So one night when I was shirking all of my meager responsibilities and running around watching movies at my father's
house on the job looking for films and other materials to review, I found an infomercial for a vacuum that looked absolutely
insane. It is called the Singer Lazer Storm. The Jelly Pufflemur Lazer Squad is considering suing, as they in no way
endorse this rip off of their name.
I immediately knew this vacuum was "special" and so I went online to do a bit of research. I found two very disparate views
of this vac. The first was from the people who make it and claim it "leaves old fashioned vacuum cleaners holding the bag!" This would be a clever statement if anyone ever actually
used the phrase "holding the bag".
"Haha I really kicked that guy's ass, you might even say he's holding the bag! ZING!"
They also say that: "SINGER® Cyclonic Technology separates the dirt, forcing air to pass freely through the machine with
real pickup power." First of all I love to keep my dirt seperate for recycling purposes. I have one dustpan that I use to
sweep up filth, one that I use for crud, and one that I use for junk. I also like the idea of "forcing air to pass freely".
Let me say now that I have no intention of ever buying a vacuum (especially this one!) but I know some people aren't content
to live in squalor, so while I list the claims made on the infomercial, I'll include testimonials from real customers on this website.
It starts out with some classic footage of a woman idolly vacuuming her home when suddenly she starts having a ceisure.
Some would speculate that she's struggling with her vacuum in frustration, but I'm fairly certain they just hired some epileptic
to clean their floors and then filmed it.
Then some hyper guy comes on and claims the vacuum can move a refridgerator by sucking so hard. If this were true it would
probably be fairly dangerous. But don't take it from me and the crazy infomercial guy, let's ask J. B. Cougar
J. B. Cougar: "There is no suction, sure it'll get dust but that's it."
The infomerical next touts it's "cyclone technology" cyclone technology means that it spins the dirt around. This apparently
also means that it dosn't require any filters, as customer Bonnie314T states:
Bonnie314t: "Plus, the infomercial said it had a lifetime filter. But when I got it, I found out that you need to purchase
additional filters, which are very flimsy."
Suddenly a blonde named Debby appears. EVERY infomercial has to have a blonde named Debby, and a guy hopped up on caffeine
who will frequently say "That's right, Debby." The relationship between the two entities is unknown, but I'm fairly certain
that the aforementioned line indicates that the guy is in fact her side kick. Debby mumbles something about the lazer storm
being made by Singer, a brand you can trust. You wouldn't think this statement would need to be backed up, but let's have
a customer testimonial anyhow:
Bonnie314t: "The product is not even made by Singer. According to the customer service person I spoke with, it's by Igia."
After we're through with Debby theres more footage of an insane moron having a ceisure while holding a regular vacuum.
Or perhaps the vacuum is evil and is draining the life from her through her hands while she holds it.
Then we get back to more claims from the hosts of this helpful program. Says Debby: "It's great for a car, boat, or RV"
Wow. Thanks for telling me where I can use this vacuum. I'd never have thought of that.
Then the so far unnamed hyper guy chimes in with this creepy bit of infor-madness:
"This vacuum is so durable it will probably outlast it's owner."
Wow. I love a vacuum that can remind me of my own mortality. But don't just take it from me. Let's ask a satisfied owner.
Bonnie314t: "After the second use, it died completely."
As if this werent convincing enough we get two more scenes of the idiot being murdered by the vacuum. I think at one point
she fell down and the vacuum tried to eat her. Then we hear the male, who shall be known as coffee guy, say "I sucked that
up" as he vacuums stuff. Then he connects some kind of suction cup from the vacuum to a fridge on wheels on a flat floor and
pulls it a few feet. I'm impressed.
Then I was treated to two more scenes of the vacuum torturing this poor woman. I'm now starting to think she's some kind
of spy for the Iraqis and the US interrogators are using their secret weapon.
"Tell us where the rebel base is princess, or we send in the interrogation vacuum and then blow up Alderaan."
Then the guy chimes in to tell us that it's perfect for an appartment, boat, rv, or workshop. Hey I can do the same thing
with my product, Lazer Soap: Lazer soap is great for your knee, forearm, face, or hands! WOW! And here's another fun fact,
if you think Lazer Storm is a cool name for anything besides an operation by my Christian Baiting friends, you're probably
a fourth grader.
They then point out that their vacuum does not cost 500, 400, or even 100 dollars but is yours for just four payments of
39.95. Frankly I'd rather only pay 100 dollars, but let's take some pricing advice from the customers:
Vasma: "I am out the $59.85/18.50 S&H for something I could have bought at Walmart in the toy section for $10. Really
really disapointed in this worthless vacuum."
But all of the nonsense the customers are spewing can't compare to real testing as we find near the end of the infomercial
where Debby says: "We tested Lazer Storm against the competition and we awarded it an A+ every time." Yeah, that's really
great. Why didn't you get your family to test it so you'd at least have a shred of legitimacy left.
"We had our mom try the lazer storm and she gave us a gold star for effort. In response we tested her against other mothers
and awarded her the mom of the year award."
All the news about the lazer storm wasn't bad though. I found this sole positive customer review:
Ben1011: "I REALLY LIKE THE SINGER LAZER VAC!!!!"
This not only bolsters my previously sagging confidence in Singer Igia, but it also seems to reveal the name of
the guy in the infomercial, since both he and Ben yell a lot and have the same zeal for this vacuum. I'm surprised they didn't
have Debby pose as a customer as well and then have him come after her and say "That's right Debby!"
I'm J. M. Hoffman and this has been a Jelly Pufflemur review.
Slade: "That's right, Debby!"
Continue to episode 2... ermmm 5, The Vacuum Strikes Back
