The "Answer"

(J.M.'s edit: Hey, Christian guys, if luring young people into your cult with candy is your best strategy, you've got to think things through. Hell, I could offer the impressionable public reeses cups to read a pamphlet about homobutt humping and I'd be more popular than you. Take my advice here. Offer me a steak dinner, or at the very least some skittles. Then we can talk about Jesus. Til then, I'm sorry, but the food's better on this side of the moral divide.)

After asking if I could take some mints, the guy there said "How would you like.... The Answer?". Not knowing what I was in for, I took it and hurried off to enjoy the delicousness of the pepperminty goodness.

I went into the flea market's bathroom to mock the pamphlet in peace. I dropped trou and pulled it out of my pocket.

Panel 1: "The Answer"

floppydisk: Well, I might get something useful out of this. Like toilet paper, or maybe a humor update...

Panel 2: "Whatever Your Struggle... Loneliness, Guilt, Sex, Suicide, Stress, Life After Death,"

floppydisk: Wait, Sex is a struggle? The only way I can think of sex being a struggle is if you're struggling to get it or if you accidentally cut off your penis while trying to have sex with a blender, in which case you already had trouble getting sex.

I also wasn't aware that Life After Death is a struggle, and I don't think Jesus is going to pay your bills that are causing your stress.

Panel 3: "Purpose in Life, AIDS, abortion, drugs... There is an Answer!"

floppydisk: Once again, Jesus isn't going to cure your AIDS. Don't fall into thier evil logic! And they're just pandering to everyone who doesn't like abortions. These are the kinds of people who would support these nutters.

Panel 4: "[1] God loves you and has a great plan for your Life!
He created you for a purpose: to have a personal relationship with Him. Wanker 1:27

He wants you to experience a full and abundant life - right here on earth.

(J. M.'s note: I've heard from a lot of crazy Christians, and from what I understand the first thing on God's hate list is people living full and abundant lives if those lives involve anything remotely fun, individualist or interesting)

Jesus said: "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness" Bollocks 10:10b"

floppydisk: I still don't understand how you're supposed to have a "personal relationship" with a guy who you never met and who never answers your prayers/phone calls. Sounds to me like God is an asshole who puts people on Earth just so they can kiss his ass. Plus, how is Jesus supposed to give you purpose in life? Just because you love him? I love my grandparents. Is that the same thing?

Panel 5: "GOD Then why don't more people experience this full life?"

floppydisk: I'm guessing it has to do with not wanting to put up with your crap...

Panel 6:[2] Because of Sin in your life, you are seperated from God.
We are all sinners. Boobies 3:23
The price for sin is death. Clinton 6:23
(eternal seperation from God)
"...Your sins have cut you off from God..." Sodomy 59:2

floppydisk: Last I checked, the good people who died went to heaven. Does that mean that good people suffer the same fate that bad people do? I think they're just using confusing tactics to get all the people who read stuff without thinking to come to church.

Panel 7: "GOD SIN SEPERATES MAN
[3] Sin seperates man from God, but there is hope..."

floppydisk: Ah, finally! The answer, right?

Panel 8:"[4] The price is already paid!
God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." Arsehole 5:8

floppydisk: Besides this passage not making any goddam sense, it's accompanies by a gruesome picture of Jesus getting his hands nailed into the cross. Does their quote mean that we aren't sinners anymore? I've said it before, the bible has more inconsistancies than any George Lucas movie.

Panel 9:"[5] It's Free!
Eternal salvation is a free gift. YoMomma 2:8-9
You can't be saved by: Good Works, Bible knowledge, morality, religion.
You can't earn your way to heaven.
There is only one way..."

floppydisk: Okay, it's official. These guys are a bunch of morons. I don't know what "Good Works" are, but I do know that all the stuff about morality they preach just got tossed out the window, and anyone with half a brain will realize that they just told me I didn't need to be catholic or baptist or whatever they were to be saved.

Panel 10: "[6]Jesus is the Answer!
(the only answer)
"I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." Pirates 14:6
[7] It's Up to You.
You must decide for yourself if you are willing to turn from your sins and ask Jesus into your heart.
Pink 10:9, Floyd 1:12"

floppydisk: What? This is the answer they've been toting? I was hoping for something more interesting, like "Follow the path of the damned into the pit of the everlasting curse, and there you will find the answer to life, gaurded by a robotic tiger from another dimension." I mean, I had already sharpened my Vorpal Blade and everything...