Well, with the part of the article about terrorists finished I had to move on, though I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. Crazy arsed Christians are a daunting foe, so I decided to go with the evil I hadn't tried yet.

Being a D&D and online role play enthusiast I occasionally come to chat rooms where role play of a different sort is occuring. For instance, when I typed "online role play" I didn't only find sites about "online role play, wizards and warriors" I'd find sites about "online role play, people who like to dress up as cats and fuck". Naturally I did not go to these places in hopes of slaying some orcs.

However, my status as an expert on fetish chat rooms, gained by occasionally stumbling upon them as detailed above, has allowed me the knowledge to give some helpful hints for visiting such places, as detailed below.

Helpful hint #1: Make up a cool name! For instance, when I visited the chatters list on chatropolis.com (a family friendly chat site for the whole family!) I discovered several different classes of names. First off there are the clever names that sound like they've been taken from porno titles (and probably have been):

Laurence of Her Labia,

Hotmale@Hotmale.com

Driving into Miss Daisy

Ramboner

Less Is Whore (I suspect Chyld of using this one even though I just made it up and didnt ever see it)

Then there are the people who's names describe what they're into, none of which I'd comment on even if I was using Slade's keyboard to do it.

And of course there are guys who feel the need to gloat about the size of their alleged penises.

Supplemental tip: If you go into such a place, don't mention in your name that you're horny or randy or whatever word you use for it. You are in a friggin fetish chat room, it's quite obvious you havn't had sex since the days when people could just carry other people off and ravage them. (Though I'm sure there are still chat rooms for that sort of thing somewhere out there)

Which brings us to...

Helpful hint #2: Know which pervert place you're headed to. You don't want to be a straight male entering the gay ravaging chat room. Try to be choosie. For instance, if you're a married person looking for another married person to fuck, there's a chat room for you. But if you're a married person looking for a black married person to fuck, you'd have to go to the black fetish chat room. The intricacies of such things I do not wish to further explore. I'm pretty sure that the chat rooms on other sites are more specific until it gets ridiculous, IE: "Marries people between the ages of 30 and 33 who love to have sex with depression era glass vases while being watched by an illegal and Mexican migrant tomato picker." Finally, and most importantly:

Helpful hint #3: don't go into weird chat rooms and ask if you can interview perverts for an article you're writing. People will not talk to you. Although I did find one very helpful gentleman who offered to show me worlds I could not even comprehend. I asked him where this knowledge was, and when he said it was in his pants I felt it would be best to flee.

So, interview fetish chatters I did not, but I still know more about this stuff than anyone ever should. I'm sure I'm on god's smiting list now, or on Santa's naughty list. I think the latter is worse. Santa may not like this sort of thing, but I don't think it's cool for a guy who plays with toys all year and hangs out with midgets and constantly has a kid on his lap to be making my ethical decisions for me. Although I do like it when he brings me presents.

What moral decision have I made? Well, I really have no ethical qualms with the two entities I've studied so far(except Santa as I mentioned, but as long as the presents keep coming I'll keep quiet). The terrorists, in essence, are just sharing recipes and gossiping. Only in their case the recipes are for C4 and the gossip is about which one of them killed infidels most recently. And yeah, fetishists are weird, but they're just doing what they like to do, and as long as what they like to do dosn't involve Fatcat I'm going to say they can keep it in the bed room, or the barn, or on the toilet, or suspended from the ceiling from so many wires while soaked in canola oil and putting a half a bottle of conditioner into... Yeah, you get the idea. Free love and whatnot.

But there is one group on the web more terrible than all of the above two. Not only do they practise weird fucking rituals. Not only do they have their own specific idea of sex, not only do they have their own private parties, but they try to force these ideas on others. Sure, a terrorist hamster may have seared my foot when it detonated the firecrackers it was strapped with, never showed up at my door to hawk a pamphlet called "The Joys of Martyrdom". I can respect conviction, but bothering people about it aint cool. And yeah, a guy in Seattle may have died during coiutus with a horse, but he wasn't out the day before asking people on the street to find salvation through a horse's anus. No. These guys keep their fucking weirdness to themselves. So why can't the crazy arsed Christians in the next article?

Onward, to part three!