Now that the box has been opened I'd like to delay my misery and imminent death. So let's take a look at the marshmellows. As best as I can gather they are, from left to right,

Old Timey Clock

Penis

Star of David

Toadstool maybe

Extasy

What any of those have to do with pirates I have no idea. It could be argued that the penis is a sword and that the extasy is a skull and crossbones, but no one is going to tell me that the toadstool has anything to do with piracy.

With the final visual test done there's nothing left to do but to start the experiment. If I don't survive know that I died the coolest death ever, wrapped in a bandana, wielding a knife, soaked in rum and choking on cereal that has Johnny Depp on the box. That's the way to go.

I think my tolerance for the pirate cereal may be helped by my decision to start off my complete breakfast with a delicious kahlua and cream. To begin the experiment I assembled all of my experimenting tools. Since most of it was alcohol that required a trip to the ABC store.

I prepared by tying on my bandana and holding my dagger in my teeth while I listened to the slow and ominous opening tracks of PotC. I expected the ominous music was a fitting precursor for the act of ultimate idiocy I was about to commit.

I poured the rum on with one hand, held the camera with the other, and held my eating utensil in my mouth. I took a few last swigs of my tastey beverage, made from the kahlua off to the side there and some cream. I knew I needed to be at least a little drunk to do something this suicidally stupid.

The first thing I noticed, and a lesson you can all use in real life, is that Captain Morgan's spiced rum is a potent anti-marshmellow weapon. Had Ray and Egon known this it might have saved the lives of countless people in Ghost Busters. The marshmellows completely disappeared, but the chocolate balls held their consistency very well in the rum.

I started shoveling the stuff into my mouth and was amazed to find that it wasn't too awful. The cocoa puffs were especially tasty, and much like cocoa puffs + milk = chocolate milk, cocoa puffs + rum = chocolate rum. It wasn't at all a bad flavor, though I did spit a bit of it out when I gulped down too much of the rum.

The stuff on my chin in the above picture isn't pirate stubble, that's chocolate rum being spit up by me. You can almost taste the misery. But I pressed on until there was nothing left in the bowl but a few cocoa puffs and the disgusting coughed up rum remnants captured below in all their splendor.

In the end I finished up my kahlua and cream and thought it would be nice to celebrate with the remaining Captain Morgan's. As the stirring closing theme to Pirates of the Caribbean reached its crescendo I found myself asking the eternal question:

"But why is the rum gone?"

In conclusion, I just want to ask the Kellogs' company to hold off on their "World War 2 Russian Army Flakes" though I guess that vodka would work better than some other things. So, yeah, go ahead with the Russia cereal, but definately hold off on Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville Crispies. I don't mind the fact that my liver is dying for your sins, but my taste buds are another story.