All great journeys begin with a single step. This one began with me flopping down into an elven easy chair. It wasn't terribly
much more comfortable than a regular chair but it was elven and if something is elven it means two things. One, that it is
supposed to be way better than anything else, and two, that it's expensive.
I could afford it due to my sweet job. My father caught the king having sex with my mother so he hunted him down and mercilessly
murdered him over a long period of time (the sages are still debating exactly how long he took). It took that long because
the king had a whole lot of hit points. Anyhow the queen of Illythia, the town I live in, knighted my father and as a reward
for his horrific torture of her husband she declared him to be the town's adventurer.
My mother eventually came home and my father forgave her after the first night she spent there, though he still brought
it up every once in a while when he was feeling a might bit peckish. Either that or he'd just carry her off and ravage her.
There was an awful lot of ravaging going on around the time I was born and as I understand it I'm the product of a ravaging
myself. Everyone seems to be a good sport about it and all, though.
It's practically understood that a fellow's wife will likely be ravaged at any given moment. That's what really bugged
my dad - if the king had just behaved like a decent lord and came in and ravaged my mother there would have been absolutely
no hard feelings since everyone's pretty used to it. But instead they had to consensually cheat on him. What the devil can
the world be coming to?
Anyhow, my father became the town adventurer because of that and a fine adventurer he was. He died a while back after getting
ravaged by a female adventurer from Muthos. Come to think of it, maybe he wasn't that great of an adventurer after all. Or
at least not good enough to avoid getting beaten up by a wench.
So that's how the title came to me. It was a lot of fun. I'd get drunk and then challenge random people to duels. I'd accuse
small animals of attacking me and slay them, and of course I got everything I wanted for free, being as adventurers don't
have to pay for anything.
That's how I got the elven chair I was sitting in when the fabled wizard Phil appeared. Though he wasn't exactly fabled
and he didn't so much appear as he just walked in. He yelled "BANG" rather loudly though, so it seemed as though he'd appeared
with a thunderclap or something. Actually, I'd never even heard of the wizard Phil until he introduced himself, which he did
immediately upon arrival.
"Greetings! It is I!" He called out in a loud voice, raising bushy eyebrows that hung down nearly to his white beard, which
had a chicken wing stuck in it. His robes were brown and his hat was grey and conical and probably fell off in a strong wind.
Regardless, he was a tall and impressive man.
"Heya!" I said in a friendly manner. I didn't at all inquire about what he was doing in my house. It is perfectly typical
for adventurers to walk into people's houses without a word and just snatch whatever they please. Generally it's considered
good luck if all they do is smash your clay pots, steal any healing items that you had, and then leave without ravaging you.
And an adventurer he was, for shortly after his entrance a motley crew of other wandering warriors appeared and seated
themselves. The wizard addressed us all as I poured tea for everyone.
"Friends, elves, dwarves!"
A gentleman with a flail in his hand interrupted. "There aren't any elves or dwarves here."
Another voice came from a young man who looked like you could cleave him in two with a rusted butter knife. "I'm part elven."
A short and stocky fellow yelled back. "No you're not, Gilliam, you just say that because you find pointy ears sexually
attractive."
At this point, the wizard was fed up and tapped his stick loudly against the floor for attention.
"As I was saying! Friends, you are in the house of Glamis, a mighty swordsman who shall aid our cause!" They all nodded
to me curiously as they drank my tea and shattered the cups on the ground afterwards to check for useful items. The wizard
continued amid the massacre of my china-ware.
"Glamis, you already know my name."
"No I don't. You -"
He cut me off, as was his habit. "Do not presume to know the ways of wizards! Perhaps you know it and you just don't realize
that you know it! Now, as for my companions! This!" He gestured to a surly and dark looking fellow at his side. "This is Surly
Wanderer! He's surly! He's a wanderer! Any questions?! Good!"
Surly Wanderer, or S.W. as we would come to call him, merely nodded to me and cursed at me in some long forgotten tongue.
"Greetings, newb," he called out in his obscure language.
The mage continued unabated and pointed to a similarly grumpy looking human who wore tattered royal robes and had an air
of fallen grace about him as if he'd been tossed down from a lofty throne.
"This is Zorbilliam, former king of Carmalon who has fallen from grace and been tossed down from a lofty throne!"
Zorbilliam nodded angrily. "And when I get my hands on that Robear who deposed me, I'll hang him every day for a month!"
I found this a trifle vindictive but never the less the introductions continued. The great sage turned and pointed to an
odd looking fellow clothed in a tee shirt and jeans whose name was revealed to be Randylyl.
"This, my friend, is Randylyl the Mad, who would just as soon eat your toe jam as look at you!"
Randylyl gave a shrug and greeted me. "Hello there. Don't believe what he says. I'm the only one in this party with any
sense at all."
The spell weaver continued on, ignoring the words of this crazy man and gesturing to two others at the table. "These are
the two party members who will certainly die."
I was about to wave to them when a ceiling beam fell and crushed one of their heads with a resounding splat. The introductions
paused for us all to hop up and loot his corpse. Randylyl simply stared on in horror.
"Have you people no respect for the dead? Why are you just leaving his nude corpse lying in your dining room? Shouldn't
the building safety inspector be notified of this and shouldn't we try to -"
The wizard crashed his staff over Randylyl's head and shoulders repeatedly. "Silence yourself! We'll have none of your
malcontent and madness entering upon our counsel!"
Randylyl slumped down into his seat and his attacker completed the introductions by pointing to two odd looking people
who were just sitting down, one of them carrying the slain would-be adventurer's undergarments. The first one was tall and
incredibly well built and wore only a loin cloth and an odd head dress and had a bone through his nose. His ears also had
an odd string connected to piercings at the tops that pulled them upwards to give them a pointy appearance.
"This is Farzwallen the barbarian. However, we need an elf and I've decided he shall be the one. To do so I changed his
name to Pinecone, which sounds more elven."
Pinecone called out in a loud and gruff voice. "Me no like Pinecone! Me kill with sword!"
The wizard raised a brow at this and tossed Pinecone's enchanted claymore aside, replacing it with a longbow and a quiver
of arrows. "Elves do not smash with claymores. They use bows and so shall you, Pinecone!"
Pinecone sat down rather defeated and I grinned as I snatched up the magical sword, my own sword having lost its tip when
I repeatedly rammed it into a wench's pussy. She was rather sore about her cat but what else could I do? It had been attacking
my shoelaces.
Having now only one person left to introduce, the enchanter turned to a short, stout fellow, the one with the stubbly beard,
and said, "And this is Crotch, son of Roids."
The dwarf looked to me miserably. "This dwarf bit is horrible. I was told that to come on this adventure I had to stop
shaving. I don't so much mind that as that I always have to drink ale and I really can't hold my liquor too well."
The wizard glowered at him. "Hold your tongue, son of Roids! What would your father say about that? And your mother, Zoot.
What would old Zoot think? Exactly!"
The introductions having been made, the wizard now set about telling us what his plans were.
Click here to continue to Chapter 2
