So, this is a story about a HIGHLY made up country called El Coronado (translation: The Coronado) The country is ruled
by Gimli of Lord of the Rings fame. This is a poor sequel though, and I didn't read about Gimli becoming a South American
dictator anywhere in Unfinished Tales or the Silmarillion. Anywho, Gimli, having surrendered to the power of the ring or something,
is evil (though this is never shown) and so Jennifer Aniston, Han Solo, and a chunky guy who wants to be Che Guevara have
to overthrow him. But look out! They'll be opposed by an award winning cast of chunky oppressors.
+ 
VS 
Above: Imagine a horrible universe where a star wars character and a Friend battle Gimli. Then try never to think of
something so horrible again. The Han Solo I can forgive but who thought Jennifer Anniston-like chick was a good casting? And
if they had to have someone from LOTR they could have gotten Legolas like everyone else. I hope someone got fired for that,
since this movie's reviews probably made Gimli want to fall on his own axe.
Anyhow the film starts out with a military coup. There's tanks everywhere, but for no apparent reason a bunch of idiots
scamper around the streets with torches. It's not the olympics though, it's the producer's idea of what a latin American revolution
looks like. For absolutely no conceivable reason a woman trying to look and act and sound as much like Jennifer Aniston as
possible is scaling a wall. Then she attacks The Worst Firing Squad Ever. These ten or so men with guns then procede to shoot
at her and miss horribly until she falls. This fails to produce any suspense since she's narrating the story.
Then it cuts to her being interrogated with two chunky guards. It seems that being chunky is a requirement of the government
of Coronado. Her questioners are chunky Saddam Hussein and a bug eyed chunky black guy who likes to bug his eyes out. Anyhow
she's telling them how she came to Coronado, and it's an almost plausible story. Her husband or fiance or something went to
Switzerland and she went to follow him and surprise him. Then he wasnt in Switzerland and she discovered he was actually in
Coronado.
So she flew to Coronado, because apparently the job of looking like Jennifer Aniston allows her limitless resources and
frequent flyer miles. Please note that this is no accident. While it may have made sense to have a tough protagonist who would
be believable, they seem to have sent people out to find women who looked like that one idiot from Friends, which clearly
shows you whyo the audience they were aiming at was.
As she lands we get to see a statue of their dictator. He's chunky but you cant quite figure out who he is yet. For no
reason some helicopters attack while she's wandering around like a moron. They're apparently rebel helicopters. Now, having
read Che Guevara's treatise on guerilla warfare I can tell you that random moronic air strikes have no place whatever in guerilla
warfare or revolutions. It is after the attack that she meets Han Solo. He has some silly name, but he's really just trying
to reprise Harrison Ford's role in Starwars, there'll be proof later.
Anyhow she wanders off like a moron again and then meets some chunky general. He notifies her, that the rebels like to
randomly kidnap people, though there is never any evidence of this. He points out (not for the last time) that the rebels
control a quarter of the country which is 30000 square miles. People repeat this line at least four times in the movie for
no good reason. He does not however inform her that the Coronadoian flag is just a Palestinian flag with a star pasted on
it.
So, after he hits on her a bit she goes to her hotel and asks for "a non smoking room" not to dine in, but to fugging sleep
in. Apparently she wants to be in a room where if someone should walk in to sleep with her they will not be allowed to smoke.
Then she talks to the reporter a bit and the hotel is blown up by the rebels because members of the military stay there. Yeah
that makes sense somehow. One begs to ask why it is that the rebels don't already own the country if they can fly around completely
unopposed.
Luckily Jennifer Aniston was not in her non smoking room when it was blown to bits, but the police let her walk right back
to the door of her room even though the hotel is half blown away. It becomes evident that the government is the most inept
and powerless dictatorship ever. Anyhow, Han Solo has decided to go interview the rebel leader. Jennifer Aniston has a plan
too. Unfortunately her plan is, word for word "To go to the rebel base and rescue her fiance." That's thet plan. No Rambo
shit, she dosnt even own a gun. Instead of Han Solo throwing her into a mental asylum he decides to take her with him after
she offers payment. (Star Wars similarity 1)
But soon she discovers his plan he actually wants to give the rebels guns in return for an interview. (Hmmm so he's a mercenarial
smuggler eh? SW similarity 2) Now I'm not a reporter so I don't know about their ethical standards, I mean I'm sure this is
normal. Everyone knows that a famous reporter during world war two brought Hitler a barrel of lighter fluid in return for
an interview, and that during Vietnam it was Walter Cronkite who brought the souls of three innocents murdered in their beds
and three cracked hippie heads to Richard Nixon in return for an exclusive, so I'm sure there's a historical precident.
Anyhow they're persued by some inept imperial... ermmm I mean Coronadoian troops who were keeping a tank and several jeeps
at a checkpoint in ambush while manning the checkpoint only with a chunky guard. It should also be noted that bullets have
no effect on cars or jeeps. Then one of the worst rip offs in movie history comes about while they're fleeing the government
tank and Jennifer Anniston asks "What are you doing?" as Han Solo draws a gun. His witty reply: "I'm saving your butt, princess!"
(Similarity to SW: 3 with an extra point makes 4)
Anyhow, they escape after blowing up and killing all the inept government troops in a jeep chase that looks kind of like
the one in Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark, only crappier. Then they sit around and talk in what is supposed to be character
development. Their driver guy reveals that the government tortured him or something, which is one of the few accusations of
wrong doing on the government's part. "They tortured some guy who drives trucks" is not a salable basis for a revolution.
Next we see the second, and last, stirring example of the government's evil. They apparently burned down the rebel leader's
home town, but were nice enough to let his kid sister live. She serves no purpose whatsoever except to be a cute kid. It is
at this point I must note that smoke machines are lame, and that if the rebels were more busy defending the liberated territory
and instituting realistic reform then bombing random hotels and street corners the village wouldn't have been burned.
Next they cross a large rickety wooden bridge, which is a staple of adventure film crap. In this one they drive a large
truck over it. They have to get out because the bridge is rickety and breaks. It was just in time because a government plane,
apparently the ONLY government plane, decides to attack them. Now normally this plane would shoot the large bulky and above
all stationary truck. But it dosn't. The pilot decides to go for extra points by sniping the small moving targets beside the
plane using missiles. This does not work, surprisingly enough, but it does cause Jennifer Aniston to fall to her death, and
a sigh of relief is heard among fans of decent television everywhere.
Anyhow she survived somehow and was picked up by the rebels. They try to explain why the US is selling them arms even though
the US supposedly hates the, this explanation consists of "That's politics" Jennifer Aniston, in one of the few scenes in
which she makes an intelligent point, is confused by this and asks "So?" And the rebel replies with "So you are a woman."
It is clear that the rebels are the good guys because of their ideas of equal rights and justice.
So she gets to the rebel base and falls in love with that scruffy nerf hearder. Then the little girl does something cute
and is forgotten for the rest of the film. Oh did we mention that the rebel base is inside a hollow cave in an aztec city
which the Spanish never found? Anyhow now that she's bonding with the rebels and falling in love she meets her fiance and
smacks him about, and then a chunky kind of Che Guevara rip off says that without her fiance the revolution would not happen.
Then we get to hear an inspiring speech by the chunky Che. Bla bla bla freedom. Bla bla bla tyranny. Bla bla bla I wish
I was listening to the speech from Braveheart. Finally he gives us the skinny on the third moronic plan in the film: The US
is going to give him more guns and crap, which he clearly already has, and then he's going to make a broadcast on television
to tell everyone to join his revolution. Somehow just going on tv once will make everyone believe him. He makes a big deal
about how "Television will start our revolution" First of all, Gil Scott-Heron would be apauled, second of all, no it won't,
and third of all, this guy is a supreme dumbass.
So his helicopters take off and dock on an American ship. The ship then explodes, because it was a trap. A trap to blow
up three helicopters. Once again, this is a dunce fuck plan. The CIA apparently supplied hundreds of air units to the rebels
to gain their trust so they could blow up three helicopters and tell the government where the rebel base is. The problem is
that if the government ever got there the rebels would blow them to smithereens with their massive air force, which they seem
to fuel with the power of their chunkyness.
Anyhow, Chunky Che further elaborates his plan. He's going to take over the capital and THEN get the people on his side
with television. Che Guevara teaches that a revolution must have the support of the population just to begin, but then again
he also teaches the use of actual guerilla warfare and not just blowing everything up with fighter jets. And, honestly, once
you control the capital of the country and kill the enemy, does it really matter if the people support you? When you rule
a country you can go on TV whenever you want.
Anyhow he asks Jennifer Anniston and Han Solo to carry the only tape of his dorky speech to the capital and air it. It
would be silly to just wait until he takes control of the capital or make a copy of the damned tape. Jennifer and Han are
promptly captured after a huge explosion which fails to damage Jennifer's hair in the slightest. Upon capturing them we see
that the government and her lame fiance can't even afford handcuffs.
So now it all comes together. We meet the evil dictator who is clearly Gimli. He has no idea whats going on and the CIA
guy makes him have Han Solo executed for no good reason. Han Solo is in prison beging guarded by some guy doing an Al Pacino
impression, who he attempts to bribe. He's then treated to the guy doing his best pissed off gangster act.
Han goes to the firing squad and the rebels invade completely unopposed. They not only have more air power but more tanks
than the government, and it is unclear how they were unable to take over for this long. I guess cuz they hadnt been able to
do their stupid fucking commercial. I've watched Latin American TV before, and just about every program could conceivably
be a rebel leader making a speech about the liberation of his country, so really I don't think it would surprise or move anyone,
but apparently it did. Because there are people in the streets, and those people have torches. There have to be at least a
thousand torches that the people of the city just stored away in case of invasion.
Anyhow the rebels take over the palace and the city, and then blow up the son of Gloin and his CIA butt buddy, and Han
Solo is saved. In a hillarious twist ending it's revealed that Jennifer Anniston isn't being interrogated like we first thought,
but was actually just chatting with some captive enemy soldiers for no good reason in the middle of nowhere. Even the ending
is ditzy and lame. Let's put up some numbers:
Actors who should have stuck to LOTR: 1
Number of things or characters ripped from George Lucas movies: 5
Chunkyness: Off the charts
Cover accuracy: 0
Number of accurate events or well thought out characters: 0
