The sparks of the posters here at the ChefElf Night Life have always ignited a few rivalries here and there. The old posters remember when Rory made a big fuss about his post count and strapped bombs to himself and held the server hostage until ChefElf realized that the bombs were actually hot dogs, but felt badly and changed Rory's post count down from "A billion zillion" to a number closer to the one he actually possessed before he created the tirade at the then dying Lance and Eskimo section of the Night Life.

Then there was the Sherwood-Chyld conflict. The obsessive competitive side of both parties was ignited after a squabble over resources broke into brutal guerilla warfare. In the ensuing ugly conflict, both parties refused to back down, constantly spam-posting in an attempt to gain control of the upper post. Eventually, they stopped when both realized that they had forgotten what they were attempting to accomplish, and that there are no winners in a war over an abstract concept, only two people who look like they had just been caught trying to stick coat hangers into electrical outlets while covered in nothing but whipped cream when all is said and done.

For a while, everything was silent. Hannibal had gone, the AT-ATs that protect the Night Life from the raging 14 year old fanboys in the Star Wars Forums were keeping people from spilling over and gushing about General Grievous and how cool a cowardly robot with a utility belt and emphasema makes a dying trilogy "OMFG t3h rox0rz!!!!1111oneoneone." The world settled down and resumed the debate between Girls and Boys, Pirates and Ninjas, Puffins and Lemurs. But peace could simply not last. The tension of another post war was building. Everywhere were rumors of the return of Hannibal, only furthered by his sad attempts at displaying the Internet's version of anti-social disorder. As a common Garden-Forum Troll, he had no power on his own, but the recent shock of SPQR and insurgent Star Wars fans, placed into the rest of the Forums by the death of the so-called "Prequel Trilogy" and spurred on by the unfair, unconditional surrender terms written out in the Treaty of Versailles, it was only a matter of time before armed conflict began again.

The air was thick enough to be plucked like the A string on a guitar (or cut by a lightsaber), and when the Pope of the Chefelfic Church began using espionage to increase his post count higher than the resident forum godless Communist, his faltering economy meant it was a sloppy job and the information was discovered. The Pope issued a papal smear indicating he had no intentions of bringing the forums into another post war, but the long time rivalry standing between the leaders of the two factions got the better of both of them, and each decreed he would be the higher poster at the end of the day.

The turmoil was devastating. The Pope enlisted the help of one of his cardinals and proceeded to kill the Word-A-Nator thread, while the head of the fledgeling humor site Jelly Pufflemur began tactical nuclear strikes against the News Desk in an attempt to cause the compassionate Debate Club Pope to back down, if only to protect innocent threads from wanton destruction. Here's our senior war correspondant Slade, live on the scene.

*Cut to Slade inside the ChefElf lobby.*

Thank you Slade. It's been hell here on the forums these past few days. The grisly corpses of once lively threads gasp in agony as they enter death throes. People are posting all over the place, heedless of the destruction they are causing, and the conflict is only worsened as the much larger posters Pope Slade and JM HoffmarN gather forces to their sides with cries of "Viva la revolucion!" and "For Our Lady of Discord!" and free arms deals in exchange for co-operation. As you can see, the lobby has been hit hardest. It seems that people are creating new threads to advertise their entrances into the forums, as well as bringing up old debates in new topics. It seems people are also feeling nostalgic for the old days of peace and quiet, where one could have a stimulating debate as to whether midchlorians are a stupid addition to and as to july how many licks it takes to piss off Rodney Dangerfield.

I have with me head of the "Give us Back the Old Days!" coalition, Jordan. Thank you Jordan, for taking time off from your charity work here around the forums in an attempt to pacify the conflict through understanding and Pinky and the Brainre-runs.

Jordan: No problem, Slade.

Slade: Can you tell me just exactly what the point is of your coalition?

Jordan: We at the Give Us Back the Old Days coalition want just that. The Old Days. Back. We want the old days back.

Slade: Fascinating. Why do you want the old days back?

Jordan: The new days suck. There's not much to do. All of the arguments are repetitive and the people who knew what they were talking about have sought political asylum in the real world, frightened that the influx of "newbies" would persecute them for their beliefs.

Slade: I see. How do you plan on getting them back?

Jordan: That's the hard part, Slade. At first, we wanted to build a time machine and just go back to the old days and stay there until they became the new days, and then repeat the process ad infinitum.

Slade: But you realized that building a time machine is impossible, because it going back in time, you would change the time you came from, and your self in that time would end up never building a time machine so you'd cease to exist in the past the moment you changed something?

Jordan: No, we decided that it was too much work, so now we just try to heal injured threads and raise awareness about not having an intelligent antagonist to argue civilly with.

Slade: Wonderful! Keep up the good work. Thank you for the interview, Jordan.

Jordan: You're welcome.

Of course, no war could occur without a bunch of hippies trying to stop it through useless protest. The Viet Nam war, while only fought out of obligation to Russia to maintain the facade of the Cold War, caused those without proper bathing habits to come out in force, holding signs proclaiming their outrage at the senseless murder of hundreds of thousand of young soldiers forced to serve in a war for speculative monetary gain for the politicians that orchestrated it. Sure, no one cared, and when a country has the nerve to pull off a stunt like that, it's already lost all of its support of the people and has begun ignoring them, but the hippies' counter-culture of peace and love managed to survive and is still ridiculed by assholes today. This conflict is no different, and here, head of the activist group "Make Posts, Not War", Kirby is joining me live via satellite phone.

Slade: Hello, Kirby. Thank you for making it.

Kirby: I'm always glad for a chance to spread my message.

Slade: What message is that?

Kibry: We want to see an end to all of the destruction of the Night Life. The Word-A-Nator thread exploded out of control when the Pope and one of his cardinals mercilessly attacked it without reason and killed it. And then HoffmarN blatantly violated the terms of the No-Spam Law of 2003 and mutilated the poor News Desk. You can't go anywhere near it without being iradiated by the fallout of spam-idiocy. The entire section of the Forums will be uninhabitable for years!

Slade: Yes, but how do you propose to do that? What does your group do?

Kibry: We're about freedom and democracy. We're about a bunch of people united under a simple and beautiful message trying to make the world a better place. We're about justice, Slade. And not just any justice. Carbonated justice.

Slade: But what do you do?!

Kirby: We're the group that fights for the underdog. We're the guys that find someone being bullied and say "Hey Asshole! If you touch him one more time, we're going to slit your throat in a legally binding manner!" We're the guys out in the rain and the snow and the hurricanes and the alien abductions and the nuclear tests with the signs letting everyone know what we're about and that we're not going to take it anymore!

Slade: Gah! What the hell are you talking about?!

Kirby: I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about being united and making a difference. I'm talking about making a stand, sticking up for what we believe in, I'm talking-

Slade: You're talking nonsense! Good day sir!

Kirby: Wait I -

Slade: I said "Good day sir!"

*The video phone cuts off*

And there you have it, ChefElfians. This has been Slade reporting live from the field.

*A post is fired off. Slade clutches his right arm.*

Aargh! I've been hit. Medic! Oh god, it's leet, it's offensive to any sane person's viewpoint, it's in all caps, it's redundant! I- I can't take it! Back to you, Slade. If I die, tell random beautiful women on the street that I love them.

*Cut back to news room*

That's our field reporter Slade, risking life, limb, and sanity to deliver you the news as it happens. You have to admire that kind of dedication to one's field. There has been another incident in posting here at the Night Life. It seems a group of deranged veterans have formed a shady and mutable alliance, and have been ruthlessly slaughtering threads with incessant haiku. This started, as these things often do, as a bizarre coincidence when a poster accidentally typed a haiku as a message and didn't realize it. But these so called "guerilla posters" sieze on any opportunity to destroy a perfectly good thread, and have sense taken up this practice of converting all to the Japanese poetry form in an attempt to brainwash the intelligent posters of the forum. As frightening as this is, ChefElf has refused to issue any sort of completely useless and utterly inane color coded warning system designed to insue panic and ensure a quicker coup by the iron fist of facism, and has urged posters to continue on as if nothing is wrong so as not to call attention to the guerillas or recently banned members. Surely, open jubilation would only provide more targets for the insurgents to attack.