Durf VS Iraqi Interrogation Guy

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The great winged beast burst forth with a blood-curdling cry as it dove at lightning speed toward our hero.

luckily our hero was moving at a faster speed than lightening, he was moving like greased lightening. John Travolta drew forth his salami and prepared to hit the wing-bear.

With an earth-shattering swing, the two foes came in contact, reality itself shuddering from the impact of our hero's weapon upon the foul beast's prodigious loins.

the salami snapped like a tree caughT in the storm of the century, or, also, like a pencil, that was not caught in the storm of the century, but was just being snapped by a frustrated high school sophomore. but the crotch of the talony death that approached also snapped, but not quite like a pencil that was snapped by a high school sophomore

Byron finished this last word with a flourish and a bow, but was met with awkward silence from his creative writing class. For a minute, no one moved. There was a cough from the back of the room, and someone shifted uncomfortably in the classroom chairs that seemed to have been designed by Goebbels specifically for unfortunate Jews.

The chairs actually were designed by Goering, not Goebbels. This common misconception has plagued the innocent Nazi's descendants to this day. Well, not to this day, since it was just, you know, pretty much explained, but certainly to yesterday. So anyhow, the Goering Lazy [Jew] Boy chairs weren't very comfortable, and soon Byron and his cohort, Durf Persimmon, were going to ritually burn one in protest. They could never know the terror that would come of it when their principal, Iraqi Interrogation Guy, found out

When the day finally came principal Iraqi Interrogation Guy had been clued in my a traitor named Judas McGee. Byron started the chair burning cerimony with the dddeclaration that he wished to be called Lord Byron from now on. Then he swam the bosporus. Judas, who noticed that he was calling himself Lord and traversing large areas of water, decided he had to be betrayed, and so Principal Iraqi Interrogation Guy arrived with Judas McGee at his side just as Durf Persimmon was about to light the pyre beneath the chair.

With all the speed of a drunken garden snail, Durf Persimmon realizes that Judas and Principal Iraqi Interrogation Guy are cohorts in a fiendish plot to destroy Lord Byron and all he holds dear. His adrenaline fueling him, he tears a leg from a Lazy Jew Boy Chair and lights it on fire before hurdling it toward the two traitors.

Durf was an expert at lighting things on fire, but his aim was not true. Enraged by this provocation, Principal Iraqi Interrogation Guy cried out "What is the problem with Michael Jackson!?" Durf and Lord Byron whirled to face him only to discover... an army of bears wielding umbrellas were coming over the hill to back him. And worse yet, some of the bears wore cute 18th century military uniforms with epaulettes and such

General Bear roared ferociously in spite of his tu-tu and ordered the charge. His soldiers, covered in blood, and sweat, fear, and sweet, sweet honey, charged under his banner. "Do not maul anyone until you can see the whites of their eyes!" the general had said, and they held this tactic within their heart of hearts.

Durf was terrified. Would the bears mail hum? Would more of them decide to put on tutus? Was this some sick revenge for all the furry slash fiction he wrote where characters from Sea Quest DSV turned into male animals and then had sex? It might be, and that terrified him. It was a lucky thing he had rigged the field of battle with salami traps in expectation of Judas McGee's betrayal of Lord Byron, but he did not know this right now because he had got amnesia after someone bet their amnesia against his thermocalmophilia in a card game

The gutteral cry of a thousand bears blundering into a thousand salami traps was all that could be heard as our heroes and villans looked on in confused awe. A stray cry poked Durf in the eye and it spurred him to action. Like lightning he sprang onto the back of... whoever the antogonist is... and began giving him a ferocious noogie he usually reserved for his little brother.

Judas McGee, seeing that his plans were foiled, and now having a pesky Durf Persimmon on his back, ran around blindly and soon stumbled itno a salami mine. His crotch was viciously exploded by the delicio_s Genoa salami, and Durf fell off his smoking remains safely, patting him on the back as he lay dying and saying "Et Tu, BITCH" all cool like. Then he threw his lighter to The protagonist or whoever, and he lit up the bonfire they'd built out of lazy jew boy chairs. Principal Iraqi Interrogation guy was busy pouring oil and cds on people and did not see Lord Byron drawing his sword from a bad ass celtic cross. "Prepare to recieve the true Lord!" Lord Byron said

Lord Byron drove his "Christian Rock's Greatest Hits" album directly into the back of Principal Iraqi Iterrogation Guy's skull with a sickening, wet thunk. the PIIG turned to face his attacker, the cd not properly disengaging his motor control, and he screamed out " FLYING GOATS CRAPPING THE PANTS OF A HAMBURGER!" as his eyes bulged. He gathered a mighty fist together and prepared to strike Lord Byron. But at the last moment, Byron sat down in a burning Lazy Jew Boy Chair to write a bit of poetry, and Principal Iraqi Interrigation Guy only managed to punch one of the first bears to reach the humans in the face. Really really hard.

Corporal Bear was terrified. Would his health plan cover this? Friendly fire wasnt listed on his insurance statement. He did not want to deal with the bills and so he hit himself in the crotch with a salami. So ended the life of bear kinds greatest politician. But Principal Iraqi Interrogation Guy did not know that this bear had been bear kind's greatest politician. He knew that there was something embedded in his head and after that last attack that he had poured all his resources into even to the last drops like when you try to get the last bit of liquer out of a bottle of absinthe. The principal soon fell to the ground and began a very moving dying monologue: "Please... When I am gone... GURKH... You must.. bake my betty crocker biscuit mix... but... i beg of you Lord Byron... do not add too many blueberries... they get all... cough cough... crumbly" Lord Byron was sympathetic. "Fuck you" he said. Perhaps he was not that sympathetic. Or maybe he really was and just wanted to hide it under a hard boiled egg exterior. He did not know.

He did know that Aunt Marjpore was late for a game of Grandma Melt Controls the Ponies, and he had a cup of tea to steal from Starbucks before then to keep him energized. However, first there was this whole bear army to take care of. What on earth could one do to an army whose one weakness was a sharp strike to the genitals with a stick of salami? Far too many were breaking through the salami traps and mauling and eating the people dancing around the Chair fire. He dodged a fatal swipe at his midsection and impaled the bear with an errant salami as he looked around for Durf. Where was that madman?

In another story this would be the part where the reader was regaled with Durf Persimmons exploits during the battle. Surely he did some good stuff, like when he killed one of the bears with only a shaving of salami hooked to some dental floss on a piece of chewed gum, that was pretty cool because you'd never expect that to produce the kind of massive detonation that would kill a bear, but again, we're not going to tell you about that. Lord Byron wielded his sword atop the body of his foe, the sword in one hand and a salami in the other. The bears were swarming around him but they all knew to stay back. The sword stung them terribly and the salami crushed their genitals. Still, in the battle between school children and bears it is assumed that the bears will eventually win because they employ guerilla warfare. Luckily a completely unknown character named Ribald Borderthing was digging trenches to buy time, turning the battle into a war of attrition. It was very much like world war one, right down to snoopy chasing the Red Baron in the skies overhead

But as Lucy pulled the football away from Charlie Brown, he turned to her and stabbed her in the face with a knife. The crowd gaspe_ at this unthinkable action on his part, but upon reflection they realized that the bitch had it coming to her. But no one expected what happened next. Chuck ripped her face clean off, to expose that of Bear Hitler underneath! "Ah ha!" Lord Byron cried! "You're behind the haunting of the gym!" "You're right," said Bear Hitler. "I was so jealous that everyone in school but me had a date that I wanted to haunt the dance so no one would show up. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and your poet!" "But you don't go to school, BITCH!" Lord Byron cried, and smashed Bear Hitler's face so hard with his salami that BH's entire body disintigrated, along with every other bear that saw how powerful the salami hit was.

The terrible war of attrition was over now. The trenches could be used for more fun purposes, like the game where you throw people into a trench and bury them alive, or the game where you throw people into a trench and then don't bury them alive. A salami dinner was had by all and shared equally, except for Durf, Charlie, Ribald and of course Lord Byron, who were more equal than everyone else. They too found a use for the trenches: They could train their new generation of attack bears down there. No one knew this at the time though, and so they enjoyed their salami, never knowing that with each slice of delicious salami they spread on their crackers, they were also spreading... their chance for freedom.