Annonymous: I sure hope the vacuum I ordered gets here. It's been months.

Me: Really?

Annonymous: Yeah I saw it on TV and ordered it, can't remember the na...

Me: It wouldn't be the Singer Lazer Storm would it?

-Lightening crashes at the mention of the name-

Annonymous: That's the one! How'd you know?

Me: Well, you see... I saw the infomercial... looked like bullshit... researched... total scam... customer complaints... better business bureau...

Annonymous: Aaaaw fuck!

Me: Yeah you might want to stop payment on that check...

After they scammed my friend I knew it was going to get personal. If you've seen the movie Walking Tall starring The Rock, you'd know basicly what I planned to do. In the movie, The Rock gets pissed at some people (Possibly for scamming his friend with a poorly written infomercial about vacuums that don't work) and then he procedes to brutally murder everyone in sight with a two by four, except for a pair of boobies love interest.

My plan is something similiar, yet completely different. Rather than hitting them with two by fours, I wrote another article about them and sent them a silly email. Were the roles replaced not only would I be a complete moron with a two by four, but Walking Tall wouldn't be nearly as funny as it was before I became the star considering how hillarious the original version is.

The Rock not withstanding, I decided to send them an email, because just being not as funny as Walking Tall dosnt always get the attention of con artists.

"Dear Singer Lazer Storm makers,

I represent a group on the internet that writes letters to crazy arsed Christian websites. The problem is our title is "The Lazer Squad." We have had this title for a long time now. The problem is that I don't want our popularity to contribute to the sales of a vacuum. I am morally opposed to vacuums, even those that weigh only eight pounds and force air to pass freely.

Vacuums are noisy and tiresome and a broom could get their job done just as easily. By contrast, the Lazer Squad I represent are masters of the silent but deadly arts of nijitsu. A broom could not act as a fitting subsitute for any of us. This is why we are better than your vacuum.

The point of this is that your product is capitalizing off of our notoriety, and this must be stopped. When I created the lazer squad as an elite unit that rose out of the ashes of this post september eleventh world, I did not envision them as a group that would sell vacuums. I envisioned them as a group that would make fun of Christians who harass gays or abortion doctors. Your vacuum cleaners have never been used in any of our actions. They have no right to associate themselves with us.

I ask that you kindly put up a disclaimer on your site stating that the Singer Lazer Storm has nothing to do and is not endorsed by the Christian Baiting Lazer Squad. Unless you want to send us all a free product for evaluation purposes. I like free products as much as I like the silent but deadly arts of Ninjitsu.

Eternally yours, J. M. Hoffman"

I knew that it would take more than a single email to turn the makers of the Lazer Storm back to the side of good and save their immortal souls. I had to get together some help if I was going to take these guys down, and that's just what I did...

See what happens when the dream team of me, The Rock, and Dorothy go up against these demonic carpet cleaning creatures in the conclusion of this epic trilogy.