In fact, this site had a lot more to do with God than it did with his alleged love for soldiers. It's really just a form letter about joining the church with the name filled in as soldier. Think I'm exagerating?

"Jesus Christ is God's ONLY provision for soldier's sin. Through Him you, as an individual soldier, can know and experience God's love and plan for your life."

All the stuff on the site is exactly like that. Not once is there anything that makes the bible remotely applicable to military life. (Editors note: actually the site is walpapered in camouflage and has a picture of a guy in a helicopter, which somehow makes all the crap matter to soldiers, or helicopter mounted deer hunters, whoever sees it first)

I have seen a lot of army movies, and I've had friends in the army, but I don't need all of that to tell me that all this shit is useless. When you've bayonetted enough Iraqi infants that you want to find God you don't want to hear a bunch of shit they tell other people about the time Jesus said that he liked rye better than whole wheat, you want to find out if God is or is not going to kick your ass for that time you helped turn Falujah into a smoking crater.

The stuff they say would work just as well if the word soldier were replaced by any profession, such as lawyer, prostitute, or Chylde. Actually those all sound really cool, and a site called god loves prostitutes dot com would just kick ass. Personally though I'd love to see a God Loves Chylde dot com, so that Chyld could be won over by seeing his name/profession randomly inserted into standard propaganda like this:

"This diagram illustrates that God has bridged the gulf which separates Chylde from Him by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in Chylde's place to pay the penalty for our sins."

And speaking of diagrams these guys make some of the best, which I think illustrate a story when put together:

Here we see Sinful Man, the latest superhero, firing some black rays of doom at Holy God.

God is fighting back, and fires a beam of pure love at Sinful Man. Jesus hops along on the cross trying to get in the way but it's too late and Sinful Man is hit. What happens next... is tragic.

God's beam of infinite justice knocks Sinful Man's interests into disalignment, and he has to sit down to recover. Tragically Christ is outside the life. Also note that like most super heroes Sinful Man has delusions of grandeur: that throne is just a chair.

In this one Christ is tired and sits down on the throne thing, making the little biscuit deals levitate for a parlor trick. It should be noted that he's STILL stuck on the cross just so I can come chill at his father's house. They wont even let the poor dude have a cushion on his throne. And if they did it'd probably be made of thorns. Also please note that the caption "Self is yielding to Christ" is fucking hillarious, and maybe noone can understand why unless they're a soldier.

Anyhow, here's my letter to them:

Hey there, I'm a believer and stuff. I thought this site might be interesting since I'm big on patriotism and not liking towel heads, but I didnt find any on the page. Conversely I also found not one word in favor of peace and forgiveness. In fact had it not been for the camouflage and the constant insertion of the world soldier into your standard and boring sermons I wouldn't have known who you were trying to recruit.

Now, admittedly, anyone who joins the US army is probably pretty easy to dupe, I mean they did sign away three years of their freedom cuz some predator showed them a shiney gun and offered them money or candy or something, but the pamphlets they put out at least try to be focused.

If you want to get soldiers interested in God why not actually take the time to make your site about soldiers actually matter to the aforementioned? Anyhow, my friend Chylde is a terrible heathen and he likes to stand on his roof and blaspheme every morning until someone coaxes him down, I wish you'd make a site called God Loves Chylde dot com that is as inspiring as this one.

Love, J. M.

Like most of the Christians we email, they failed to respond. In fact heaven tour dot orgs webmaster has been the only one to say anything to us whatsoever. I'm guessing all the others just quietely pray for God to rape my ass every night, and sometimes in church.