So I signed on to the internet after being disconnected like any other time, but what I found this time shocked me. As
of 4 AM eastern time on July 12, my website, my views, my writings, those of Slade and Sime, are banned from all internet
servers in the People's Republic of China.
I really don't understand why I keep getting banned from places all the time;
A few websites? Hey, I can live. My high school? Fine. The state of Illinois? No big deal. All meetings of the KKK? That
was the worst D&D campaign I have EVER had because everyone else seemed to be dressed like Paladins as well and I had
hoped my all white costume would be something special. I think they'd have killed me if I hadn't picked up that nifty wooden
cross of fire+1 and slain the grand dragon for his horde. And let me tell you something, the grand dragon of the KKK campaign
has the shittiest horde I have ever seen, I've gotten more GP from orcs! But I digress. When my site is forbidden to the world's
most populous country that kind of makes me feel like I'm being excluded.
Above: The worst dragon ever. The only creatures it ever slew were a few cans of beer and some pork rhinds. And
what the hell is my epic level wizard going to do with a dragon's hord of refrigerator magnets?
Despite my unjust exclusion I felt pretty good. Here's the gist of a conversation I had with forum-friend Jane Sherwood
that night:
Me: I got banned from the largest country in the world this morning, what have you done today?
Jane: I just woke up.
Me: You'll never achieve anything with that attitude! You've got to start training now. You
can start by getting banned from Abu Dhavi(the capital of the United Arab Emirates, by the way)
So yeah, I was on quite a high, but still rather confused. What did China have against me? It couldn't be my political
views. I'm a goddamned card carrying communist. I lean more towards Leninist than Maoist ideology, but still! It can't be
my cutting edge articles, because I write about Women sassing Jerry Bruckheimer.
So what have I done wrong, China? Do my instructions for making mashed potato and pea sandwhiches count as forbidden technology? I can very easily see that.
Hu Jintao: We have a new problem here in China.
Minister of bumfuck: You mean those fellows who chant and meditate?
Hu Jintao: No, I think that issue has been addressed. No longer will they cause disturbances by peacefully chanting and
meditating.
Minister of swahili affairs: Than what can it be? Who dares defy the People's Republic of China?
Hu Jintao: It is... Jarret. He's been covertly instructing our people on how to make potatoe pea sandwhiches which could
be hurled at me.
Minister of labial adhesive: Good god!
Hu Jintao: Someone get the minister of Jelly Pufflemur and have him sent to the snake pit. The rest of you, ban that website!!!!!
I went to a Chinese government website, only to learn that Li Zhaoxing apparently enjoys ping pong and reading. This did
not help me get my site allowed in China. I did however find some links to sites about (but not for) the different Chinese
embassies. I realized that I was fucking with a powerful country when I read the names of some of their embassies:
Australia
Canada
Cook Islands
Fiji
Kiribati
Micronesia
Nauru
New Zealand
Papua New Guinea
Samoa
Tonga
United States of America
Vanuatu
Looking at the list of their embassies I realized I wasn't dealing with Leosotho or Kyrgyzstan here. I had drawn down the
wrath of one of the world's superpowers. Countries like China don't have embassies in Vanuatu because they NEED to. Tonga
could declare jyhad on China tomorrow and noone in Beijing would blink. No, China hangs out with countries like Nauru for
one reason: Because those countries are China's bitch. China is a country that has bitches, and I am a guy who writes reviews of bad novels and makes fun of some British guy I hate.
Above: China continues to show why they're better than me - because they open embassies with countries who's capital
cities appear to be stockpiles of phosphate.
Thinking about it like that it suddenly didn't seem so funny that China had a problem with me. And so I decided to send
out a message: "Yo yo, I aint got no beef wit you" Only I'd have to do it more diplomaticly. To do so I consulted Jelly Pufflemur's
chief diplomatic officer, Sime Sublime. My first move was to declare him our official ambassador to China since, living in
some other part of the world, he's likely closer to them than me and Slade. As his location gave him a greater understanding
of Chinese culture I asked him for his opinion. He put forth the theory that our site being banned in China was "Awesome"
and I concurred. A consensus had been reached in the diplomatic community, and now was the time for action.
Above: This map shows that Slade and I live in the good old US of A, while Sime lives somewhere between something else
and here be dragons. You can clearly see that this puts him closer to the commies, who must be destroyed. You can also see
how well our country's education system works.
I decided to search for the chinese embassy to America, where I would angrily demand of the ambassador that my pointless
and not even very funny website be made viewable to the billion or so people in his country. However I ran into a hitch. It
seems that all the staff at the Chinese embassy had planned for this and hidden their email addresses. Either that or they
just don't believe in email. I could email the webmaster but that's like sending a college application to the guy who cleans
the dorms.
But I had to persevere. My friend was waiting to read about me making stupid recipes, or see a picture of the time I stacked
a ladder atop a cooler. I couldn't let her down. I finally decided I'd email the webmaster and ask for directions when I discovered
yet another link, this time to the economic and communications ministry. I was one step closer to my goal. I found some sort
of bizarre guestbook comment system that people seem to use to try to get in touch with the embassy. I left my message there
and found some other interesting ones, such as this:
"got a note from:
Mr. Zhang Wenkang
44 Houhaibeiyan, Xicheng Qu,
Beijing China.
He said he was "I am Zhang
Wenkang an Executive Director Projects, of the MINISTRY OF HEALTH CHINA."
He said "We want a reliable person, who could assist us in receiving funds resulted from over invoiced bills from contracts
awarded under the budget allocation for MINISTRY OF HEALTH.These bills had been approved for payment by the concernd ministry.The
contracts had been
executed,commissioned and the contractors had been paid their actual contractual sums.What we are about
to receive now is a kick back from the contractors and Under the protocol division as civil servants, we are forbiden to operate
or own foreign accounts,this is why am soliciting your assistance in this manner."
Is this for real or a fraud that needs
investigation and prosecution?
Larry Swinford, 6363 West Cottonwood Road, Springfield, MO 65802, larryswinford@yahoo.com
"
First of all, EHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHE... HEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE... HEHE... Ok,
that said, if, by some dark myracle, there actually is such a person as Zhang Wenkang at the MINISTRY OF HEALTH CHINA I'm
going to go out on a limb and say that he is no longer at the ministry of health, but that he is now employed in the ministry
of shallow graves.
Despite what Zhang Wenkang of the ministry of shallow graves might think, I think that Mao Tse Tung and his adorable dimple
(above) would like my site. In fact I'm going to say that if he were still alive Jelly Pufflemur would certainly be endorsed
by Mao Tse Tung.
Aside from that I also sent communiques to two entities/individuals. I'm
currently waiting for replies from both. Interestingly enough I've also sent email to the PLO asking if I can donate a picture
of His Excellency The President of Palestine to them. So, I'm going to assume that Jelly Pufflemur and it's subsidiaries have
probably communicated with more world governments between the hours of 4 and 5 AM ET than the US embassy. That, along with
China considering us a threat, means that we are now well on the way to becoming a major world power.
Soon, when President Bush calls Vladdimir Putin asking for advice about which
side of a dildo goes in the hole, Vladdimir is going to say "Hold on Georgeski, I've got J. M. Hoffman and his ambassador
here. Actually, can I call you back?" When someone wants to randomly blow up a nation because the people there are the wrong
color, they're going to ask ME to join their coalition and have to offer kickbacks to Sime just to get invited to the embassy(which
I think will be in Sime's closet) In this world of the future I'll simply be able to point at someone, snap my fingers, and
they will fucking die. The lure of power has taken me, tremble in fear, mortals!
Akhem, sorry about that. What I meant to say was that I'm anxiously waiting
to find out if, as I said to the Chinese ambassador, "the people of China will no longer be deprived of my very important
views and writings" I'll keep you up to date. And if not it's because I'm in negotiations with Nauru and Fiji about the
taxation of trade routes that have caused them to blockade Naboo.
