Disclaimer: This article is about a nation other than the US. A nation that dosnt exist solely to be the butt of jokes, like Liechtenstein does. Many Canadians might find this offensive. However I must point out that I make fun of my own government far more than any wine addled quebecois could possibly make fun of yours, and that I am genuinely supportive of your plans for world domination. Please do not have me trapped by your legions of fur trappers.

Secondary Disclaimer: Sorry, Liechtenstein, but you're fucked, mate.

Having now made one trip to Canada, which is one more than most Americans make, I feel that I can enlighten my fellow countrymen about our neighbors to the North. Now, it’s well known that being as we have the best everything on earth, our country is the best educated, and therefore we all know plenty about foreign cultures. But I think that my first hand knowledge can broaden the horizons of my countrymen further. I've always been interested in learning about other cultures, like when I wrote our German contributer, Gobbler, this email:

"Gobbler, Don't worry if you're English is bad, no one here speaks their native language very well anyhow. And besides, you can't spell sauerkraut without kraut, and you're the sauerkraut in our reuben. Wheneas I am delicious corned beef.

It is in that spirit that I present

Fantastic Facts About Canada

Fact #1: Canadians always get angry when you don’t know who their Prime Minister is. This is an act. They’re really just having a bit of fun with you. The inside joke is that Canada’s system of government is a lot more like our own than they let on. Canada doesn’t even have a prime minister, they have a governor. The governor of Canada at present is Steven Harpist, a noted player of the aforementioned instrument. Although Canada technically remains a US state, they’re not allowed on the flag because they didn’t help out during the American revolution, hence fact number 2

Fact #2: Because Canada refused to participate in the American revolution the sovereign of England still technically rules Canada as head of government, while the governor handles most day to day matters, except the issuance of coin, a job left to the queen. The only real opposition to this is the Bloc Quebecois or Quebec Brick. They are a radical sect based, as the name suggests, in Calgary (a place noted for brick making). The Bloc Quebecois wishes to leave England and become a full fledged state of the USA.

Fact #3: Canada is a much more polite and gentle country than the US and this extends to their sports. Many believe that Canadian football and hockey are violent sports, but this is simply because of how we see US football and hockey, where barbarism is encouraged. In the enlightened land of Canada there are no fouls in their sports. When a hockey player accidentally hurts another (they are after all, too polite and gentle a people to do so on purpose) they simply apologize and shake hands and the game continues on.

Fact #4: Many believe the US could easily invade Canada. This is true. Canada has never done anything at all useful in any war. When they appeared to do so it was simply a misconception. For instance, in the war of eighteen twelve the whitehouse wasn’t torched by Anglo-Canadian forces, but by President Jackson’s annual "burn some injuns cuz they’re not people" event getting out of hand. It is true that Canada participated in World War 2, but they "fought" on the side of the axis. Lucky for them they never actually did anything, so when the war ended they were able to claim that they were with the allies all along. They’re sneaky, those Canadians.

Fact #5: It is true that absinthe and marijuana are largely legal in Canada and that they’re much lighter in drug prosecution. This is due to a number of problems with the country and should by no means be attributed to a liberal respect for human rights. Here are the real reasons Canada appears so lenient:

1: They do not have a massive prison industrial complex. If you look on a list of the biggest businesses in Canada "keeping people in cages" would not be on that list. As a result, Canada is plagued by crime, since they are too backwards to keep everyone who might possibly be a criminal incarcerated for a lengthy minimum sentence.

2: Though Canada is ruled by iron fisted and repressive tyrant Governor Steven Harper, his edicts are largely unenforcable. This is due to a problematic demographic trend. In past ages Canada was evenly divided between trappers, Mounties, prospectors and trail guides. However, as time went on, trapping and trail guiding became more popular while prospecting and mountyism declined. The result is that Canada is now 40 percent trappers, 37 percent trail guides, 18 percent prospector and only 5 percent Mounties. Therefore, though they would very much like to savagely beat any dissenters, they must be wary trying to do so, lest they be trapped, given poor directions, or have their rectums probed for precious metals.

3: Yukon Jack honey whiskey.

Fact #6: Canada is typically shown as being a clean and quiet country. I found this to be true. But it’s a little TOO clean and quiet, if you know what I mean… SUSPICIOUSLY clean and quiet. Remember on one of the FBI’s drives to get people to report their neighbors they mentioned that if people don’t have much furniture they might be terrorists? Well what about people who don’t produce trash? And what about people who keep so quiet? What could THEY have to hide?

Fact #7: Canada’s national anthem is produced in French, but the English translation goes like this:

Oooooooh Canada, you’re nice but kind of cold.

And that’s the only line.

Fact #8: Contraty to popular belief, Canada kicks the shit out of the US in the superhero department. We only have Captain America, Spider Man, Super man, Luke Cage and, when I'm drunk and have access to pens and paper, Hot Water Boy. Canada has Alpha Flight, Wolverine, and best of all, Zap Rowsdower.

Zap's hobbies are beating up cultists, playing Canadian rules football, and having at least three heart attacks a day. He has hockey hair, and he can create jackets out of lunch meat.

In conclusion, Canada is a country with much to teLL us, AND WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING IT TALK. For the safety of the world, Canada must be shipped to Guantanamo bay so that we might interrogate it properly. Canada is an enemy combatant so the Geneva conventions don’t apply to it. If you see Canada, or a country you suspect of being Canada, contact Homeland Security immediately. Do not approach Canada or it will probe your rectum for precious metals.