Welcome to part two of my series of Blake's inventions. Today we'll explore some of the more technical and creative inventions.
Blake not only created hand to hand weapons and psychological warfare tactics, he was also a weapons designer, hazardous materials
specialist and a writer in languages men cannot yet comprehend. Let's have a look, shall we?
Piss Cannon
The piss cannon was the most complicated and ambitious invention to date. Had it worked I have no doubt that Blake would
now rule the world. It was more of a psychological warfare tool than an actual weapon since it didn't fire, but that's neither
here nor there. Now let us begin the tale of the piss cannon.
Charles and Blake's battles, as have been told, are legend. One day after Charles ruined a session of D&D that Blake
was DMing, Blake decided that everyone had to die. It might have had something to do with the fact that he was attacked by
a lamp post and had a good gash on his head, or it might just have been Charles' constant jeering, but Blake mercilessly beat
all of us around the table until he came to Charles, who was a good deal larger.
He and Charles fought until Blake's wound reopened and streamed blood. Despite the draubing I'd taken I saw it as my duty
to drag Blake forcibly from the field of combat since he could no longer see, this despite his many protestations and his
unquenchable thirst for the blood of his foe.
It was in this spirit that Blake's ultimate weapon was built. Blake and myself both occasionally had to resort to pissing
in spent soda bottles. With the amount of crazy drunken idiocy going on downstairs (the location of the only bathroom) it
was a literal necessity, especially when walking out of our respective rooms could just as soon make us privy to a fight over
cigarettes, someone overdosing on pills, or any number of reasons for the cops to show up.
Blake was best known for this, and I admit that I did it once or twice so that it might not be looked upon solely as his
vice. Naturally Charles thought it was gross, which it was. Blake soon took to throwing (capped) bottles of piss at Charles
when he had been sufficiently pissed off, as was often after the brawl. Eventually we realized that this could be damaging
to property or persons, and moreover that it lacked style. And so project piss cannon was initiated.
Wood. Duct tape. An old hand mixer. Bottles of piss. plastic tubing. a piece of pipe, another piece of pipe, and various
other things were acquisitioned as we ran around the house. The hand blender (which still worked) was used as a handle, and
the two pieces of pipe, one longer and the other fairly short, were made onto the pump action part as if it were a shot gun.
Tubes were dispersed throughout and a long piece of wood, an old crutch I think, served as the stock. The bottle of piss was
mounted atop all of this so as to leave no doubt as to what the gun was for.
It was all a most elaborate hoax though. We had no knowledge of hydraulic piss engineering or pumps. But the thing was
the size of a large assault rifle and the mixer made a horrid din when you plugged it in, and it's hard not to be intimidated
by a whirring assault weapon covered in duct tape with a bottle of piss on top while a crazed lunatic (either me or blake)
pumps the lever on it. Needless to say the piss cannon served it's purpose until Charles cut the cord on it and it was subsequently
scrapped.
Meddeum
Meddeum was Blake's first D&D character and by all accounts his greatest. Meddeum, by some dark myracle, survived just
as long as his counterparts; my Telethar and Chris' Tak. We were always a pretty tight crew, usually just the three of us
and Rachael. We tried to include Charles and Christina once but that led to the unpleasantness mentioned previously.
I don't know when it was that Meddeum was created, but he went from level five to epic in a few years. He's never had a
really precise character sheet, since we have a very laissez faire style of D&D, but there are some things known about
him both by hear say and by legend which I shall relate.
Meddeum is tall and well built, and his strangest feature is that he wears a full suit of metallic purple plate armor.
It is possible that this is because he is somehow related to the Idiomian royal family, in which land he saw his first action.
His weapon is the greatsword, and for a time he even weilded the legendary idiot blade.
Various deeds are attributed to Meddeum, and he played a singular role in the restoration of King Telethar and the overthrow
of the evil wizard who had taken Idiom by spellforce. However some of his greatest deeds were of less effect but are here
recorded:
Meddeum, for the price of five copper, ate one of the dark God Vecna's toes. He never received the five copper.
Meddeum was once hungry and resorted to roasting a halfling cleric on a spit, and was rebuffed by Telethar later when he
asked for healing with the classic words: "But you ate the cleric!"
Meddeum was once smote to the ground by a high shadowfiend and impaled on a spear. While the rest of the company was too
embattled to help him and it seemed like they would all be destroyed, Meddeum used the spear to pole vault into the air and
hack the creature almost completely in two. Despite the best advice against it out of character he did it and roled no less
than three out of five natural twenties, which allowed him to just barely survive.
Meddeum has been kicked out of several castles, dozens of towns, and the council of wizards of an entire planet for varying
reasons.
Meddeum's motto, as readers of Glamis will know, is "CHAARGE!"
Containment Unit
When some people leave a bowl of salad in a desk drawer for a week after putting it there to clear a desk for a TT rpg,
they throw it out in disgust. When Blake did it, we didnt want to be around it for long so as to avoid catching the plague.
So we got a plastic container and put the bowl and rancid salad inside. Then we duct taped over all the cracks in it. But
we could still kinda smell it so I used duct tape to suspend this box floating in another box after putting in a plastic window
so that we could see inside to monitor the bio hazard.
This box we wrapped in plasti wrap and duct tape and wrote in it to make absolutely clear that it contained a very great
danger. Which is why it was kind of strange that after showing it off for a day or two we tired of it and threw it in Blake's
sister's pool. Man was she pissed.
Cat in the Drawer
Cat in the drawer is just that. Putting a cat in a drawer. They never seemed to mind and we always let them out after a
while. I cant explain why it was funny but it was. And once again Fatcat was of course not a party to this, though she may
have been telepathicly ordering us to do it. I can't explain it any further, this is simply one of those things that had to
be seen to be understood. It was such a careless and innocent thing that never a hint of cruelty entered in it.
Drunken Hyroglyphics
Blake and I knew how to party. I think partying is a thing increasingly lost on the youth of modern times. A party need
not include several hundred people to be decent, in fact I've found the ideal number to be around ten. It's preferable that
there be a few girls, but not too many, as then they might be able to rape one or more of the guys (as was attempted at a
famous party upon an anonymous mutual friend.)
Another issue is drugs. Really all you need is a light liquer, a dark liquer, maybe some wine coolers, some pot, and some
snacks. Anything else is optional. The goal is to get just drunk enough that everything becomes greatly hillarious and you
get a bit stupid without bloody passing out, because if you do you're likely to fall on some drinks or eats, and that's a
party foul.
And yes, we partied hard. There were fights terrible in nature. A strobe light once drove Blake and my friend Jake to beat
eachother madly no less than three times. In fact this was the same instance where the heiroglyphics appeared. It was a mixture
of some sort of happy pills, some liquer, some pot, and the strobe light that caused it, as well as the unleashed genius of
Blake.
Over the course of a wild and drunken night Blake swirled and drew and etched with the intensity of an artist who appeared
insane in his devotion to his task, a kind of holy madness that has come upon me once or twice while working. There was fury
in it, and none could stop him or discover what he was doing. By the end of the night two walls and parts of the ceiling were
covered in stick figures, a large mural of a Gundam, elaborate spirals, and other such things.
My scholarly attempts to identify the meaning in them, if any, met with slightly more success than my previous attempt
to make sense of things Blake had said when drunk, such as references to a Ms. Monica DuFronce, and how his eyelids felt like
blinking. I blame this chiefly on that I wrote them on an empty popcorn bag.
Sadly, the popcorn bag was soon to disappear, and Blake's father painted the building known today as the party shack, thus
obscuring the wisdom which Blake had set down... forever.
Feng Shui, Blake style
Upon hearing of Feng Shui from me Blake made it his duty to improve this concept and take it to insane heights. It was
at this time that Charles was attacking the Gundams fiercely, and Blake knew of a way that he could both increase his Chi
and piss off Charles. Charles, as I mentioned, was a large man, over six feet tall and thickly built. Blake reasoned that
by crowding enough furniture into his 10 by 16 room, he could make it impossible for Charles to enter.
I loaned him pieces of my furniture as I keep all my clothes on the floor anyhow. He dragooned furniture from downstairs
and the living room and even from his sister's room. We were rapacious in our quest for more stuff. Until eventually there
were thirty three seperate articles of furniture in Blakes room. At leat four of the shelves were stacked atop eachother,
creating a seperate wall halfway across the room which made up a sort of inner ward where the Gundams and playstation were
kept. After a while Blake got tired of trying to sleep and bumping into any number of things, and so there was an exodus of
furniture. I don't know if any pictures were ever taken or not.
