slap his bitch ass.
Other Income? a guy owes me 80 bucks for some pot
Clients Employer? Employers Client.
Expenses
Tithes Charity? If Tithes means how much you pay for hookers, than 100 a month, if not, no.
Rent Mortgage? Why would you rent a mortgage?
Lot Rent? Naw I don't pay a lot for rent really.
Property Tax? I pay taxes on a few slaves I own.
Home Owners? Naw I'm a squatter.
Renters Electricity? Renters 2: Electricity boogaloo.
Water/Sewer? No, that's not water in the sewer, believe me I've checked.
Gas? It was the dog!
Phone Cable? I make it a point never to call anyone who was in X Men.
TV /Internet? Comparing these two things is fucking dumb.
Food? I'm 22, what do you think? You get four packs of Ramen for a dollar at the food lion.
CarPayment#1? I've got your car payment right here... IN MY PANTS!
Gas Oil? Yeah that was a wet one wasnt it...
Car Payment#2? In the same place as number one. Hey wait someting wrong about saying I have number 1 and number 2 in
my pants... but oh well. IN MY PANTS!
Auto Insurance? Nope, they're safe enough where they are.
Child Care? I'm paying a former Nazi scientist to turn my child into the perfect soldier so he can pilot an advanced
weapon to overthrow the government. Actually I just try to sound German when I yell orders, and it's not so much a child as
it is a cat. The training isn't going well because she usually responds to every order I give by laying down or eating.
Tuition? Fruition.
Other? Bribe money: 200
Client Debt Information
Please fill in the Debt Summary using information from your most Current Statements.
Our counselors work with all credit cards, department stores, gas cards, and other unsecured debts.
Comments-Please
let us know about any urgent issues
(such as anticipated changes in your income or expenses.
Please email me back as my phone line is tied up with internet goodness and thus too busy to be harassed by you. I am eager
to get out of debt.
CreditorName DebtType CurrentBalance InterestRate AmountDelinquent MinimumPayment
Charlie Rent +a lot Greenspan None 5 Billion
Big Mike Gambling -200 He breaks one of my fingers every week
Internet Delicious +70 CPU None IN MY PANTS
Phone Lactose free +10 AARP Juvenile Blowjob
