Recently while I was searching the web I discovered one of the most interesting and insane sites devoted to crazy arsed Christians out there. But this one was hard to figure out, so I sent in Saint Floppydisk of the Jelly Pufflemur Christian Baiting Lazer Squad to help investigate. Now, a word about this site.

The premise of www.heaventour.org isn't really too looney. It purports to be a tour of the life you'll lead if you're a good boy or girl. When I'm using illicit drugs I always try to hallucinate cool things, but not these guys. On their poorly designed and poorly written site they seem to be describing an acid trip they once had when they say:

"the gold in heaven is so pure you can see right through it, kind of like water, actually a little more like crystal, but way more awesome than that... you'll just have to come and see it for yourself!"

Then they go on to tell us all about heaven: You can look down at souls in eternal torment, you can hang out with aborted fetuses, or you can worship god twenty four seven for eternity. Sounds fun to you? Then thanks for reading this article, lamest man on earth. I noticed with the abortion thing that they had filled one of the requirements for being declared crazy arsed Christians by making a jab at womens right to choose, so there was only one more to go before we could officially pick on them.

I found it at the end of the tour. It lets you choose where you go when you die. I chose the door with the word "homosexuality" at the top. Turns out it was the wrong door. The other door had love at the top, which I don't quite understand, since from what I've seen a lot of homosexuals love eachother. So, while I was damned to the fires of eternal poking with sticks and stuff, I sent in Floppydisk to find out what these guys are about, a transcript follows. - J. M. Hoffman

Hello! My name is Saint Floppydisk, and I represent a group of people on the internet named The Jelly PuffLemur Super Internet Christian Baiting Squad!®™. Our purpose in life is to serve the Gods of the Internet (The one true gods).

We have been informed by our Gods that your site is causing a great disturbance in the NetForce. Even though we're Internet Masters and all, we still had trouble detecting your huge ripples in the NetForce, (stop sniggering. I said ripples.) so we had to find your site the old fashioned way! Getting our slave- I mean, through lots and lots of hard work!

Our request is simple; put something on your page to make it have less suck, and more rock. A picture of Tyler Durdan would work, or mayby just a picture of a boob. Putting MP3s up for free is also an excellent way of getting your site to suck less.

If you refuse to follow our request, your site will SURELY be STRUCK down by the GODS!

As long as I'm here, I would like to point out some things that I noticed while digging through your site, and I'd like to share them with you now.

On your first page, you said this:
"The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."
- Heaven's Founder and CEO, Jesus

Honestly, that's a pretty solid plan, but wouldn't it just be more effective to drive out there with a pickup truck and cart that shit away? I mean, if he had enough stuff to buy the field, he could at least rent a pickup truck. Oh, and if Jesus is the CEO of Heaven, I'd rather go to hell, cause that means that Christianity is a product of the soul-stealing gimoungous corporations.

On your second page, you said this:
"The walls are solid jasper and are 200 feet thick all the way around heaven."

Now, I'm no mechanichal engineer, but I can tell you that having your walls 200 feet long makes them no stronger (or at least, not enough to matter) than if they were 100 or 50 feet long.

On your third page, you said this:lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll <-- Sorry about that, there was a piece of a chip under my "l" button, and I tried to crush it. Anyway, you said this:

"This solid gold bar, worth thousands of dollars, is a rather low quality example of the bricks used to pave the roads in the Kingdom of God. "

Again, I'm no engineer, but I know pure gold is soft, and soft stuff don't make for good roads.

One more thing: I enjoy the literacy rate of the people at your forums:
"Hi all and God bless you have a very nice day with kesus our lord."

And don't you think that being good in this life just so you can get rewarded in the next life an extremely hollow reason for being good? I mean, really. Good Christians usually do good stuff because they think it's the right thing to do, but you? You've sold out, man!

Remember, you can get some of your cool back if you make your site more awesome.

Saint Floppydisk, out.

Soon the crazy arsed Christian replied with a vengeance, damning saint Floppydisk to hell with his mystical powers:

You're weird, and you will surely go to hell for your blasphemous remarks Saint Floppydisk.

In the mean time tho, I'm honored to have been selected by The Jelly
Pufflemur Christian Baiting Lazer Squad. I've never been honored in such
stupendous way as to have my website declared to have caused "a great
disturbance in the netforce". You have surely brought a smile to my
otherwise uptight Christian face on this otherwise typical Tuesday afternoon
in small town USA.

In fact, because of your generosity I'm considering some of your requests to
spice up my site with some free gifts and maybe some more hip MIDI files.
To get me started tho I'm going to send this link to you that you can post
to your JPCBLS forum: Donate to Heaven Tour.org

Anyhow, good bye and may God save you from the err of your ways,

- Greg B
Heaventour.org

Hey, glad to see that one heathen's blasphemy can brighten someone's day! So, are you even now planning an inquisition to cleanse the world of my blasphemous soul? Cause that would be totally awesome, except for the whole inquisition part. Tell you what, how about you make it a musical inquisition, like Mel Brooks did. You can have singing nuns and the flaming manora and the whole works! It'll be great!

Other than that, I've got a perfect solution to your problem. Find an old copy of Ultimate Doom and make it available for free download on your website! It's violent, it's fun, and it doesn't take up much space, seeing as it's old. I'm sure that everyone would be better off if you'd take my advice.

Saint Floppydisk, signing off

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