So then. You all knew I was going to get around to it sooner or later. I decided to do another liquor and cereal article. This time it’s a slightly addled St. Patrick’s day… thing. I can only hope you gain more informa-terror from the actual article as from me and Mr. Bailey’s unique approach to spelling anf grammar. Mr Bailey and me tell eachother thairy tails. We stare at beautiful women.

I have to write this now, while drunk, because I’m not going to remember a damn thing of this tomorrow. When I gewt the pictures developed I’m just going to wonder what the hell happened and werhe all thas yellow I mean green liquer went to. Surely, I will think, I could not have consmumed it all. Cunsomed hehe consumated… I digress.

So, on to the preparations. I have some delightful Flogging Molly on the boom box, or the boom… cd player and syolen computer speakers. Either way really I’ll be listening to Devil’s Dance Floor and Drunken Lullabies to help inhibit my Irishness to come out. Not inhibit. You know the damned word, and if you don’t go get a thesaurosaurus, fuck.

Anyhow, in addition to that I had my trusty bowl and spoon, as well as a green flannel shirt, grene pants, and a green frock coat. Aint none of you bitches pinchin me! I wanted to use my green kellogs saber spoon but I think Blake has it. I also had a full box of Lucky Charms and a half full bottle of Irish Cream. I had to sample it to make sure it was… Irish enough. It surely was.

Anywho, examining the Lucky Charms box revealed far more frightening leprechaun mascots than were on my Irish Cream. I personally would appeciate seeing Lucky drunk. In addition to their little green guy who’s eyes follow me deviously even as I speak as he holds a crystal ball in his hands in a Bowie-esque fashion, what was I talking about?

Yeah, there’s other stuff on the box. There are apparently some white goldfish shaped marshmellows that are supposed to predict the future by saying y, n, or ?. I have a lot of questions for them but in order for their magic to work you have to put milk on them. Milk is close to cream and Irish Cream has cream IN it so in theory while I’m getting piss ass drunk to honor St Patty I will also be dsiconvering the mysteries of this great universe. ONWARD!

I think I put the cerreal in the bowl first. I honestly can no longer remember at this point. Anyhow once I had a good portion of Lucky Charms doled out I added the liqueur. It smelled delightful and I wasn’t wearing any pants at the time. I started to eat and by the gods was it good. It was lucky charms still and smooth and creamy but the baileys gave me just a little tingle going down. Its not quite as hard as the cptn Morgan’s was.

I was so happy that I hopped up and got some pants on and then poured myself a nice green mojito with some rum, margarita mix and crème de menthe. Then I did a little jig. That’s how pleased I was with this combination. When I was mostly done I looked into the bowl hoping for answers to all of my great questions, like why Slade is such a dick.

Here are my questions laid out and the answers the marshmellows gave out:

Q: What is the meaning of life?

A: Squiggly orange line

Q: Am I plastered yet?

A: Squiggly orange line

Q: What does that leprechaun’s wang look like?

A: Squiggly orange line

With the exception of question three, which I just made up, the fortune telling magic marshmellows had failed entiredly. I drowned my sorrows in green liquor. But there was still more I could do. Would Flogging Molly stop flogging just because their marshmellows didn’t tell them their fates? I don’t think so! I had to take my fight straight to the top!

I headed to the General Mills Website. They were the ones responsible for these defective marshmellows. I signed my name naturally and then they gave me a DELIGHTFGULLY long … hey. My computer spell check dosnt recognize anything wrong with the word DELIGHTFGULLY! Rock out! It’s kind of like that movie Ferngully except… Ok back to the topic. It was a long list of possible titleS. I was totally leaning towards Madamoiselle, but then when I saw Professor I had to take it. I am the professor of liquor cereal relations.

Here’s my note:

Dear General Mills,

First of all, are you a real general? Like, did you serve with Colonel Sanders in the war? I was just curious. Second, I was pouring some fine Baileys Irish cream over my lucky charms today, in honor of St. Patty's day (I'm Orthodox Irish so we celebrate it in February) when I noticed something that was terrifying:

The little crystal ball marshmallows were not only not telling the future, but they weren’t even making any effort to do it. All I could see on any of them were squiggly orange lines bearing no resemblance to any letter known to the King's English.

If I had children I'm sure they'd be mortified to see that such magical things don't exist, and that their hero, Lucky The Leprechaun had failed them. I hope that you will make your marshmallows better in the future.

With Love, Professor J M Hoffman"

And here's how I looked when I wrote said note:

Desperate the assuage my drunker rage, they replied:

Dear Professor Hoffman:

Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding Lucky Charms cereal. We understand your concern and are sorry you had this experience.

The portion of the product you referred to is specially furnished to us by a processor, in accordance with standard specifications established by our Quality Department. All ingredients we purchase from outside suppliers are manufactured and processed with the utmost care to ensure high quality. Please be assured that our Quality Department has been notified of your report. A refund will be sent to you shortly.

We regret any inconvenience this has caused you and hope you continue to choose our products.

Sincerely,

Someone

General Mills

Consumer Services