When I first saw Snake Logan, a new forum creature intent on, well, smacktardery, I thought he was a typical proto troll. How wrong I was. I discovered an encantation in the necronomicon which took me to his website, where I saw horrors that will haunt my dreams forever. Those who do not fear death can view it here.

I partially (And retroactively) blame Slade since he was the one who instructed the deviant to "start a website and fill it with lots of crazy" And how! All further quotes come from the aforementioned website and are the property of Snake Logan. Not that anyone would really want to claim them, mind.

Seeing as I hold Slade responsible for the madness I have seen, I tried to make him help review it despite his response of "FUCK NO"* I also enlisted Ninja Duck of Tuahan fame to aid me when my courage flagged.

*You can tell he's scared. Slade using all caps does not happen under any forseeable circumstances.

The first thing worth noticing is a review of a game called Halloween Harry. Not so much telling for its poor grammatical content as the fact that someone saw a need to purchase or play a game called Halloween Harry. It's rather asking to have its ass kicked. so it's odd that the review concludes "it’s great!" the review is also notable for this retarded pun: "Should be taken seriously. Dead seriously." which I term as pun-ishment. Dead pun-ishment.

The next feature is a rambling and pointless story told from the point of view of a lunatic, which I don't suppose is that great a literary leap. I didnt bother to read the whole thing, but two lines caught my interest. First was this paragraphh:

"They don’t understand privacy. They are a bunch of savages. I only act pleasant in front of the men in white so they do not bite my head off. I bet they are cannibals. I bet they would love my juicy meat! To hell with them! I must prepare the defences immediately."

Which has more homosexual undercurrents than an all male nude beach.

And the immortal last line, "The shall feel my wrath!" is magnificent. The shall feel your wrath indeed, Snake Logan, the shall feel your wrath indeed.

After this we arrive at an almost touching and melancholy poem full of sentimentality and regret called The Birds of Summer. It remains full of sentimentality and regret for like six lines before...

"Their sweat melody,
Reminds me of all the things,
That were not meant to be."

Sweat melody generally reminds me of the gym and oily men, but hey, to each his own.

Logan's next opus is A World so Small in which he insists

"Everyday the walls shrink ever smaller,
As my world grows ever larger,"

Generally when walls get smaller worlds follow suit, but sure, poetic license kicks the laws of time and space to the curb.

Now we come to the first story I took notice of, An Unknown Soldier. Most war stories focus on the horrors of war or on the bonds of fellowship between fighters. Not this one! It seems to be a pseudo political comment on... Something? I really don't know what, but one of the character's names sounds remarkably like the little bat in the animated version of Anistasia. Could Rasputin be involved? Maybe!

The narrator jabbers on about how sucky the war effort is and how men in his platoon have to share their guns. Perhaps a comment on gays in the army? But the oddest part is that, in a military where recruits get one hour of training and share their weapons due to scarcity of armaments, and where the narrator is ordered to attack an enemy position unarmed, his biggest complaint is that his hands are kind of sore.

It's also interesting that the author chooses to skip the actual war in this war story saying in the next part only that "Last night… it was a slaughter. We attacked as soon as it became night." this is perhaps the best opening ever  to a section of a book: "last night... we attacked as soon as it became night"

While discussing this part with ND we ran into some technical problems with AIM refusing to deliver my messages featuring material from the story. I believe AIM's content filter had just had enough and had begun to reject prose that was worse than that of the average AIM user. That's probably the worst literary criticism in my repertoire.

The story continues to ramble into incoherent pseudo social commentary by mentioning the mass conscription of homosexuals. I thought this was a bad idea since the nation would be open to attack every night when Queer As Folk was on, or during sales at Birkenstock's, but Ninja Duck was kind enough to point out that gays would be immune to gay bombs, and thus are perfect supersoldiers.

The story finally falls, or more accurately stumbles, upon the effects of the war on the protagonist's psyche: "Dear diary. Today I have decided not to talk to anyone anymore. Every time I make a friend they die that night."

Ah what a shame to lose a guy you just met on the very day you meet him: "Hi I'm Earl." "Hi I'm anonymous soldier" "Blargh I am dead" "Oh noes I will mourn and shit!"

And there is some focus on the moral consequences of battle:

"I now realise that I have not seen Lieutenant Rikrak smile once since I got here. I know why. I killed someone last night. I shot him at close range. Then I bashed his head in with my rifle butt just to be sure."

Apparently when you kill people your lieutenant will stop smiling at you.... wait... wait a fucking second... Where does it say the guy was an ENEMY? Now that I have ignored that implication and read the text for what it is the passage reads "I killed SOMEONE last night and my lieutenant stopped smiling at me"

This opens up 3 possible meanings:

1: The narrator killed a random friendly soldier for no reason and the lieutenant is less than pleased.

2: The narrator killed an enemy soldier who was lost and the Lieutenant was troubled by the scene and stopped smiling.

3: The enemy soldier was actually conducting an affair with the lieutenant and the death of his love means he will never smile again.

The story drags on for a paragraph or two more, but the last passage worth note are these chilling instructions:

"Everyone has been given one grenade and told that if you are surrounded by the enemy, you should pull the grenade."

One can easily picture the conclusion of the story: Sent on a suicide mission as punishment for random murder of allied soldiers, the narrator stands on the field of battle tugging incontinently at both sides of a grenade while the enemy consider whether to waste good hot lead on someone so obviously dangerous to his own side.

The next, and probably one of the worst attrocities on the site is a little tale in verse called The Beast and the Giant. I present it in its entirety. Those with weak hearts or weak bladder control should look away.

"Out of the sky comes the silent beast,
Blocking out the sun with it’s magnificent size,
Soon it shall be it’s demise,
Though the beast knows this and has long prepared,
This is the attack that will be dared,
Then the beast starts dropping it’s offspring,
The giant’s alarm bells,
They do ring,
But it is too late,
The beast has already attacked,
An attack that no one will ever re-enact.

That day the beast attacked the giant,
The giant destroyed the beast,
But the beast crippled the giant,
And forever blocked out the sun."

The next section of my review is titled

On The Rag Training

for reasons to be made clear soon. This is the review of the penultimate entry on the site, some further nonsense about armies. The author apparently has a penchant for numbering armies for no reason and rambling on about them as I noticed in the first war story, and which becomes painfully evident here:

"The 1st Army and 2nd Army united and destroyed the 3rd Army in 17 major battles now known as the 3rd Army Rebellion. The 3rd Army Rebellion lasted less then half a year but left hundreds of thousands of people dead. The War of National Liberation ended in 2012. The War of National Sovereignty ended in 2019. The 3rd Army Rebellion ended in 2020. I was born in 2040."

The above passage reminds me of a math problem. The kind of math problem that made you flee your math class, claw your eyes and smear feces on your walls to form patterns foreign to Euclidian geometry. I think the answer is that the third army is equal to the value of the begining of the war of national liberation plus the first army divided by Pi.

the author continues describing things that are utterly academic and uninteresting:

"For the next 10 years they are trained by a single teacher each. After reaching 20 years of the age the student now becomes a teacher and is given a student of the opposite gender to train."

So as soon as you've been in the first army for ten years it's decided that you can start teaching other people? At the age of twenty? And wouldnt it make more sense to have class sizes larger than one? And why of the opposite gender? Sadly, one of these questions is answered.

"Sexual interaction between teacher and student is encouraged when the student reaches fifteen years of age. Female teachers and students are given birth control pills every morning to avoid any pregnancy burden that might befall their training. The purpose of sexual interaction is so that the teacher and student form a stronger emotional bond so that when the teacher moves onto the third stage of training, the student becomes emotionally devastated. The purpose of emotional devastation is so that the former student fights through the emotional burden and thus becomes emotionally stronger."

Ok... so teachers are encouraged to fuck their students. Super. I dig that Police video as much as anyone but... Oh what's that you say? It's to emotionally devastate the student? Oh good idea, cuz mental breakdowns never have adverse consequences. However, let's take a look at the next passage before we consider the likelyhood of mental breakdowns:

"Every morning the teacher and student would engage in an exercise known as rag training. Both teach and student would be given a wooden sword that would be put in whichever hand they feel most comfortable with. The other hand would be tied in a rag that is also connected to the other person. They battle until one of them falls unconscious, early on in the training it would the student who becomes unconscious"

So they expect the student to have an emotional breakdown when the person who beats them unconsious with a stick everyday and rapes them leaves? Yeah that makes sense. I'd miss them too. Also, one would think that after 10 years of being beaten unconsious with a stick one would be in no condition to become a teacher, or anything besides a corpse. Also, rag training is the best term ever.

The story ends typically without much conclusion. However towards the end it is revealed that "The Emperor was the one who created the Emperor's Guard" Really? OMFG!!!111

And at last we come to the final entry. Once again the poem is presented in its entirety:

"Oh Yahtzee,
Can’t you see,
We are mad about thee,
And its not just me,
You have fans,
At least three,
You are influential,
You have great potential,
But don’t let it go to your head,
Or just like A.J,
You will wind up dead."

Yahtzee, wherever you are, watch out. I bet he would love your juicy meat.

What day is it? * Who are you? * Where am I? 
Can anybody hear me?