Well, last night, I was feeling tired. And, as I am prone to do in such situations, turned on the Sc-Fi channel, shortly after the beginning of a movie. This movie didn't look to bad, so I figured, why not watch it? Well, what I saw shocked me... It was a horror movie, but not like any other horror movie. Yeah right, the first horror movie that I watched a lot of was remarkably similar to whatever the hell this show was. The first horror movie that I saw more than, say, 50% of was event horizon. This movie was either made by the same people, or by some idiots who got drunk and thought it would be cool to make a movie kind of like Event Horizon, but worse. Don't believe me? Check this out.

EH: Space ship disappears, and then reappears.

LV: Cruise ship disappears, and then reappears.

EH: Ship has visited a hell dimension.

LV: Ship has visited a hell dimension.

EH: Rescue team visits ship, and gets more then they bargained for.

LV: Salvage team visits ship, and gets more then they bargained for.

EH: Ship tries to kill everyone off, one by one.

LV: Ship tries to kill everyone off, one by one.

EH: Only a short time left until the hell dimension is revisited.

LV: Only a short time left until the hell dimension is revisited.

However, that's enough comparisons to other movies, let's examine the plotline, shall we?

A man whose father and mother disappeared on an ocean liner, that was called the Corona Queen, is called to investigate it's reappearance. He, along with an attractive female reporter, who he manages to avoid falling in love with for most of the movie (Bravo on that one) and her backstabbing assistant who was a hell of a lot hotter than her, but still managed to avoid being a love interest for anyone other than the camera man, who was either drunk or stoned. Also, a salvage team of two, who are running an illegal operation, but don't mention why it's illegal, some other guy, who may or may not have been bringing the salvage team up to three, and, inexplicably, the company president. I did start the movie fifteen minutes in, but I doubt it was any better for the fifteen minutes before I saw it. The reporter is determined to get the story of a lifetime, as is Machiavellina, the random assistant with a name that just screams "trustworthy". Well, once they get on the boat the president of the company, tells them "Don't eat anything, avoid the passenger areass, and don't wander off."

Drunk cameraman, immediately after being forbidden not to eat anything on board, figures "What the hell, he said don't eat, and that beer would be drink, so..." He proceeds to do so. Two of the salvage guys wander off, while the third just sort of stays there. The psychic gets lost, reprimanded for getting lost, and, just as the drama was really happening (believe me, that was as dramatic as it got) some random music turns on, and everyone goes into The Nursery. The Nursery has a rocking horse in it, and the horse gets filmed rocking. Turns out some invisible guy was on it. The reporter wanders off, and finds a medical room of some description, or maybe she just imagined it, and touches a button labeled "off" She then has a flashback of a young girl doing the same, and feels very sorry for the woman whose life she just turned "off" Then, she has a flashback as if she was the random little girl, and the woman sits up in bed after being turned off. This was supposed to be scary, but it wasn't. Then they analyze the video, and it turns out that a little kid, who looks to be at least thirty, is rocking on it. Hurray!

Then, they all go their seperate ways, and Feilz, one of the salvage guys, who had a cool accent, gets electrocuted. Did you know that rubber boots conduct electricity? He didn't. I didn't either until this movie. Think of all the lives that have been saved! Anyway, no-one seems upset, but a meeting is called. They get a phone call from Feilz, and yes, I'm sure he didn't say Felix, telling them to go to the bridge. They do, and they see a computer console beeping. There seems to be a disturbance coming at them very fast, and it will be there in 3-4 hours. Then the rescue helicopter calls, and tells them that he'll be there in, guess what, three to four hours. After this, the psychic, whose the one whose father and mother disappeared, hallucinates a hallway, at the end of which, a man who looks like he's with the mafia offers a red wrapped gift. This is not a particularly scary gift, but the man is afraid anyway. Presumably there's a bomb in it. Machivellina is now sitting at a random desk, looking at footage. The cameraman walks in, and it takes her all of 30 seconds to tell that he's drunk. She describes a plot to take over the other chick's show, and the plan is along the lines of.

1. Other chick gets fired

2. Take over show

You might reccognize this as J. M. has a similar plan going where step one is that George Bush gets impeached and step two is that J. M. is declared president. After she tells the cameraman about her brilliant Machiavellinaian scheme, "that other girl" as she was called, comes in and tells off Machiavellina. They try to keep her in the room, but she tazes the cameraman, and goes off to investigate the ship. Machiavellina suddenly hallucinates that she has her own show, and, just as it was about to start, the door behind her closes. All they find is the camera. It's almost as scary as the time a popsicle was left alone in a room with me by my friend. The door closed and all they found... was a pop sicle stick!!! They call another meeting and the company president brings them the captain's log, which has lots of pretty pictures in it. They find out that there is a malevolent force that wants them dead. Psychic and third salvage guy go off, and he thinks he sees Feilz go into an empty room.

The room's door closes, and chains start falling. The psychic stands there, and Third gets wopped on the head. After that, the chains start landing on Third's chest, and blood starts to come out of his mouth. The psychic finally hits the switch that should stop the chains. Then all the chains fall at once, and psychic slps on the blood. I swear, it was frakking hilarious. I had to go for a few minutes, but when I came back they saw something which was literally described as an Event Horizon, and Machiavellina, who apparently died, zaps the reporter with laser eyes. Then leaves. Then, after I spaced out for a bit, reporter and psychic both get rescued. then, psychic is in his house, and listens to recording that ends with the word Son. After this intensely dramatic moment, reporter comes along, and they go on a date. On the way out, the phone rings, and a quick pan traces it to the, as they put it "event horizon". Oh yes, it's a terrifying hell dimension, where no one can survive, but on the up side, we have great phone reception. That was the end. Seems quick? Seemed so to me too. Mercifully quick, actually.