So I was surfing the net recently looking for things to ridicule. You would be stunned at how much of my time online is spent like that. I found some site called "world combat"...

so far so good right?

but then they add in "dating" to make "World Combat Dating" It's like WWF (or whatever they call themselves these days) but with sex. If one had enough beer such a site would be heaven. But not all things are as they appear. WCD as I shall call it is actually just a dating service that encourages you to "find a warrior princess". And if you're out to date a woman and using "ability to kick my ass" as a mode of selection, you're going to be the bitch in that relationship. Good luck finding such a person though, because from what I can see most of the mutants they feature on their home page havn't come looking for people to enact the old stomp-n-fuck with since February. And I expect most of them only joined when they saw this text from their home page:

Join World Combat Dating NOW!

And whimpered out something like "ok ok I'll join you just don't hurt me!"

The site was as interesting to me as it was to its members except for the hilarious name and the fact that it was a gateway site for harder drugs and, in fact, stupider web sites. One of these sites was linked at the top. The premise didn't seem that awful. Some bullshit about making your body into elastic steel through excersise that required no equipment or effort or sweating or discomfort or anything at all. You know, just like all the other programs that just require the use of your suspendias disbeliefita maximi muscles, a few hundred dollars, and getting up off your ass*.

*Warning: Getting up off your ass not included.

Anyhow, the ad had something else though, something that told me that this site was not maintained by a super genius marketing guru like Billy Blank or Billy Gates. That something was this:

Would you like that in text just to make sure you're not misreading?

Develop flexibility that toddlers will envy.

Now, they could have used a different analogy, but then I wouldn't have found this delightful little site, so let's just be thankful while I explain what's wrong with this statement. First of all, if your physical fitness goals involve gaining the admiration of two year olds, you're probably not very fit. All you have to do is not wear diapers and you'll have their envy, but I'm guessing that might be above the abilities of the mind that came up with this phrase and then put it on a big banner.

The second problem is something I don't know if I'm fit to comment on. I'm no toddler expert, but I used to be one. And I can recall being yelled at to stop biting things and screaming back the closest things to obscenities I could come up with. My point? You DON'T want toddlers to envy you. They will bite you. And no matter how flexible you are that's still going to hurt a lot.

And to avoid that kind of pain while reviewing www.elasticsteel.com I knew I was going to need a superstar squad of combat specialists. But the Christian Baiting Lazer Squad have been on vacation, so I just recruited a few particularly funny looking people from World Combat Dating. I hope they don't find out though, cuz if they do I might have to engage in combat with them, or engage in dating with them, or engage in combat dating with them. My team includes:

A 40 something balding guy who claims to be a twenty something not balding guy known to his magic the gathering group only as "The War Machine"

"Shalkar" a descendant of that pink guy from Dragon Ball Z who could eat people.

"Gemma" who will never in a million years convince me that she is 43 in this picture, and who will fill the role of my love interest double agent during this mission. Oh gods I hope she's more interested in dating than combat.

My ultra team is rounded off with the inclusion of the husband and wife duo of Hedgehog Hair Harry and his love, Ming Lee the Gem Studded Nose Holder.

Together we would storm into elasticsteel.com, take as many prisoners as we could, deactivate the war heads, and then make fun of the architecture of the secret base that is built there. Then, with the strength of friendships forged through combat and dating, we would write a silly article about that site. Click here to continue to part two... NOW!