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Objective Ministries

By Saint Mirithorn

Halloweenies

The site starts out talking about Halloween's occult dangers, because those unicorn and princess costumes will send you STRAIGHT TO HELL! And goes on to mention that Satan is out in force but he’s just one person, so to the best of my knowledge he can’t really be "out in force"

They encourage anyone stupid enough to believe the shit they spew to hand out nonsense about the bible on Halloween. Yeah, I can see that.

Kids: "TRICK OR TREAT!"

Reverend Arsehat: "Hi, kids! We don’t have candy, but would you care for a pamphlet?"

Kids: "Dude the mosque down the street is handing out candy crescent moons, let's go join the faithful of Allah! Thanks for shattering our belief in Jesus with your lack of candy, fuckface."

The site goes on to address "These unsaved trick-or-treaters - innocent children tricked by secular society and their non-Christian parents into participating in occult rituals" But I think they go quite willingly. They work on their costumes for weeks- do you think they did that by accident in their sleep? Did Satan put the love of candy in their mouths? If so I also blame him for this subtitle:

"Halloween: Orgy Of The Occult No More!"

Awwww but this year Anne Rice was supposed to join in and I was really interested in seeing what the author of "Beauties Punishment" could dream up for the yearly occult orgy... Well failing that, let's take a look at this fascinating passage from the article:


"We as Christians can learn from the dentists: instead of seeing Halloween as a time awash in tooth-decaying decadence, dentists have used it to promote proper dental hygiene by handing out toothbrushes, floss, and sugar-free candy to children. They have taken a frown and turned it upside down."

Yeah, they've taken the frowns of rage on childrens faces and turned them into smiles for whoever it is that gets paid to remove eggs from houses. But somehow I doubt that this ever happens. When a dentist stops jamming an ice pick into your molars and goes home, he stops being a dentist. A Christian lunatic however keeps being a Christian lunatic even after the rompin stompin revival has ended and cousin Jed has been healed of his demons. HALLELEUJA!

They claim that Halloween, and specificly, get this, bobbing for apples, are very evil and they flat out say it's dangerous to children. They need to put out an infomercial:

"Is your child spending a lot of time around the "wrong crowd"?Do you worry about her/his apple bobbing habits? Talk to your child about apple bobbing. Remember, apple bobbing can be a gateway to harder drugs, such as heroin, or satan."

They go on to point out their intent to "take the fright and set it aright" Aside from the horrible rhyming, it would only take one slip of the finger to change this from an order not to be afraid of Halloween into an order to immolate tricker treaters with fireballs of a different kind. And anyone crazy enough to fear some kids in batman masks is crazy enough to set those kids on fire. These people should be locked up in a church with padded walls. And from that church would issue statements like this:

"Just as the winter solstice - which was created by God, not demons - was reclaimed from the villanous grip of the Pagans in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, we as Christians must reclaim Halloween. We must proclaim that Halloween is now Christ's holiday. From now on it shall be used to witness to the wicked and ignorant. What was once used by Satan as a recruitment program, shall now be used against him. Satan's tricks shall be turned into the Lord's treats!"

These Christian assholes are just getting greedy. They've got Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving and now they want Haloween? That's one of the only two major holidays they don't have their bible stained fingers in. And I don't know exactly how they plan to reclaim a holiday from Satan when they're scared of a bunch of kids dressed as Harry Potter. Maybe it'll sound like this:

"C’mon, Satan, I only said you could just borrow it! You’ve had it for two thousand years now! It’s my turn! MOOOM! Make him give it back!" You'd think they'd be fighting over candy or something useful.

"Everyone loves candy, but it doesn't really provide nourishment - for the body or the soul. Instead of handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters, why not give them something a little meatier? Why not give them Bible tracts! Bible tracts can be gotten for modest donations from many Christian publishers. You can also download them off the Internet for free and print them out. Or, If you are really inspired, you can make your own, individually personalized for each child in your neighborhood! This is a good way to address the individual spiritual needs of your neighbor's kids."

Actually it dosnt sound like these fucks love candy at all, unless it has the name of their god on it.

They'd buy a piece of my feces if I wrote some nonsense about their saviour on it and said that it was blessed by John The Baptist, who, as we'll see later, was apparently a retarded cave man. I love the idea of individually personalized bible nonsense. Let's face it, handing out random nonsense might get your house egged, but wait til you see what happens when these bastards start giving out propaganda that damns Budhist kids to hell or tells little johnny that his two mommies are sinners. That's not an egg worthy offense anymore. That house is getting fucking firebombed.

They go on to say that "One of the best tools you can use is candy with Scripture or pro-Jesus messages printed on the wrappers."

If the above comic is any indication I think these guys could use some help, so here's some of my ideas:

"Burn the infidels! Now with 1/2 the fat."

"Twix: Two for me, an eternity of FIREY DAMNATION for you."

"Mentos: Because you can't get into heaven with bad breath."

"Hey Satan, suck my gumballs!"

They make the Pavlovian argument that if kids associate Jesus with candy they'll be more likely to join whatever cult these morons belong to. Give kids some fucking credit, guys, They know not to take candy from child molesters who only want ten minutes in their pants, do you REALLY think they're going to take candy from lunatics who want to spend a whole night brainwashing them and THEN probably spend ten minutes in their pants on top of that? They go on to list fellow perverts who will help you lure children into your home:

"• Scripture Candy - Makers of Fish Mints™, the mint shaped like the Jesus Fish, as well as a wide selection of candies with Scriptural wrappers. The company was founded to turn the pagan holiday of Halloween "into something to glorify GOD". "

Ugh I don't care how much you love Jesus, a fish flavored mint is going to make you hork up every bit of salvation you gained from eating it.

"• EvangeCandy - The only candy with color-coded Gospels on every wrapper! Also available in EvangeCane form. From the makers of the EvangeCube and the J-Cube clip-on tract dispenser with collectable J-Trax. "

I don't know what the fuck you guys are selling, but it sounds XTREME! I'll take two of the cubes, two of the trax, and three evangedildoes. Do you have rush delivery? I need them in time for the occult orgy.

• American Tract Society - Wide variety of Bible tracts, many with themes designed to attract the attention of secular children (featuring Reggie White, Toy Story, Pokemon, etc.). Some available for free if you have trusted Christ as your Savior • Redemption - An action-packed Biblical trading card game.

Hey I could join these guys! I have tons of tracts all over the veins on my arms from where I shot up with... Oh, different kind, right then. If a bunch of half assed celebrities couldn't convince kids not to do drugs (which takes absolutely no effort) why do you think they'll convince kids to read the bible (which takes a thesaurus, a bible, and a will strong enough to endure a "for god kicks ass and everyone else sucks" kind of line which is repeated twenty times a page.) Fuck, the drugs would be an easier sell and pot or alcohol dont give me half the headache that reading Leviticus did.

"• Redemption - An action-packed Biblical trading card game. Buy a pack and hand out individual cards, kids will trade them and learn all about the Bible!"

Remember how the kids who played Magic always got their asses kicked? Well no more! Now they can look cool while beating some sense into anyone backwards enough to think that a biblical trading card game is going to be action packed. What the fuck? "Super red sea attack!" "No I counter with Moses!"

"The unsaved youths today with their Power Rangers and Peekachoos and other secular heroes they see on TV are very enamored with "make believe" and "role playing"."

I was going to call these people a bunch of out of touch future-corpses, but now that they've mentioned my heroes the Power Rangers and the Peekachoos (plural, why?) I think they're totally hip. Even though the author looks like this.

"Holy shit! Why would the embalmers put such a weird expression on great grandfather's face before sticking him in the coffin? That's just creepy!"

"This is one of the reasons that Halloween keeps getting more popular every year since it allows them to dress up as their heros. Satan uses these seemingly innocent secular costumes (often cheaply purchased in local retail stores) as gate-way costumes for the more blatantly occult garb: witches, monsters, demons, Darth Mauls, and the like."

Once again reverend Anal Wart wowed me with his plural mention of a barely interesting villain who got killed off after like three lines of dialogue.


"I am John The Baptist... In a box!

They put up this picture with the lines "BOO! I'm John the Baptist and these are my many exciting exploits." I just wikied JTB, and his many exciting exploits are that he baptised people a lot, ate some grasshoppers, and then got beheaded, but not in that order. Nowhere did it mention that he looked like a prehistoric mime. The Muslims actually do have him doing some cool stuff, but I doubt if Cap'n Corpse has ever read any Muslim texts in his life, since they are surely of the devil.

They also suggest that you entrap your family into costumed plays. I'd hate to be the therapist that has to deal with those kids. Especially considering this warning:

"However, while dressing up as Biblical individuals is a good way to teach about the true history of the Bible, common sense and moderation should be heeded. For instance, it would be inappropriate to appear at your door as pre-Fall Adam or Eve or as a Sodomite."

"So what happened then?"

"We took off all our clothes... and then... and then daddy said it was time to pretend to be sodomites -sob-"

"It's ok, your daddy's never going to be able to make anyone act out scenes from the bible again, he's in prison now."

But Halloween isn't only a time not to pretend to be sodomites, it's a time for idiocy, as evinced here:

"Another option is to appropriate traditional costumes. For instance, a white sheet with eye-holes worn over one's head isn't an occult spirit, it's the Holy Ghost. Write "HG" on the front and when the kids ask what that means, explain to them the subtle mystery of the Trinity; it will "blow their minds"."

Why not just tattoo "Loser" on your flesh and get it over with. Or better yet, as wrinkly as some of these guys are, they could tie some wigs around their feet and put on a skin colored tube top and claim they're Saint Peter's cock. Anyone who uses that costume is guaranteed to "blow their minds" Just as this next paragraph is:

"Make a point to suggest to the kids that they tell their friends what great stuff you are handing out. Many kids today carry cellphones and pagers so they may contact their buddies right away!"

Wow, once again they show how hip and knowledgable they are. I think these guys have confused the word "buddies" with the word "cops" Read the sentence like that and it's a lot more realistic.

"Share your faith with carved vegetables." They command. Yeah, I can really see a Christian kneeling on a step, face to face with a chopped radish. "So you see, God is here to protect you..." But don't laugh, they'd have more luck converting heads of Romaine lettuce to their bullshit cult than kids.

You must get the Truth to them so that they may escape the clutches of their Satan-infested households.

My house got infested with satans once. They kept biting my ankles no matter how much I sprayed for them. Finally we had to let off a bomb and clear out for a whole day. Maybe I have Satan confused with fleas... Then again maybe they do as well.

http://objectiveministries.org/antioccult/candytract.jpg

You should write shit like this on candy and then hand it out.... IF YOU'RE INSANE!

In conclusion, DONT TAKE CANDY FROM CRAZY CHRISTIANS!