As any veteran bear-crotch-salami-hitter-wither will tell you, hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami is no exact science, rather, it is an art. It is a skill that must be cultivated. Bears may be angered. Salamis may be damaged. Limbs may be lost. But only with practice, perseverence, and an undying will to hit a bear in the crotch with a salami can the skill flourish. What follows is not intended to replace years of training and practice, but is merely a starting point, a glimpse into the very complex and ancient art of hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami.

History
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I. Origins of Hitting a Bear in the Crotch with a Salami.

The practice of hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami is thought to have originated as an ancient Greenlandic tribal coming-of-age ritual. A young boy or girl was deemed fit for adulthood when he or she could successfully incapacitate a bear of his or her own height. An expert would be able to bring a full-grown bear to his knees. It was thought that hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami would bring about good fortune, such as the fabled Rain of Golden Llamas or the Plague of Small Flying Delicious Things. Eventually, the bear population in the area declined, as wanton crotch-hitting drove the bears into a depression and they stopped reproducing. As such, the tribe packed up and moved away, bringing their rich culture of bear-crotch-hitting with them.

II. Hitting a Bear in the Crotch with a Salami Around the World.

As the nomadic tribes of Greenland spread their wisdom of the ways of hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami, this art has flourished in many locales around the world, often evolving to suit the area's particular environment and climate. For instance, in heavily forested areas, individuals would hide in the trees and wait, taking the bears by surprise. In more mountainous regions at higher altitudes, people would often work in groups, surrounding the bear and launching a guerilla-style attack from behind boulders and atop cliffs. Furthermore, as remarkable evidence of the indomitable spirits of hitters of bears in the crotch with a salami, the art has taken on new forms to adapt to a scarcity of bears. For instance, in warmer climes, it is a popular activity to hit a lion on the tail with a bratwurst, and residents of oceanic locales frequently delight in hitting sharks on the nose with a kielbasa.

III. Nomenclature of Hitting a Bear in the Crotch with a Salami.

There are various ways to refer to the art, including but not limited to:
-hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami
-bear-crotch-salami-hitting-withing
-Forceablye Introdeucing yon Cured Sandwiche-Meate to yon Nether
Regionse of yon Ursine Creature
-kathwapp-raghwr

III. Hitting a Bear in the Crotch with a Salami in Folklore and Popular Culture.

Like the hero's quest and the trickster tale, hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami has become a mythical archetype deeply ingrained into our society's consciousness. There is evidence of this in many well-known tales. In fact, the famous Biblical narrative of David and Goliath is actually a mistranslation: Goliath was in fact a large bear and not a giant, and likewise, David did not hit him in the face with a rock from a slingshot, but rather in the crotch with a salami. The common misunderstanding of this story stems from translational errors as well as a desire to shroud the tale in allegory. Similarly, there is evidence that the well-known story of Cinderella and her wicked stepsisters has a lesser-known predecessor upon which it was based, wherein the heroine wins the heart of the prince via her prowess at hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami. Forced to do tedious house chores by her stepsisters who are envious of her skills, the prince finds her despite her disguise because she is best at hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami in all his kingdom. And, of course, in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," the bears would have been far less upset with the protagonist if she had only just eaten their porridge and sat in their chairs, and not hit them all in the crotch with a salami before she left.

IV. Hitting a Bear in the Crotch with a Salami in Modern Politics.

Hitting bears in the crotch with a salami has been the cause of a tremendous amount of strife in the modern world. It is a little-known fact that the Second World War was instigated when a bear was hit in the crotch with a salami. Likewise, one mid-afternoon in Iraq, a man asked, "What is the problem with Michael Jackson?" which resulted in a bear getting hit in the crotch with a salami and the start of the Iraq War. In fact, after years of oppression and being hit in the crotch with a salami, bears across the US formed a coalition to lobby at butchers to get them to not sell salamis to those who would hit them in the crotch with it. In fact, they eventually formed a political party based on this platform, and one "Grizzly" Brown, a no-nonsense lawyer from the mountains of North Dakota, even began a presidential campaign. This noble goal was tragically thwarted when he gave a speech, detailing how he was going to take back control of various states from ill-intentioned butchers. Just as he was getting to "South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan," one Sirhan Sirhan, three-time Olympic medalist for the shot put and lifelong hater of bears, hidden deep within the cheering audience, hurled a salami at him, hitting him squarely in the crotch. Brown let out a "yearrgh!" which would be replayed many times on national television, in effect ending his political career. Not all humans, however, enjoy the fine pursuit of hitting a bear in the crotch with a salami. In fact, one Durf Persimmon, as a young man, chanced across a family of bears who had all just been hit in the crotch with a salami as he was out wandering the forest one fine afternoon. The perpetrator was long gone, but Persimmon vowed to avenge the family of bears. He would go on to form the Coalition of Humans Against the Crotch-Hitting of Bears, a major supporter of Brown's campaign.

Methodology
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If you actually do intend to hit a bear in the crotch with a salami, it is of paramount importance that the bear you target is a male. This will ensure that, should you succeed in hitting said bear in the crotch with a salami, that you will have ample time to make your escape before said bear recovers. With that in mind, this section examines the two primary methods of hitting a bear in the crotch with
a salami: Distance and Close-Range.

I. Hitting a Bear in the Crotch with a Salami from a Distance, or, the Salami-Projectile Method.

This is the recommended method for beginners to start with, considering that it is reasonably simple to practice hitting a target with a salami, and also considering, should you succeed in getting the bear's attention, but not in incapacitating him, that the distance you have from the bear gives you a slight advantage in your ability to get away. Various ways of projecting the salami include flinging it by hand, shooting it with a slingshot or salami crossbow, utilizing catapults or trebuchets, or, in a more recent technological development, launching it from a salami cannon.

This method is harder to practice, and also considerably more risky to employ. Often it is best to work in groups rather than individually, as having more people can confuse the bear so he is more vulnerable. The attackers can either stealthily sneak up on the bear and hit him before he even knows they are there, or they can launch a noisy assault, screaming and banging on pots to confuse the bear, then
hitting him and running away.