What a non-face eating human would consider a polite if muted gesture of acceptance and diversity, the crazy Christians viewed as outright support of gay marriage, satan, the apocalypse, and that damned rap music these kids are-a-listenin to these-a-days. So like ten people in Kansas are boycotting Walmart now. I don’t think it counts as a boycott though, cuz all these guys are probably from the same family just like Phelp’s World Hating Dream Team. But Wal Mart apparently conceded, because when half the people there are both cousin and brother to half the other people, it seems like there are more involved.

But who were these cousin-uncles and aunt-mothers? Why did they hate gays and abortionists and literate people so much? I still don’t know. Nor do I care. Hiring psychiatrists to find out why crazy arsed Christians A: spend all their time pissing people off in the name of love, B: hate everything that isn’t white, male, Christian and walks around with a stick up its ass, and C: use the bible to justify all of it, just wouldn’t be funny. Want to know what is funny though? Their "God goes back to school" campaign.

I first traveled to their questions and answers section, where I expected to have a lot of questions but find few answers. And how!

"The fact that God has been expelled and banished from the school yard is reaping an increasingly ugly harvest. SAT scores have plummeted."

Wow. Way to string together two completely unrelated things. God is so pissed that he made our kids stupid? Then why is it that any gay artist can still catch my interest better than fucking Toby Keith, or whatever you patriotic nut jobs listen to these days. God hasn’t smote them with idiocy yet. I should be thanking you though, using your logic I can point out that since my grafitti drawing of Pam Anderson’s knockers was erased from the second floor boy’s room, test scores have plummeted. This data will be instrumental in my "Pam Anderson’s Tits Go Back To School" campaign.

"One third of our high school graduates are functionally illiterate (they’ve been taught how to use a condom but can’t read the directions on the package). Teen suicide rates are up 300 percent since 1962. Violence, drugs, gangs and condoms have replaced God and anarchy reigns."

Dude, high school sounds pretty fucking rad now. I can’t wait to see "Escape from Hoover High" or "Mad Max Beyond the Computer Lab".

"The pictures we carry provide a pictorial essay and real warning of what horrors befall a culture that turns its back on a Holy God. Life and blessing are ours when we honor God’s law found in the Ten Commandments. This is visibly demonstrated by the picture of a live baby. Contrast this with the graphic pictures of children ripped apart by abortion and you epitomize the cost of walking away from the precepts and principles found in God’s law. "

So your sermon is "This is your baby on god. This is your baby on not god. Any questions?" Perhaps if you loony tunes would stop bitching about the use of condoms people would stop needing abortions. But no, every sperm is sacred, and God just loves that we’re over populating his fucking planet. I can honestly state that the one thing I’m most thankful for is that God hasn’t yet gotten pissed and smashed the swarm of ants we must look like that are wrecking the picnic table he set. Seriously, people, there are too damn many humans on this earth.

"These pictures do not traumatize kids, no matter how young, when they have parents who believe abortion is wrong and do everything they can to protect and speak for these defenseless children. "

More great Christian loony logic. So, a kid sees a ripped apart fetus and goes home crying, then their parents tell them that what they saw was mean, and then they somehow DON’T have nightmares for months to come? They go on to say that their kids see dead babies all the time but are ok with it. Perhaps that’s because they’re too busy being indoctrinateded into this insanity to have the natural fear of stuff like that and to realize that it’s wrong to propagate images like this in front of children. Or because they have six fingers on each of their hands and a few extra chromosomes, take your pick. Oh, and here’s one of their pictures so you can decide:

"Sacrifice was acceptable only on the basis of very graphic procedures. God was using the sacrificial system as a pedagogical device to show His people the severity of sin. "Without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sins." Can you imagine laying your hand on the head of a precious lamb and slitting its throat with the other? Can you imagine watching the crimson blood flow as the animal dies in your hands?"

You’re creeping me out now, guys.

And for more creepyness lets see about some of the specifics of their operations to save America by scaring children.

"They are starting the "Gay-Straight Alliance," a club that ostensibly "promotes tolerance and friendship among all sexual orientations." Please! "

That’s their rebuttal? "Please!" The exclamation point does make it a lot more convincing, but still. Was "Talk to the hand!" not available?

"Here is the problem. Homosexuality is not only out of the closet and parading its sin publicly in the hallways of South Rowan, it demands all bow down and be subject to it, or be sued. Friends, if we do not fight this battle now when we have a good chance of winning in Jesus' name, we may find ourselves having to fight when there is little or no hope of victory, realizing that it is better to die free than live under the bondage of homosexual slavery."

This is probably the best paragraph ever. Anyone who doesn’t bow to homosexuality will be sued? What? But you see, that’s just the start of it. That’s right, if we allow them to force their radical agenda of "promoting tolerance among all sexual orientations" they’ll somehow make us live under the bondage of homosexual slavery.

So you’re saying that if I don’t do my part to stop gay marriage that some hot lesbians will come and make the entire world their own personal baby oil soaked slave pen? Holy shit man, you are not helping your cause with this logic. You are, however, giving me a boner.

And here’s a delightful picture from their little romp to some other unfortunate school. I see some cops ready to bust the heads of any crazy fucks trying to get at their kids, but these guys see it differently:

Apparently this school was populated by white students, who these guys don’t like. Apparently they find black people easier to brain wash. So both whites and blacks can be insulted by this paragraph:

"West Charlotte High is a predominantly black school and therefore we knew that we would be treated very respectfully by both parents and students. We were. Why is it that at the lower income inner city schools we are treated so kindly as we bring Jesus to the students? It is because they know that we all need help!"

And I’m going to give it to them. Here’s the letter I wrote their overlord, Flip.

Dear Mr. Flip,

My name is J. M. Hoffman, I run a web site that has a specialized team of people devoted to making fun of crazy Christians such as yourself. It is a great honor to be chosen by the lazer squad and I hope that this letter will reflect that honor.

Your wonderful spiel against homosexuality and abortion met the criteria for inclusion by making your god seem like a bloodthirsty deity of hatred. I can honestly say that your page has offered me plenty of laughs and I hope it will do the same for my many readers. When I read the part about how it was better to die free than live under the bondage of homosexual slavery I nearly spit out my grape juice, or blood of Christ as some of you religious types might call it.

Have you ever even seen a gay person without having a bunch of signs and accusations in the way? Most of my gay friends don't roam the streets looking for straight people to carry off and toss in chains for sale to gay plantations. However, if such plantations as you invision do exist, I bet they're pretty cool. I have visions of a bunch of sweaty shirtless men hauling carts of glittery lip gloss out of bizarre lip gloss mines. I don't know if this is the same vision you have of homosexual bondage, but I know it sure sounds sexy.

Also, in addition to your uninformed views about gays and abortions, I have to say that your support of abstinence only education is pretty cool. It's kind of like telling kids simply not to do any drugs ever because it will kill them, and then leaving them to learn the rest on their own. I also think that God would just love the fact that you're further encouraging the spread of aids and the continued population explosion with your all or nothing approach.

Anyhow, I like to give bigots a chance to defend themselves, so here's what I'll do. If you can tell me why God cares more about whether Melissa Etheridge got some tonight than global warming or a genocidal war in Iraq, then I'll remove all references to inbred rednecks from my article.

Toodles

-J. M. Hoffman