Naturally the subject of nair came up when it came to avoiding nicks and cuts. I decided to try it. I researched their website and read all the warnings about not putting it in naughty places. They didn’t say what would happen though. Would I become a super powered mutant able to destroy hair with my gaze? Would I die? Would my nads die? There was only one way to find out, and it involved the hair removal rack at my local wal mart and a murmured excuse that the stuff was for my girlfriend.

4:06 AM October 29.

I have just made my first test use of nair baby oil flavor. No wait, not flavor. Well, whatever you call it. I haven’t tasted it yet but it smells nothing like baby oil. It also comes in a very pink and thin bottle. It is possible the most girly thing I own, and I still have a pink stuffed poodle beany baby that Lisa gave me years and years ago.

So, does this make me gay?

I knew I eventually had to put some of the stuff on my flesh, and I was kind of scared. It clearly says not to put it on your genitals, face, or pretty much anywhere that you don’t want melting. At this point I was expecting at the very least a slight burning sensation. At the worst I was thinking it would be like rubbing a serrano chili pepper around my wang.

Well, not there actually. I’d targeted my stomach for the trial run. I had just watched gangs of New York, and I recall Daniel Day Louis saying that a stab to the stomach would only be a wound. At this point I made a note to keep it away from my kidneys or underarms incase it did indeed melt my flesh as I expected.

"Nair on the underarms, that’s a wound, nair on the stomach, that’s a wound. Nair on your nuts… that’s a kill"

It says not to let it stay on your hands when you apply it, that was the first problem, though it did help me understand how girls can spend so much time in the bathroom. You’re supposed to leave the stuff on for three to five minutes, wash your hands as soon as you put it on, and then wash it off after the time is up. Who the fuck has time for that? My showers take ten minutes and that’s washing and conditioning a foot of hair as well. So, no, I wasn’t going to hang out in the bathroom like some supermodel.

I took a more gung-ho approach and just squirted the (again, cutesy pink colored) stuff onto a plastic bag, using that as a glove and rubbing it over my stomach. It was cold and smelled very faintly of lotion. Surprisingly there was no sensation at all. I thought I’d been ripped off but then figured it was just trying to catch me by surprise later when I use it where it counts.

Three minutes passed and all that changed was that it smelled very savory, kind of like… cooked meat? That was odd. I hoped it wasn’t cooking me. Or, alternatively, it could have just brought out the aroma of the entire cow worth of filet mignon that we sold at work tonight. In any event, I soon realized that I was made of meat, and lest the stuff cook me I scurried down to get it off.

And lo and behold, it worked perfectly. There was no death, no melting, and no hair left. I didn’t feel a bit of discomfort the whole time. It suddenly occurred to me that shaving is for suckers or those who aren’t secure enough in their sexuality to put pink supposedly baby oil scented stuff on themselves.

4 15 AM October 31st

Ok, the final test is complete. It actually went remarkably well, considering, though I haven’t yet had to deal with future side effects. I started by, as the bottle said, applying a liberal layer of the cutesy pink goop. I then sat a round while it did its thing and finally had reason to get up when the cooking meat/medicine smell told me it was working. Then the burning told me it was working.

In my conscious memory Ive never had sunburn on my nads, or a diaper rash, but I imagine this could be compared to either except that it got worse with every passing moment as I scurried down the stairs wildly in my bathrobe and jumped into the bath. Go ahead, laugh, you rotten bastards! The funny part is yet to come, because, you see, I was supposed to whipe the stuff off before rinsing. But who has time for that when your wang is on fire?

Picture that this guy had a dick. That’s me.

So, as the water started to get rid of it I noticed that it was turning the hair and flesh it had ummm… disembodied? From me into delightful sticky oily little clots. Oh, this was going just fine. So I worked on getting rid of those for a while. And then I noticed the most wonderful surprise—I’d discovered a very interesting shade of red. Between my legs. I also noticed that water hurt. In fact, anything hurt. It did not, however, hurt like motorcyclist rape as I stated in my hypothesis.

So I finally got out of the bath and tossed on every lotion and un-burning salve I could find til I felt I would be able to walk. At present the after effects feel little worse than a regular razor burn, so I think I’ve successfully completed my test. My findings, and possibly the only useful part of this article, are that nair dosnt hurt when applied to the penis or the area above it, or anywhere on the ass to the back of the nut sack, but for some reason the front of my scrote is really burning and its continued well after the use of the product. So yeah, just avoid that spot.

Now, you might ask what the point of all this was. Well, first of all it’s a great promo for genital shaving awareness day, though that’s long past. But, when you’re considerate of your partner and your hygiene, genital shaving awareness day should be every day! You might retort that this was nothing but a silly waste of time, a quasi suicidal cry for attention. Maybe so. But this chick*

"Ooooooooh scareeeeeeeeeey"

Spent her day trying to get Harry Potter banned from all of her county’s libraries and trying to connect it to a drive to enlist children in some sort of evil wiccan plot. Oh, and she wants to use bibles to stop school shootings. But guess what? No one’s listening to this crazy ass. So she’s making a fool of herself and giving evil wiccans reason to put hexes on her and all of her four children during time she should be using to cook her kids dinner, or snort coke, either of which would be more productive.

When you look at it through that light, applying dangerous chemicals to your nuts dosnt seem so crazy anymore, does it?

*Editor’s note: Anyone finding Laura Mallory’s website so I can send in the JPCBLS will receive a free… something.