Well then, part three. For this part I knew I needed something fresh. And even if I didnt I'm still too wounded to visit www.jesus-is-lord.com again. It's been months since my articles on them and I still feel like JESUS CHRIST IS MY LORD AND SAVIOR AYYYMEN! I figured one more romp into that place and the site would have me brainwashed and trying to kill the pope for comitting "Romish Popery" whatever that is. And then I'd probably commit "Romish Popery" on his corpse until they took me away to wherever they take people brainwashed by insane anti-everyone Christian sites. I think it's called Arkansas.

So instead, I visited the rational folks at http://www.christianexodus.org/ They're a lot like the Pilgrims in the story of the "Wing Commander" games and film. Except instead of starting a totally rad war in space and flying all over the universe, they're trying to take over South Carolina, secede from the union, and form their own Christian nation. Hey, guys, I'm sorry, but I can't really get behind you unless your plan involves a totally rad war in space.

Now, I'm not trying to be insulting here, but this site addresses an almost global audience, except for China and Saint Floppydisk's school, as they ban us. We all know that there are certain people in the world who know more about American history than others. For those disadvantaged souls I want to try to give a quick little lesson without being too condescending. I mean we all know who's going to learn more about American history when you compare it: An American student who goes through an accredited American high school, or some foreigner who takes a quick course about the country that currently rules the world. We all know who's going to know more about the country I live in.

A very important Jelly Pufflemur message for American high school students:

Hey, there, you football playing twit. What do you think of being lectured on things you don't understand and then getting a good grade so you can continue to manhandle the people wearing different colored jerseys? Yeah that's great, get used to it, cuz the lectures are only going to get more difficult to understand as the people in the different colored jerseys get bigger. Anyhow, while you were in the bathroom smoking crack, your teacher was probably reading to the class from a picture book about South Carolina's history. Don't worry it's best that you weren't there anyhow, you'd just be stumbling over the big words and trying to remember whether South Carolina is part of the US or one of them terrorist countries.

Anyhow, South Carolina is a state, they're down there somewhere where it's hot and some ignorant people hate black folks and queers. Yeah that's pretty much all of the US at the moment, but bare with me. South Carolina has seceded from the union twice, once a few years before the civil war over tarriff disputes, and then again as the state that began the civil war. That makes them the state that likes to secede the most. If they had to list their hobbies secession would be at the top. As opposed to, say, New York, who's hobbies would probably include "Smelling like urine" So it kind of makes sense that this group would target South Carolina, as opposed to Idaho, who's state hobby is potatoes. Not doing anything with them, just potatoes. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

That done, let's take a look at the CE message boards. There's so much wonderful Christian speak here it's not even funny. The forum on "Christian Practices" Describes how Christians should live. There are 71 posts in it at the time of this article. The forum called "Defending the Family" Describes how gays eat families for fun, and must be stopped. I think the idea is that gays don't actually have families, but spring out of homobutts, and then develop a voracious urge to eat the family they never had. This may be similiar to the eat attacks documented by Miguel of www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com Regardless of how it happens, there are 439 posts in this forum.

Above: An artists rendering of some gays. "Families!" They moan. "Must eat families!... and homobutts"

According to my calculations, that means that Christians are about five times more interested in telling me where not to put my penis than they are in knowing what the hell they're supposed to be doing (aside from the 11th commandment, "Thou Shalt Take Over South Carolina". Well, thanks guys. I've learned that god hates queers. I guess I'll tell my cousin to stop being gay before she eats my family. Unfortunately I could have learned this from any other crazy arsed Christian site, so let's see what else you've got.

The site, for the most part, is actually pretty nice. I mean the discussion has a good tone about state's rights and individual liberties (for Christians anyways) As for everyone else, I don't really think South Carolina would be very good for, say, ANYONE BUT THESE GUYS if it became a Christian nation. Why? Well once again, the answer is in that picture book that an American high school teacher is reading from. Christians ruled all of Europe for a long time and we got the crusades and the dark ages and witch burnings. Then people got tired of it and started to allow gay marriage, drug use, and all the other things they do in Europe that are probably subject to part 2 of this article.

But the Christians weren't happy. So they came over to the U.S. and took over New England from the heathen injuns. Well, after a few witch hangings and a whole lot of superstition, they decided that maybe secularism was a better idea than, ya know, HANGING EVERYONE! So now New England is full of intelligent liberals, and all the Christians are going to go to South Carolina? But who will they hang this time? I have a theory...

Above: "Take that, ye olde Matthew Sheppard! Maybe next time ye'll think twice before ye put your ye olde wange in the winged black man!" Says the king of South Carolina.

I'm not saying that the people at Christian Exodus intend to hang gay people, or anyone for that matter. But the simple fact of it is they're probably not going to be the ones that have the choice. If they ever did actually secede and form a Christian state I doubt it would be their leader, Cory, who came to power, even if it's Cory Haim. COOOREEEEY!

However, when these guys seem to support a current South Carolina law that makes "Buggery" illegal, imagine how much further they'd probably want to take it. Unfortunately, in the anti-fag-farm, these guys are probably just Boxer, and as soon as they overthrow the current rulers they'll be sent off to be made into glue so that the real rulers can take over. Of course, that's probably not what John Adams imagined when he said this quote I found on their site, but John Adams didn't read Orwell, just like most people on CE.

"Suppose a nation in some distant region, should take the Bible for their only law book, and every member should regulate his conduct by the precepts there exhibited. What a Eutopia, What a Paradise would this region be!"

I'm pretty sure that Sime, Jelly Pufflemur's cheif time travel consultant, can get me back in time far enough to have a quick chat with either one of the John Adamses, really I don't care which, though John Quincy Adams was kind of an ass. Alright it's been settled, I'm going back in time to talk to John Adams, but I have to visit Samuel Adams as well to get a six pack for Sime. Here's what happened:

Anyhow, having stopped the takeover by Christiannet and impregnated Goode Wife Sarah Connor, I got Sime's beer and went home with the knowledge of internet debauchery that can only be gained by talking to the second president of the US.

So what exactly did I learn from John Adams? Well, I learned that all of these sick people are actually just guys and girls trying to make it in the world. I learned that even the craziest of Christians or the most self-exploding of terrorists, or the guy suspended by wires from the cieling covered in Canola oil, are just doing what they feel they have to do and trying to better the world in some odd way. Whether it's people who think that they need to blow up the US embassy to save the world, or people who think they need to blow up an abortion clinic, or people who think they need to shove a small rodent up their ass, they're just people like you and me.

And yeah, they may be scary at times, but there's some of them that are crazy, and there's some of them that are just misled, and there's some that are actually decent folks, and if we all got together and talked, and took the hamsters out of our asses and the C4 from under our shirts, we might all be able to get along. I guess the most important thing that I learned from John Adams was that the man in Chatropolis was lying. The gateway to worlds I can't even comprehend is in John Adams pants, not his. Although some Christian guy who was hanging around did yell at me and say that Santa would smite me if I let John Adams touch me one more time, I think it was a generally educational experience.

By the way, for extra depravity I wrote about 3/4ths of this article naked.