Fred Phelps may not be any good at convincing people to follow him, or anything besides making himself look like a raving
lunatic, but I knew that the tactics he pioneered to address homosexuality would be my best bet against the makers of the
Lazer Storm. Fred Phelps uses threats of violence and a bunch of misinterpreted "facts" from some silly old book to attack
his enemies (which consist of the entire fucking world)
I'm going to use threats of violence and a bunch of misinterpreted facts from a silly old member of the Lazer Squad, namely
Dorothy. And to make sure that my concerns aren't ignored like they do their other customers I'm going to enlist the help
of The Rock and his two-by-four. I decided to do so by searching for his email address on google. I found The Rock on a gun
lovers forum. The wrestling commentators seem to have failed to mention that he loves guns and comes from "The occupied Confederate
States of America". Buoyed by learning so much about a shining example of a man who hits people with two by fours, I immediately
sent out an email:
"Hi there, The Rock,
I've recently become aware of a terrible scam. You might have seen the infomercials for the Lazer Storm vacuum, and if
so you know the true face of terror. The Lazer Storm is a terrible scam, and they even got a guy I know to send them a lot
of money, so now it's personal, and that's why I'm emailing you.
I've followed your career closely, from the time you hit that one guy with a two by four, to the time you hit that other
guy with a two by four and took his belt. I loved you in that movie where you hit people with two by fours and the other movie
that was named for you but did not involve you or two by fours at all, though Sean Connery did hit some guy with something
at one point in time.
Anyhow, if you could hit the people who make this vacuum cleaner with a two by four it would kick ass.
Your fan, J. M. Hoffman
PS: When you're beating up the people responsible for the shitty infomercial, I suggest that you say "That's WRONG, Debby!"
After hitting Debby with a two by four."
Now that I had recruited The A Rock, I needed to have something that proved that I'm legit and something to show
to the cops after they'd arrested me for wielding a two by four in the Igia offices. I enlisted Dorothy to help me, and she
made possibly the largest graph ever known to man. I made it so it could no longer be viewed from space and produced a few
of my own, so that people can understand why the Lazer Storm isn't as good as the Lazer Squad, and also why The Rock is better
than a vacuum cleaner.
The original version of the graph was made by Dorothy of the Lazer Squad. The problem is that it was bigger than God, and
she told me to make it less huge so she wouldnt feel intimidated and have to take out the smiting stick. In return she granted
me the answer to any question I might ask. I asked who would win in a fight between Godzilla and Mr. T. She turned me into
This Guy.
After about ten generations of evolution I'm back to comment on the graph above. You can see in the first comparison above
that The Lazer Squad kicks ass in the pie eating contest. This is because they are humans and have digestive tracts I imagine
the Lazer Storm could suck up some pie, but it would quickly break.
Now we come to homeland security. The Lazer Storm has a scary name that might intimidate terrorists, and having a clear
bin on it makes it difficult to hide a bomb or a turban in one. The Lazer Squad however keeps tabs on the people in America
most likely to commit acts of terrorism, namely lunatic Christian fundamentalists. We send them emails, look over their sites,
and infiltrate their under water bases. The Lazer Squad wins again!
Education is next. From the Lazer Storm commercial we learn some bullshit about cyclone technology and its implentations
in daily life. This information dosnt seem terribly educational though since its presented by a blonde idiot and a speed freak.
The Lazer Squad, alternatively, are all professional Christian Baiters and writers and we just give people the facts. We're
educating our youth for the challenges of this post september elventh world!
Of course education is nothing without opportunity. Let's compare the Lazer Squad's stance on equal opportunity with that
of the Lazer Storm. The Lazer Squad is about 20 percent female and they're all paid equally. The Lazer Storm is an electrical
appliance, and we all know there are only two kinds of those: the ones that are good servants of their rightful human masters
and the ones that are evil murderous appliances.
Next there's the arts. The Lazer Storm got negative score here because the infomercial was an assault on all of the senses
and the sanity of the viewer. The Lazer Squad gets pretty high marks because many of us are artists and we're all writers,
except for the ones who never do anything.
Love is an important area. Robots can't feel love, and when they are exposed to it they short circuit and explode. Except
for Optimus Prime, because he is love personified. The Lazer Squad however loves many things, such as making fun of crazy
arse Christians.
Vacuuming is next on the graph. The Lazer Storm was expected to dominate this event, being as it's a vacuum cleaner, but
it ran into problems since it dosn't vacuum very well. This event was declared a tie- The Lazer Storm does as good a job of
vacuuming as some lazy college and high school web humorists.
Silence comes next. As I stated in the letter to them from part two, vacuums make a lot of noise whereas the lazer squad
are masters of the silent but deadly arts of Ninjitsu. Clearly the Lazer Squad wins. Speaking of Ninjitsu, the Lazer Squad
has better chances of mastering the arts of Ninjitsu than the Lazer Storm. The only chance it has is that Jackie Chan will
find it during a fight and use it to fucking kill ten other Chinese people who are evil.*
*Fun Fact: Anyone who fucks with Jackie Chan is automaticly evil. Even if it's the pope or your grandmother or something.
Finally I rated sexual prowess. The Lazer Storm scored its highest marks here because I'm sure there are people who can
find lots of creative uses for those attachments. Hell, I think I saw a website for them when I was writing This. Anyhow the Lazer Squad wins again because I think Dorothy is hot... And Icey too. Yoohooooo, Icey.
Mrrrowwww!
The second graph is a pie chart. The red and green represent Jelly Pufflemur. The green is my contributions to the site.
You can see that I am about 2/3rds of Jelly Pufflemurs humor. The black represents how much funnier the film Walking Tall
is than our site. You can see that Jelly Pufflemur is ummm ten oclock as funny as Walking Tall. So, as the graph demonstrates,
if I were to replace The Rock in the starring role, Walking Tall would be Pac Man, or something. The white line isn't a divider.
It represents The Rock's acting skills. It also allowed me to turn the pie graph into a Palestinian flag to show my dedication
to the destruction of the Zionist Entity.
In the final graph I think I was trying to compare The Rock to a vacuum and my site, as well as the planet Neptune for
some reason. I got bored along the way and so I drew a penis and a smiley face, which I think is about to suck the penis,
or eat the fish. It's a penis fish, you see. Anyhow, we fucking kicked the Lazer Storm's ass after half time, but we had problems
in the second trimester which, I think, means that the Dow Jones Industrial Average will be born prematurely. Anyhow, the
most important thing you should learn from this article is that you should put the money you were going to invest in a Singer
Lazer storm into a wiser stock, such as Jelly Pufflemur, The Rock, A Rock, Half time, or Neptune. As you can see from the
graph, Neptune has never been more profitable.
