It is my privilege to inform you about my novel; "Glamis The Great". It's a satirical romp into the world of video games,
fantasy novels and adventure films. The reader enters this world through the character of Randylyl, an ordinary Joe who attempts
(largely unsuccessfully) to apply sound logic to the problems encountered by the adventurers. Randylyl is at first critical
of some of the more glaring flaws in the fantasy genre, but over the course of the eighty thousand word novel he comes to
accept the antics of his companions.
The work examines themes of fantasy such as the exclusion of minorities, the objectification of women and the immunity
from prosecution heroes always enjoy. Those who are not initiated into the genres satirized in the book will enjoy the light-hearted
mockery of some of the concepts that are even present in the works of the great masters, such as Tolkien or Heinlein. Those
who are avid fans of the aforementioned and others will be charmed by references that pop up throughout the book.
I have heard this novel compared to the writings of Terry Pratchet. However my work differs from his because politics do
not take center stage (though they're certainly present!) and because of the vast span of things that are poked and prodded
at in the pages of the book. Not only is it a very original concept, but I have a strong marketing plan to back it. I have
had this book reviewed by colleagues on three different continents and taken input from all. During this process I became
acquainted with people involved in magazines such as The Wave and popular web sites such as eight bit theater. I intend to
gain reviews and promotions from this network of contacts.
As for myself I am young, Charismatic, and I'm willing to wear a cloak and a wizards hat to promote this book if I have
to. Now that's professionalism! I've written three novels in different genres, one of which is currently on review with Baen
Books. I worked for two years as the editor of a small newspaper, "The Voice of the Voiceless". I make my living as an author
and artist, and I am willing to put as much on the line for this book as you are.
Regards, J. M. Hoffman
The novel opens with an unexpected meeting at the house of Glamis, the protagonist and narrator. He has just finished introducing
himself when a wizard interrupts. The wizard, Phil, introduces Glamis to a crew of varied miscreants who are supposed to save
the world. Among them are a dwarf named Crotch, a mace-man named Randylyl the Mad, the obligatory fallen monarch, and an elf.
Also introduced is the surly wanderer, who is simply named Surly Wanderer. Finally we meet the two party members who will
certainly die during the course of the book, and one of them quickly expires by way of a falling ceiling beam. The remaining
man marked for death is named Gilliam, and he will somehow manage to dodge constant threats to his life throughout the book.
The wizard explains that Lord Robear the Red of The Evil Fortress is up to no good and must be stopped. Randylyl suggests
that they go and ruckus the Dark Lord and return home in time for tea. His suggestion is met with skepticism at best. It is
decided that the party will instead journey to seek the advice of the elves at Skabatel, which they do after numerous adventures
on the road.
While the party travels we are introduced to Lord Robear, who is quite literally a red. He has vowed to take the wealth
away from the so-called oppressing class and distribute it to the people, who will be equal under his socialist Utopian state.
To help distract Glamis, " the servant of the bourgeois" he decides to kidnap the princess of Rosmundar.
The elves of Skabatel take the stereotype of the haughty elf to new heights. They do this by donning white sheets and demanding
that all inferior races be purged. Tragically they manage to capture Randylyl and the party must rescue him. After a very
dramatic duel with the leader of the elven supremacists Randylyl is saved but still very sick and the adventurers journey
on to Rosmundar.
However it is too late, and it is revealed that Robear has already had the princess brought to his evil fortress and is
gloating over her. Suddenly they realize that they share a common disability. Robear mentions that he has tourettes syndrome,
which forces him to cackle evilly at random times. The princess, feeling kinship with her captor, reveals that she too has
a disease that causes her to randomly spit in people's faces or knee them in the groin.
After they've established a rapport Robear goes to speak to his minions, reading a page from the communist manifesto and
getting blank stares in response. In exasperation he tells his servants to go ravage the ports of Tranden and make themselves
useful. Thus ends book one.
In book two the party reaches Rosmundar and has the obligatory audience with the king. He reveals that his daughter, Winnifred Magdalene Deis (or W. M. Deis for short) is missing. Naturally he assumes that it is the
mythril-rich kingdom of Roshunyon that has taken her, despite an adviser pointing to a ransom note signed by Robear. Randylyl
bangs his head against a wall as the king orders the invasion of Roshunyon.
Mysteriously the ship they're on sinks and Surly Wanderer and Phil seem to have drowned. Gilliam soon disappears beneath
the waves as well but later returns on a boat to rescue his friends, who have been eating the dead to stay well nourished
as they float in the shark infested waters.
They're brought to Logicas where Randylyl is cured and the rest of the party is imprisoned for murder, ravishing, and various
other crimes. When the trial begins it is Randylyl who comes to their defense. He makes an impassioned speech in defense of
adventuring and fantasy before the court. The party is never the less convicted of their crimes. However the judge takes into
account that their attacks were against the Rosmundian navy and elven supremacists, and thus agrees to pardon them if they
complete a quest for him.
The adventurers, now led by Randylyl, travel to Idiom and are introduced to the legendary swordsman Meddeum, who joins
them in their quest. The party is sent to defeat an ancient evil by King Telethar and upon doing so they're rewarded with
some bar nuts as proof of their deed. Their reward is promptly eaten and so they are unable to return to Logicas.
Instead they are notified of the Orcish horde marching on Tranden. Glamis and the others want to go to fight the orcs immediately,
but it is mentioned that no matter how how long they take the party will still arrive just in the nick of time. Randylyl decides
to test this theory and Meddeum agrees, since he doesn't much care of gnomes. The next several chapters focus on the adventurers
vacationing on a tropical island.
Meanwhile, Robear is torturing some poor prisoner in his dungeon to gain some highly important information. Robear's orcs
have now reached Tranden and are camped on its outskirts waiting for the heroes to arrive. We also find Surly Wanderer and
Phil burning down Glamis' village and plotting evil deeds.
The heroes attend a great council of the world's leaders, who send them to stop the invasion of Roshunyan. They fight some
Rosmundavian soldiers and infiltrate a rally being held by the king of Rosmundar, where he reveals the liberated W. M. Deis.
The heroes literally unmask W. M. Deis to reveal that it's the royal painter impersonating the princess. The king, taking
this setback in stride, claims the war never had anything to do with his daughter and chases the heroes out of Roshunyon.
The party has various adventures that don't effect the plot terribly much. First they slay a kindly old dragon, and then
they're captured by Amazon women. They manage to avoid making any clever innuendo for a rather long time before Meddeum finally
makes a quip about his "sword" and they're forced to run for their lives.
They soon reached Muthos, the great city of the wizards, where they find their former leader. Phil is tortured by the wizards
and forced to give up information on Surly Wanderer's plan. He reveals that The Wanderer plans to gain ultimate power, even
though his actions may bring about the apocalypse, which is known as Survereset.
After Phil's death the loyal members of the party are knighted and told to travel South, where they will do battle with
Surly Wanderer and Robear. They leave Muthos as the chosen saviors of the world and thus ends book two.
Book three opens with the adventurers journeying through the Southlands. After braving many perils they reach the great
tower of watch, which has been set ablaze as a beacon to warn the world of the orcish invasion of Tranden. The party splits
up with Randylyl and Glamis heading for the evil fortress while Meddeum leads the others to Tranden.
A dramatic triple climax ensues. Randylyl is locked in mortal combat with Surly Wanderer with the fate of the world in
the balance. Glamis duels Robear high atop the evil fortress, once again with the fate of the world in the balance and the
hand of princess Winnifred at stake. And finally the alliance of elves and men must fight the orcish hordes outside Tranden.
If any of these battles are lost by the defenders of goodness it is certain that the world will fall into darkness and chaos
and communism.
Predictably enough the heroes win and they all go their separate ways. Glamis takes Winnifred as his property and puts
her in his trophy case, much to her chagrin. However the party meets one last time at Glamis' house where they wax nostalgic
for a while. Glamis is yelled at by his wife, who is rather cross with him for kidnapping her and murdering her true love.
Randylyl suggests that they go off on another adventure and by the time the words leave his mouth the party is already starting
out the door.
"Hunters Paradox" is a seventy five thousand word supernatural thriller that examines themes of longing, alienation,
the search for identity , and loneliness, all in an epic and fast paced narrative. This saga takes the reader deep into the
supernatural underworld of London.
Christopher Allectus is the subject of the work in question and its two completed sequels, The Lord of London and
The Council of Massilia. The first novel of the trilogy begins with a bang as Chris does battle with a vampire who
has attacked him in an alleyway. Realizing his error in assailing a well known vampire hunter, the vampire begs to be allowed
to live. Stalling for time, or perhaps simply interested, he asks why Christopher does what he does.
The answer to this question is the opening of a flood gate as Chris reveals his beginings. He speaks of his father dying
before his birth, and his mother serving an island of vampires. The tale continues to unfold as he tells how he escaped the
island. Nearly perishing alone on the English channel greatly effects the protagonist and he decides that henceforth he will
be the bane of all the vampires of the world.
Christopher finally arrives in London, where he makes his first kill and begins to create something of a home. But he is
still haunted by the questions of his father's death, and of his mothers subservience to the blood drinkers. His search for
answers, and friendship, eventually leads him to pose as a vampire and he manages to meet the Lord of London, Samuel Pendragon.
Samuel proves to be a trusting and goodly ruler and introduces Christopher to two of his companions, Malora and Simon.
Christopher recieves an injury in a battle with an assassin from his former home. When he wakes up he finds that he's being
tended to by Malora, who proves to be a psychic and has known his secret all along. Samuel and Simon however are not so forgiving,
and Simon proves to be especially hot-headed. But before a fight can break out they are forced to put aside their differences
and flee from mutual enemies, who are under the command of the very same being that has enslaved Chris' mother.
The make-shift alliance is quickly drawn into direct conflict with Chris' arch enemy, the age-old vampiress Livia. When
Samuel is lost in the battle it seems to ring out a death knell and Christopher flees the memories of London in hope of finding
the truth about his father. However his search proves a great deal more dangerous than he anticipated.
As the novel winds down the reader is kept in constant suspense. Chris becomes the victim of intrigue in Paris, is captured
in Washington, and very nearly loses his morals and his mind. When things seem perfectly hopeless it's Malora who returns
to protect her friend once more, and make him an offer that he will be hard pressed to refuse in the coming novels.
***
J. M. Hoffman is the author of Hunter's Paradox and its two sequels, "The Lord of London" and "The
Council of Massilia" He worked for two years as the editor of an independent newspaper. He has also seen his satirical
essays published on noted humour site www.lanceandeskimo.com
