Tonight on Fox news... OH HOLY FUCK ITS AN IDENTITY THEFT! FUCKING SHIT PISSER! PENIS WRINKLE ASS MUFFIN! THEY'RE AFTER US ALL! THEY WANTS THE IDENTITIES! NONE ARE SAFE! THE BLACK SKIES RAIN WITH POISON WATER! WATER THAT WASHES AWAY YOUR IDENTITY AND, IN EFFECT, STEALS IT! NO ONE IS SAFE FROM IDENTITY THEFT! THEY COME IN THE NIGHT! THEY COME WITH FIRES! FIRES THAT BURN YOU EVEN IF YOU HAVE FLAME RETARDANT CLOTHING AND A FUNCTIONING SMOKE DETECTOR! FIRES THAT BURN AWAY YOUR IDENTITY! IDENTITY THIEVING FIRE! FUCK MAN! THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO! ALL IS DOOM!

Does this sound familiar? Are you afraid of identity theft? Not nearly enough. Because I've written an informative and terror inducing article to try to explain this horrible apocalyptic phenomenon from which there can be no escape. The first thing to do is to keep calm and learn about your undefeatable enemy who will surely steal your identity and sell you into gay sex slavery in Mexico. Accepting this is the first step toward confronting identity theft, after which you can work on getting Jose to stop shoving cactuses into impolite places upon your person.

We sent out a poll about identity theft, but somehow this poll only told us that the majority of people with brains believe that whoever all these free ring tone ads are marketed to should be required to use a ring tone of James Earl Jones saying "I'm a self absorbed chatty twat with nothing better to do online than get annoying ring tones for my fucking cell phone, please shoot me, drag me through the streets, and burn me at the stake." In the same poll the majority of respondents rated "searching for German fecal porn" and "creating German fecal porn" as better uses of time than downloading ringtones.

Since no one could be bothered to answer the actual questions on our poll we just decided that identity theft is, like, the biggest cause of death in the US, ever. Over 100% of Americans will be the targets of identity theft tomorrow afternoon alone. Scientologists, who are almost like scientists, believe that identity theft is a chain reaction caused by identity thefted zombies*, or, in medical terms, identity thefted zombies...osis.

*And that rascally Xenu putting people in volcanoes.

One person loses their indentity and must therefore steal someone elses. This chain reaction can go on until everyone on earth has shifted their identities at least twice. But why does identity theft occur? And how can you stop it from occuring?

To be honest, you can't. Hackers will stop at nothing to steal your identity and use it to buy sick stuff on ebay. Then when you try to get it back you realize you've bought five dildoes, a used butt plug, and a copy of "Octopus Sex Girl Yuchihito" in two days and suddenly you don't want that identity back. Then the hackers have won, and when hackers win, that's giving in to terrorism.

Identity thieves want to steal your identity, YES YOU! because you have one and they don't. Sandra Bullock in the film, The Net, was an identity thief. The government confiscated (when the government does it it's not identity theft) her identity so they could get back some secret information, no doubt the closely guarded identities of one of their spies such as Valerie Plame.

Anyhow, Sandra Bullock then started stealing identities. Once your identity is stolen the identity thief can look and talk just like you. Only when faced with a mirror or a piece of the true cross will they return to their regular identityless form.

Why do identity thieves want your identity so bad? Because you have stuff and they want it. If they look like you it's easier for them to get your stuff. Once an identity thief has your identity and your stuff, they attain a state of oneness with the universe. And that is why identity thieves must be opposed. Because no one likes a hippie.

How can you stop them? Well, in Star Wars Episode 2, Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywhiner chased an identity thief all over a lame bar, and then it got shot by Boba Fett's clonedaddy. George Lucas used this subtle and metaphoric encounter as a guide to defeating identity theives.

The message is that to defeat an identity thief (theoreticly) you must chase them through a bar, turn down some cigarettes someone offers you, and then wait for a bounty hunter's father to shoot the identity thief. Only then a Jedi will you be.

For more information on how to stop identity theft, just email your name, credit card number, social security number, date of birth, address, ebay name nad password, and any other pertinent information to me and I'll send you a free pamphlet. And a pill that will enlarge your penis by five inches, guaranteed.

Anyhow, the best way to sum up identity theft is that it's a complicated and intricate dance, and when a practitioner of it is enacting it properly it can be a beautiful art form. Much like the beautiful art form of Jose spreading lubricant over that cactus. Yeah, you know where that's going. Bet you wish you still had your identity now, eh?*, **

*Studies show that your identity is the only thing that keeps cacti out of your arse, acting as a sort of anal anti cactus force field.

**...What the fuck is all of this bollocks I've just written?